Wingspans and Reflections: Day Eight of Our Christmas Vacation

Our last day in Texas was really nice. We got up early for breakfast and headed over to the Guenther House. The Guenther House belongs to the family of the founder of Pioneer Flour Mills and is right down the street from my uncle's house. The food was really wonderful (no pics, sorry), and so was the decor.

I found it immensely entertaining that the majority of the fireplace detail was ears of corn.





I loved the gigantic house made of sweets on display on the second floor.









Some fun facts about the candy house:



Ninety pounds of candy?!

We went to the gift shop on the third floor, and I saw these. They reminded me of someone:



I tried on a chef's hat and discovered that it was a good look for me.



After we'd had our fill of the Guenther House, we came back to Uncle Charles's, where Roy and I began the final stages of packing for our trip home. We had a couple of hours to kill afterwards, so we took a walk.

Roy is my absolute favorite person to walk with; for some reason we always have the absolute best conversations while we're on a walk. That day was no exception. We walked and talked and admired several cranes in flight.




The ducks were endlessly entertaining but not very social.



We drove down to another part of the river and walked around. It was all very quiet and peaceful, a very nice thing to experience at the end of such a hectic trip.





And soon it was off to the airport, where we boarded our flight to Phoenix. For some reason, Roy and I were assigned seats at opposite ends of the plane, but I was able to use my charms to convince the guy who was originally sitting next to me to switch seats with Roy.

I had been feeling good all day (pain/pressure-wise and cold-wise), but the cold symptoms got pretty bad on our flights due to the change in altitude. Once we were back in California, I was feeling pretty crummy. Roy's uncle and grandfather picked us up from the airport and took us home. We were both really happy to be back.

Reflection time:

Our trip was very much a mixed bag. I had really high hopes for it, and it just didn't turn out the way I expected it to. I always tend to forget that family complicates things in unexpected ways. But it was really nice to be able to spend some time with my people, because our time together is always so limited.

I came back from our trip with the notion that in many ways, it seems easier to have a relationship with my family from a distance. There's less dealing with my mom's anxiety; there's less facing of the reality that my dad is not a well man. It's not that I want to live my life in a state of denial, but the distance often helps me to deal with the aspects of my family that are less-than-thrilling, not to mention those parts that are painful.

My time in California, away from my family, has (obviously) yielded a life that is completely separate and totally different from the one I had in Texas. In my late teens and early 20s, before I moved away, I had the distinct feeling that I was not living life on my own terms. I also often felt that there was no real place for me, nowhere that I actually fit in.

I've come to realize that there's probably no perfect place that will fit a person exactly as they need to be fitted every moment. But there are people who fit you. They're like a favorite pair of old jeans, a comfy sweater, or those days where you can watch the rain fall outside. They're flawed, but ultimately they get you in a way that can never be explained or completely understood. They know you.



People are what make a place home. I've got a home in Texas, and I've got a home in California. I've got two families, neither of which is perfect, and frankly, I love them despite (and because of) their imperfections.



But it's love that makes things so damn hard. It's love that makes my heart ache for my mom when she's away (even though I know she will drive me crazy the next time we see each other). It's love that makes me think of my dad and wonder if he'll remember my name the next time we see each other (even though I know he will probably say something thoughtless that will hurt my feelings). I cannot divorce myself of this love any more than I can separate myself from the place I grew up. I cannot stop the pain that comes from loving other people so much, and I cannot escape the problematic past I left behind in Texas when I moved away years ago.

To think that I could come to some sort of peaceful resolution by having every aspect of our Christmas trip fall into place was naive of me. Not because I didn't plan for the unexpected, but because peace is often elusive - it's rare to find oneself standing at the top of the Mountain of Clarity. Life is muddled and complicated, but ultimately this has been one hell of a crazy ride that I want to experience for many years to come, dysfunctional families and overwhelming love and all.

A River Runs Through It: Day Seven of Our Christmas Vacation

To continue the Christmas recaps...

I woke up feeling awesome on December 29. Despite developing a cold the day before, I felt pretty good. I was pleased to note that the pain/pressure in my uterus area had subsided a great deal. We went to El Mirador for lunch with my mom and Uncle Charles. I had enchiladas, of course. I didn't take any pictures, but here are a couple pics of the bathroom doors that I took when I ate there back in June:




Who takes pictures of bathroom doors, anyway? Apparently I do.

