I can't get started. So ask me anything.

A hodgepodge of thoughts:



1) I saw the above e-card at someecards and got a good chuckle out of it. I think sometimes, when faced with something so absurd, there's nothing to do but laugh. It's not absurd that Heath Ledger might be awarded a posthumous Oscar (have the Oscars already happened?) - it's that the card is oddly true. A dead guy is more successful than me.

I guess that all depends on how you define success. I'm alive, he's dead - I've actually got one leg up on him just because I'm breathing and responding to stimuli. So technically I might be more successful.

2) Several people have told me lately that I am in touch with my emotions in a way that most people aren't. When I was a kid, I often hid my emotions, so much so that it backfired on me in a big way as a young adult. I didn't make the conscious choice to get in touch with my emotions; my thinking just seemed to shift (probably out of necessity), and out came Leslie, emotional whirlwind.

I still have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to feel. I've lost count of the times when I've said to Roy, "I don't know why I feel so bad/happy/angry/whatever about this." He always patiently explains to me that feelings just are. And then it all makes more sense. How sad is it that I still think that I need someone else's permission to feel the way I do?

Maybe it's not sad at all; maybe I am just still learning how to understand the need to have feelings. It is, after all, something I denied myself for quite a few years.

3) Things I want:

to dye my hair brown
to know what people say when they talk to themselves
a nap
a personal assistant
clarity
for that chick in Accounting to stop emailing me

4) I feel that lately I am just kind of floating around, or rather speeding around, and I really need something to become clear to me. I am completely aimless and yet I am hastening toward a rapidly-approaching future. I am always asking questions of the world and its inhabitants, but rarely do I feel that the world asks me anything. So here goes. Ask me something. Ask me anything. I promise I'll answer your questions later, should you decide to ask.

5) Thank you.

In Search of a Better Me

A List of Thoughts



1) I find myself tonight in a whirlwind of self-evaluation. What makes me tick; what motivates me? How could I be better? Does anyone else gaze at themselves so critically?

2) I just want to be a better person. I'm just so far from being the person I want to be, but oddly, sometimes I am completely satisfied with who I am and the way I handle things. Is this inner conflict a human quality, or is it just my quality?

3) Sometimes I just don't understand other people, and that makes me want to pigeonhole them and perhaps make them into something they aren't. People in turn do this to me. It's never fair. No wonder we all just can't get along.

4) I decided recently that I was going to try to work on some of my bad habits, and well, the process hasn't been easy. Let's just say that quitting smoking was far easier than breaking these mental and emotional addictions. But I don't want to do things that make me feel negative. I want to be a positive force in the world.

5) The best thing to do when you're feeling a little down and out is to call someone you love. So tonight I did just that. I spoke with my mother-in-law, and then I talked to Myra. For some reason it was them I wanted to talk to; I obeyed the instinct of wanting to hear their voices and am glad I did. And then Roy and I talked a lot over dinner, and as usual, he worked wonders for my tired ol' soul. Now I'm here, talking to cyberland, which is both a void and an overflow.

6) I guess I do have a lot to say and have been feeling slightly lonely lately, even though I don't lack for loved ones or good conversation. It's nice to talk, even if all that comes out is Leslie-babble.

7) This is how I feel tonight. Tomorrow it could be totally different. That's the beauty of this wild unpredictability, this crazy life.

2008: In Review, Part 1

Okay, so 2008 is over, but Kari tagged me for a couple of "year in review" memes that I'm going to attempt. I have nothing else to do right now, as this is my fifth freaking day of being sick and I don't appear to be getting better at all. Roy is sick, too, which makes for one miserable household. Let's hope we're feeling better soon.

1) Was 2008 a good year for you?
It was a mixed bag.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Finding out I was pregnant, seeing Bunlet's heartbeat for the first time, seeing Bunlet move (on the ultrasound screen), and all these special moments that Roy and I have had as a result.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Infertility testing. And saying goodbye to Sasha, my canine companion since I was 13 years old.

4) Where were you when 2008 began?
At Mandy and Paul's house.

5) Who were you with?
Roy, Mandy, Paul, and Cerby (cutest doggie ever).

6) Where will you be when 2008 ends?
Roy and I were in the computer room, counting down together.

7) Who will you be with?
Roy and the kitties (and Bunlet)

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008?
I don't think I made one.

9) Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2009?
I have three goals: to give birth to a healthy baby, to make some progress on my MA (which may or may not include graduating), and to take some steps to building a career for myself.

10) Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yep, I truly do tend to fall in love with Roy over and over again. And I guess in a way I'm in love with Bunlet, but it's not the same kind of love.

11) If so with who?
See above.

12) If yes, do they know?
Yeah, I'm good at telling people how I feel.

13) What was the stupidest thing you did this year?
I can't think of anything offhand that screams "stupid!" I tend to beat up on myself a little too much when bad/negative things happen, but I eventually get over it. Overall I'm proud of the way I conduct myself, even if it sometimes pisses people off. If I had to pick something, though, it would probably be not putting enough work into my thesis proposal right before it was due and/or getting involved in some really stupid drama on the knot.

14) What was your favorite month of 2008?
September.

15) How many concerts did you see in 2008?
Two.

16) Did you have a favorite concert in 2008?
I loved both of them - Roma di Luna and the Pierces.

17) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
Not really. I've never been a big drinker.

18) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
Does caffeine count? Then yes, but I did cut back quite a bit.

19) How many people did you sleep with in 2008?
One (duh).

20) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?
I have no idea. I'm sure people lied to me this year, but nothing is really coming to mind.

21) Did you treat somebody badly in 2008?
Not intentionally. I tend to go overboard with being opinionated. It's not always warmly received.

22) Did somebody treat you badly in 2008?
Yep. My place of employment comes to mind.

23) How much money did you spend in 2008?
I don't even want to think about it.

24) What was your proudest moment of 2008?
It sounds silly, but my proudest moments have nothing to do with me and everything to do with Bunlet. I was also really proud of Roy for getting a new job and graduating. And I am proud of making progress in my photographic efforts and for continuing to write on a regular basis.

25) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something what?
I would change my attitude to TTC. I put too much stress on the situation.

26) What are your plans for 2009?
I just want to give birth to Bunlet, continue to nurture my marriage, and work towards living a more authentic life.

Notes on 2008

This will be my last post of 2008, giving me an even 290 posts for the year.

And what a year it has been. Like so many others, the close of a year leads me down a path of introspective contemplation. I find myself in a very different place, both literally and figuratively, (and in a very different state) than I was at the start of 2008. I've said repeatedly on this blog that this was a very tough year, and actually, that's not entirely the truth.

It was more of a year of really high ups and really low downs. I think that this is what made it so hard sometimes, because with the change of the wind, my whole life tended to shift entirely. Also, several people I am close to had a really hard time this year. I'd like to see more calmness and clarity and happiness in 2009 - for all of us.

Truly, I am grateful for the life lessons I've been privileged to receive this year. I don't think I would really appreciate the many wonderful things in my life if it weren't for the hard knocks.

Here are the major events of the year.

I discovered a new passion (photography) and learned a lot about it through practice, reading, and paying attention to my own vision. (Of course, there is still so much to learn!)
I took on the (pleasurable) task of being Mandy's HOH, gave her a kick ass bridal shower, and offered a kick ass toast at her wedding.
I went to the doctor entirely too much, for things ranging from mole removal to fertility testing to prenatal appointments.
Roy completed his internship, took his comps (and passed), got a new job in his field, and graduated.
I got a little closer to graduating with my Master's degree, although not as close as I planned.
I started and completed my internship, which included a very intimidating teaching day.
Two of my good friends, Myra and Beans, moved away.
I said goodbye to my dear canine friend, Sasha.
My uncle got sick (and is now on the mend).
We went to some really cool places, including Vegas, Minneapolis, Texas, and the Morey Mansion.
I learned to accept that my current job has nothing to do with my inherent worth as a human being.
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
We watched someone close to us get pregnant and then suffer a devastating miscarriage.
We spent most of the year trying for a baby, dealing with the possibility of infertility, and then getting pregnant in September.
I finished up with four years of therapy.
We moved into a new house.
I got Lasik and cut off my hair.
I participated in a very important Presidential election.
I wrote a lot, mostly on this blog, but I did produce some decent poetry as well.
I turned 29, officially entering into the last year of my roaring 20s.
I started the daunting task of cleansing and purging in all areas of my life.
I changed my name.
I met some new people, further solidified some friendships, and burned a few toxic bridges.
I became a mother, which I already mentioned before, but hell, it deserves another mention.
I fell more in love with my rockstar of a husband, who has taught me so much, stood beside me through so much, and loved me so much. Roy, you are amazing, and I don't know what I did to get so lucky. No matter what happens, it's always me and you. With you, I can say "forever" and mean it.

