Tuesday, November 20, 2007

"Everyone's got a box."

I have an obsession with boxes. So does the antagonist of Following (awesome movie), which is where the title of this blog comes from. In the movie, 2 guys, brought together by their strange obsessive personalities, begin breaking into people's houses and philosophizing about what kind of people live in said houses based on their belongings. From what I can recall, finding and looking into someone's box (whether it be plastic, metal, cardboard, or wood) is a huge violation, because everyone has that private place where they keep their secret dreams, desires, and mistakes.

For most of my life, I have put very important things in boxes. I have reduced entire relationships/friendships to a box. With every breakup I experienced, I eventually went through everything I had that was given to me by or belonged to the offending ex - and naturally, what was left was banished to a box (or several). Eventually all the boxes have kind of comingled, because (let's face it) I don't need to have separate boxes for the losses of my life. I don't need to keep up a shrine to the significant people that have entered and left my life.

Yet anytime I've had a significant romantic relationship begin, I have done the same thing. I create a box in honor of the person. I even have one for Roy, though by all means our life together is not confined to a box. Lately I've been wondering why I have this desire to put things away in a very tidy fashion. Is it because I desire order in my life? Or is it more deep than that? Why do I start trapping everything in a box even from the start? Am I such a cynic that I don't believe anything lasts?

I have abandonment issues for sure. I always have and probably always will. Nothing terrifies me more than being left behind forever by someone I love. I think I could deal with my own mortality easier than I could deal with Roy's or my mom's (or anyone else I love). So I think that I create these boxes in anticipation of loss, as a means to gather memories in one place so I know where they are if I need them.

I am struck at how sad it is that I do that - not after the fact, but ahead of time. I am always, even unconsciously, preparing to lose what's most important to me.

1 comment:

amber said...

well, i'm trying not to cry while i type this....

i think that when you're truly happy with someone it's only natural to be leary that one day it's going to end. i sadly, have those same feelings although i don't put things into boxes. but it is still a very disconcerting feeling. {{hugs}}