We went back to my uncle's house to rest. Roy and my mom took naps, my uncle went back to work, and I hopped on the laptop and spent a good amount of time organizing my photos. Would you believe that I've probably taken 5,000 photos in the last year but haven't bothered to organize them? (Actually, I am normally an organizing fool, but this has been one hell of a busy year.) It was cool going through old photos, because I got to find some like this:



I love it! It was taken in November 2007, and I had completely forgotten about it. I love how happy we look.

Once everyone was up and rested, we went out for a bit. My uncle is a big collector of art objects from different countries, so we went to a shop that he frequents. Again, no recent pics, but the shop sold stuff similar to this:



Then we decided to brave the Rivercenter, a mall that is built on the Riverwalk. The only reason I wanted to go was to get a present for Mandy and Paul. It was a dumb decision. The traffic to get there was awful because of some event going on at the Alamodome. Some of the streets were closed down, and we ended up having to get on the freeway due to lack of options.

It's a freeway, right? No big deal, right? But if you remember, nothing is simple with my mom at the wheel. You might as well tell her the world is ending. You'd get a similar reaction.

It was so frustrating trying to get my mom to understand that being on the freeway and going the wrong way for a short while wasn't really such a terrible thing. I told her many times (calmly, to my credit) to get off the freeway and to turn around, and she finally did - but not after much nail-biting, fretting, and swerving (yes, swerving!).

We pulled into the Rivercenter parking garage and parked. Hooray. Success.

The mall was a mess of people. I hate crowds, truly. After picking the perfect gift for Mandy and Paul, the three of us sat outside for a brief moment until it got too cold. The Riverwalk is especially gorgeous at Christmastime.





We inched home (through tons and tons of traffic). It was nuts. My mom was a bit on the stressed side, but she handled herself much better (probably because we weren't on the freeway). Once back at my uncle's house, we hung out. And I took photos - really distorted and sometimes overexposed photos.





Yes, those are my crazy eyes (in the first picture).

And that was our day. Not terribly exciting, but after all the "excitement" that came before, it was a nice day - very wonderful to be feeling like myself again. I'll take my mom's anxiety over a hospital visit any day.

Final recap coming soon!

Keeping It Low Key: Days Five and Six of Our Christmas Vacation

To continue on with the story of my hospital visit...

I was awakened around 6 AM by a vampiric nurse who took some more blood. I vaguely remember this, because she turned on the very bright light above my bed (which was not a pleasant way to wake up). The OB showed up around 7 AM (and did the same trick with the lights). I don't remember much of what was said, as I had already drifted back into my Ambien-induced sleep. It's a good thing Roy was there.

The bottom line is that everything appeared to be normal and they were going to release me. I slept for awhile longer before being discharged. The nurse wheeled me downstairs and left us outside to wait for my mom to pick us up. It turned out to be quite a wait, so Roy wheeled me around the parking lot and different hospital buildings. Once my mom had picked us up, we decided to go to IHOP for breakfast. I was starving.

We ordered, after our waitress made note of how sad I looked. I guess I was sad, but I was more out of it than anything. I didn't get nearly enough sleep, and if/when you take Ambien, you should get at least eight hours of sleep, or else you feel drugged. I also was still having the pain/pressure, and I know I looked horrible from not brushing my hair or putting on any makeup.

For some reason, once we started eating, I started crying. We left quickly after that and drove out to my mom's house. Roy and I crashed for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling much better, though the pressure/pain was still there. I had a little bit of time to gather some things that I wanted to bring back home with me. Once we'd gathered everything together, I puttered around taking pictures of my mom's cats.

This is Zero, the one who was/is sick.





This is Bilbo and Oreo, who were Riley's litter mates.





And this is Right Tail/Little Kitty.



My mom has one other cat named Annabelle, but I couldn't get a good photo of her.

So we packed up and headed out. We were scheduled to meet my dad for an early dinner. On the way, my mom got pulled over for speeding, but she escaped with just a warning. We made it to the restaurant a few minutes late, and my dad was already there waiting.

It'd been two years since I'd last seen him. He looked good, and I could tell that he recognized me, but when he asked, "Who are you?," it stung a little. Still, we had a good dinner. He was very happy to hear that we're having a little boy. We ended up giving him a ride home and then we left town.

It was, overall, a very disappointing trip to my hometown. I really wanted more from it, but I guess it just wasn't in the cards. In talking with my friend Chris, who was always dying to escape Victoria as a teenager, I began to understand that my feelings about Victoria weren't so strange. It's essentially a place where many people grow up and then never leave. As a result, it's a town full of people who haven't experienced much of what the rest of the world has to offer. Now, I am far from being well-traveled, but I have always wanted more from life than what Victoria has to offer. It strikes me as strange that many people never leave. And I find it rather depressing.

(Oddly, I know plenty of people who have grown up in this area of California and have never lived outside of it, but they seem different than the natives of Victoria. Maybe it's just my perspective on both places.)

Our time in Victoria was so short because we wanted to get back to spend some time with my brother before he went back to Minneapolis the next day. So naturally we were all disappointed when we got back to San Antonio and discovered that my brother had gone out. We waited up as long as we could and then went to bed. It kind of sucked, but them's the breaks, right?

The next day we all hung out and then went out for lunch. I took photos.








I had woken up feeling like I was coming down with something, so Roy and I took it easy for most of the day. I had a crying episode (because I was still having the pain/pressure), which led to a mini-fight between me and my mom, which in turn made me feel even more crappy. I was so upset that I decided not to go along to take my brother to the airport. He seemed to understand when he saw I was crying. Roy and I watched a ton of episodes of Lost, which was totally awesome as usual.

All in all, days four, five, and six really kind of sucked. But things did improve after that.

(Note: Ugh, sorry these recaps are so tedious. I bore myself.)

I Went to My Hometown, and All I Got Was This Stupid Hospital Bracelet: Day Four of Our Christmas Vacation

This is where things began to go downhill.

The day after Christmas, we woke up early and prepared to leave for my oh-so-boring and oh-so-problematic hometown of Victoria, Texas. My brother had decided to stay in San Antonio while we were gone, because he needed to finish a paper. So Roy, my mom, and I piled into the car for what I thought would be an illuminating visit to the place I grew up. It was to be a short trip. My mom had a sick kitty (yes, another one) she needed to check on, and as for me, my plans for my time in Victoria were big and vast. It would be a lot to cram into a short amount of time, but I had faith that we could do it.

The thing I most wanted to do was document Victoria through photographs and later use them to write a photo essay. It sounds silly, but this was something I felt I absolutely needed to do. I have a very troubled and complicated relationship with my hometown, and I had finally begun to feel that I needed to make some sense of it.

I also wanted to see some of my extended family. I haven't seen most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins in years, and I was looking forward to seeing them and introducing them to Roy.

And lastly, I wanted the opportunity to go through the attic of my mom's house, bring down the things I wanted to keep, and store them in my room. I also wanted to go through my grandmother's quilting and bring home some of her unfinished projects.

As it turned out, none of these things happened.

But wait, that was the day that I turned 18 weeks pregnant and celebrated Bunlet's sweet potato size.



Okay, moving on. The drive to Victoria was nice and without much incident. I was on the lookout for this really beautiful, old building that I always felt drawn to when I would pass through. It had been there for years. I had photographed it before, but never with a decent camera or any amount of skill. Much to my dismay, it was gone. That sucked. To me, it is a crime to replace something historical with something "progressive" and new.

We arrived at my mom's house, and I heard from my old friend Chris. Chris and I were good buddies our last couple of years in high school, and we went our separate ways when he left for the Air Force after high school. We reconnected through myspace several years ago, and he decided to drive down to Victoria from Austin to hang out with me and see his parents.

We headed to Chili's to meet up with Chris. We spent about an hour there catching up. It was awesome seeing him again, being as it had been over ten years, and I loved that he and Roy got along well. We decided to go to a nearby book and music store to kill some time. On the way, I called my doctor to inquire about some pelvic discomfort I'd been experiencing all day. I'd been feeling a good amount of pressure in my uterus area and wasn't sure if it was normal. I spoke with the nurse, who was unable to reassure me that what I was feeling was perfectly natural, and she said that if the pressure got worse or if I started bleeding to go to the ER.

You see where this is going, right?

Yeah, I ended up in the ER. This was after the three of us drove out to my mom's house and took it easy on the couch while watching the fourth season of Lost. I thought for sure that taking it easy would help with the pressure, but it just got worse. After making a few calls to different clinics in the area, we decided to head to the ER.

You'd think that a pregnant woman would be seen right away, but apparently you have to be pregnant and bleeding in order to make something happen, at least at this hospital. We sat in the waiting room for about two hours. I was brought back three different times, once for a blood draw, once to hear the heartbeat (which the nurse couldn't hear clearly), and once for an ultrasound (which was ordered after the nurse couldn't hear Bunlet's heartbeat to her satisfaction). I wish I could say that the ultrasound was a wonderful experience, but it really wasn't. It was, of course, wonderful to see that Bunlet was okay, but all the ultrasound did was raise more questions.

(You see, back when we had our big ultrasound (on December 22), the tech discovered something odd. She asked me if I'd ever been diagnosed with a bicornuate or didelphys uterus. She mentioned it almost in passing, so I didn't think much of it. But at the end of the big ultrasound, she called someone else in to take a look, and together they puzzled over what this big dark pocket next to my uterus could be. It was determined that it was probably nothing to worry about and could likely be a fibroid, but that they would make sure to mention it to my doctor.)

I honestly didn't think that this "thing" in my uterus, whatever it was, had anything to do with the pressure I was feeling down there. But the tech at the hospital paid a lot of attention to it while she was doing the ultrasound, and I couldn't help but notice that she labeled it as a "mass" (which gave me a sinking feeling).

After being in the waiting room, we were brought back into the emergency area and given a room. The nurse was nice enough. The doctor, who was not an OB, was pretty clueless. He came in twice and couldn't determine what was wrong, but he wanted to admit me to the hospital for overnight evaluation. I was not happy about this as no one could even tell me what was going on. My best guess is that the OB on call was busy delivering babies and wanted to keep me there until he had a chance to review my ultrasound pictures. Whatever. After waiting in that ER room for another couple of hours, the doctor (the one who was not an OB) gave me a pelvic exam, which is what I'd asked for hours before (I was afraid that the pressure I was feeling was pre-term labor, and I wanted to make sure everything was sealed up tight).

The pelvic exam revealed nothing, but the doctor still wanted me to stay overnight. We finally had the opportunity to ask lots of questions, and once we got some answers, I felt that the doctor had made a good case for keeping me overnight - the word "appendicitis" was thrown out, which was concerning. He also felt the need to point out that my uterus "is just not normal," which I found extremely irritating, but which also added to his case for keeping me overnight. The kicker? He said, "Your baby is almost to the point of viability; we want to make sure you get there."

Ugh, what an asshole. There's nothing like being threatened with the possibility of losing your baby (as if I hadn't considered that before). I felt that he was really out of line in making that comment, especially because no one knew what was wrong.

At this point, we'd been in the ER for five hours, which was a ridiculous amount of time. However, they got me moved and admitted very quickly. I was given a nice room in L&D, and Roy stayed with me for the night. The nurses were great, and they gave me some Ambien to knock my grouchy, uncomfortable ass out. It worked. I slipped effortlessly into sleep.

Day five recap coming soon!

2008: In Review, Part 1

Okay, so 2008 is over, but Kari tagged me for a couple of "year in review" memes that I'm going to attempt. I have nothing else to do right now, as this is my fifth freaking day of being sick and I don't appear to be getting better at all. Roy is sick, too, which makes for one miserable household. Let's hope we're feeling better soon.

1) Was 2008 a good year for you?
It was a mixed bag.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Finding out I was pregnant, seeing Bunlet's heartbeat for the first time, seeing Bunlet move (on the ultrasound screen), and all these special moments that Roy and I have had as a result.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Infertility testing. And saying goodbye to Sasha, my canine companion since I was 13 years old.

4) Where were you when 2008 began?
At Mandy and Paul's house.

5) Who were you with?
Roy, Mandy, Paul, and Cerby (cutest doggie ever).

6) Where will you be when 2008 ends?
Roy and I were in the computer room, counting down together.

7) Who will you be with?
Roy and the kitties (and Bunlet)

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008?
I don't think I made one.

9) Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2009?
I have three goals: to give birth to a healthy baby, to make some progress on my MA (which may or may not include graduating), and to take some steps to building a career for myself.

10) Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yep, I truly do tend to fall in love with Roy over and over again. And I guess in a way I'm in love with Bunlet, but it's not the same kind of love.

11) If so with who?
See above.

12) If yes, do they know?
Yeah, I'm good at telling people how I feel.

13) What was the stupidest thing you did this year?
I can't think of anything offhand that screams "stupid!" I tend to beat up on myself a little too much when bad/negative things happen, but I eventually get over it. Overall I'm proud of the way I conduct myself, even if it sometimes pisses people off. If I had to pick something, though, it would probably be not putting enough work into my thesis proposal right before it was due and/or getting involved in some really stupid drama on the knot.

14) What was your favorite month of 2008?
September.

15) How many concerts did you see in 2008?
Two.

16) Did you have a favorite concert in 2008?
I loved both of them - Roma di Luna and the Pierces.

17) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
Not really. I've never been a big drinker.

18) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
Does caffeine count? Then yes, but I did cut back quite a bit.

19) How many people did you sleep with in 2008?
One (duh).

20) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?
I have no idea. I'm sure people lied to me this year, but nothing is really coming to mind.

21) Did you treat somebody badly in 2008?
Not intentionally. I tend to go overboard with being opinionated. It's not always warmly received.

22) Did somebody treat you badly in 2008?
Yep. My place of employment comes to mind.

23) How much money did you spend in 2008?
I don't even want to think about it.

24) What was your proudest moment of 2008?
It sounds silly, but my proudest moments have nothing to do with me and everything to do with Bunlet. I was also really proud of Roy for getting a new job and graduating. And I am proud of making progress in my photographic efforts and for continuing to write on a regular basis.

25) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something what?
I would change my attitude to TTC. I put too much stress on the situation.

26) What are your plans for 2009?
I just want to give birth to Bunlet, continue to nurture my marriage, and work towards living a more authentic life.

Notes on 2008

This will be my last post of 2008, giving me an even 290 posts for the year.

And what a year it has been. Like so many others, the close of a year leads me down a path of introspective contemplation. I find myself in a very different place, both literally and figuratively, (and in a very different state) than I was at the start of 2008. I've said repeatedly on this blog that this was a very tough year, and actually, that's not entirely the truth.

It was more of a year of really high ups and really low downs. I think that this is what made it so hard sometimes, because with the change of the wind, my whole life tended to shift entirely. Also, several people I am close to had a really hard time this year. I'd like to see more calmness and clarity and happiness in 2009 - for all of us.

Truly, I am grateful for the life lessons I've been privileged to receive this year. I don't think I would really appreciate the many wonderful things in my life if it weren't for the hard knocks.

Here are the major events of the year.

I discovered a new passion (photography) and learned a lot about it through practice, reading, and paying attention to my own vision. (Of course, there is still so much to learn!)
I took on the (pleasurable) task of being Mandy's HOH, gave her a kick ass bridal shower, and offered a kick ass toast at her wedding.
I went to the doctor entirely too much, for things ranging from mole removal to fertility testing to prenatal appointments.
Roy completed his internship, took his comps (and passed), got a new job in his field, and graduated.
I got a little closer to graduating with my Master's degree, although not as close as I planned.
I started and completed my internship, which included a very intimidating teaching day.
Two of my good friends, Myra and Beans, moved away.
I said goodbye to my dear canine friend, Sasha.
My uncle got sick (and is now on the mend).
We went to some really cool places, including Vegas, Minneapolis, Texas, and the Morey Mansion.
I learned to accept that my current job has nothing to do with my inherent worth as a human being.
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
We watched someone close to us get pregnant and then suffer a devastating miscarriage.
We spent most of the year trying for a baby, dealing with the possibility of infertility, and then getting pregnant in September.
I finished up with four years of therapy.
We moved into a new house.
I got Lasik and cut off my hair.
I participated in a very important Presidential election.
I wrote a lot, mostly on this blog, but I did produce some decent poetry as well.
I turned 29, officially entering into the last year of my roaring 20s.
I started the daunting task of cleansing and purging in all areas of my life.
I changed my name.
I met some new people, further solidified some friendships, and burned a few toxic bridges.
I became a mother, which I already mentioned before, but hell, it deserves another mention.
I fell more in love with my rockstar of a husband, who has taught me so much, stood beside me through so much, and loved me so much. Roy, you are amazing, and I don't know what I did to get so lucky. No matter what happens, it's always me and you. With you, I can say "forever" and mean it.

I'm too lazy to link to all the blog posts that talk about these events. If I did that, I'd be writing this damn entry all night, instead of doing really important things like blowing my nose and watching One Tree Hill.

Happy New Year! Goodbye, 2008, you fickle bitch.

Quaint Christmas: Days Two and Three of Our Christmas Vacation

Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were laid back days. Considering that my uncle's weakness from his illness earlier in the year, my brother's kidney stones, and my pregnancy, we weren't in the best shape to go out and party. Instead we stayed in for most of both days.

On Christmas Eve, we decorated the tree...



...ate candy...

...gave Buster lots of love...

...took Buster for a walk and took lots of blurry-on-purpose pictures...

...looked at the Christmas lights...

...and opened gifts!

It was a small, quiet Christmas Eve with few gifts, but it was still good.

On Christmas morning, we crowded around the laptop and showed my mom and uncle a couple of our favorite videos.

I introduced my mom to i can has cheezburger. These were her favorites:

We hung out and took it easy...