I'm too lazy to link to all the blog posts that talk about these events. If I did that, I'd be writing this damn entry all night, instead of doing really important things like blowing my nose and watching One Tree Hill.

Happy New Year! Goodbye, 2008, you fickle bitch.

Home again, home again

Happy New Year's Eve! We flew in last night after our Texas Christmas vacation. I have more recaps to come and will get to those sometime within the next few days, I imagine.

A few things of note:

1) I have a cold. I actually have had it since Sunday. It sucks to be pregnant and have a cold at the same time, since I'm very limited on what I can take. It also sucks to fly while you're pregnant and have a cold. I was feeling decent until our flights yesterday.

2) It is so wonderful to be home. I cannot express how much I was looking forward to being in our house in our bed with our kitties driving us mad. Life returns to normal on Friday when I go back to work, and I'm grateful for the extra time off so that I can recover from this cold.

3) I'm really behind on my blog reading and commenting. But I'll catch up, I promise.

4) My desktop computer is screwed up again. It worked fine last night, but this morning it hasn't been working. It'll turn on and everything, but the computer isn't actually doing anything but running the fans. Thank the gods for my Macbook; I really need to think about getting a better desktop.

5) It's the last day to enter my guessing game giveaway! So if you haven't already, place your bets before midnight tonight!

Where is Leslie?

It's been awhile since I last blogged. And apparently, judging from the emails I've gotten, I'm actually missed when I'm not blogging! Thanks to those of you who sent emails or asked me where the hell I've been/what the hell I've been doing.

I've actually been doing the same thing I've always been doing. Work, school two nights a week, photo shoots on the weekends, etc. I think I sounded a little negative awhile back, but rest assured that I am not an unhappy camper - I'm just being a slug most of the time.

Anyway. Here are two things of note about today.

1) Today is my brother's birthday. Happy birthday, Wade! I'm pretty sure that he's 33 today. I sent him two cool things in the mail, so hopefully he'll get those soon.

Here's a picture of the birthday boy:



2) Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I personally have never experienced this, but several people near and dear to my heart have.



The idea is for everyone to light a candle at 7 PM tonight, creating light for lost babies around the world. Sounds like a wonderful idea to me. I'll be in class tonight, but I will light my candle when I get home.

That's all I have for today. It's mid-October, life is good, and I'm tired.

A Few Words About (In)Fertility Diagnostic Testing

I wrote this list (below) yesterday after spending quite a few days in the throes of an anxiety so intense that there were times I felt that I was going to fall into small pieces of Leslie. We were waiting on the results of an important fertility test. Finally, yesterday afternoon I got the call from the restricted number that never fails to make my heart start pounding. It was the nurse practitioner at the fertility clinic letting us know that we had passed another test with flying colors. Roy and I were so ecstatic that we had a nice dinner out to celebrate. And then I added in #10 below.

There are more tests to come and more sleepless nights to live through, but for now, I am so grateful for the good results. Each test we go through is more and more nerve-racking, but if there's anyone that I want to be on this roller coaster ride with, it's Roy.

And now, my notes.

***

1) The waiting (for the tests to be performed, and for the results as well) is excruciating.

2) You spend a lot of time each day preparing for the news that could change your life forever.

3) You also spend a lot of time anticipating pregnancy announcements from people you know and trying to figure out ways to gracefully handle them.

4) You seem to be surrounded by babies, children, and mothers-to-be. If they aren't surrounding you in real life, they run rampant in the virtual world.

5) A story about kids in foster care can reduce you to tears in a matter of seconds.

6) You often wonder how you ended up here. You are healthy, educated, employed, and in possession of all the traits that would make one a good parent.

7) You have started to consider that conceiving a baby could cost thousands upon thousands of dollars.

8) You no longer wonder if you will get pregnant this month. Instead you wonder if you will get pregnant this year.

9) You begin to "come out" to more and more people about your issues, and you find that people are much more supportive than you expected them to be.

10) When you get the news that your husband's sperm analysis is normal, you feel like you won the lottery.

11) You begin to realize that the advice that people gave you before you got married, to marry the person you want to go through hell with, is actually very good advice. And then you realize that waiting for a diagnosis is more like purgatory than hell. And then you begin to wonder how bad it's going to get before it will get better.

12) For all your sorrows and frustrations, you know that someday it will all be worth it. Because if there's anything worth waiting for, it's your child.

Still

I joined the Photo Trade this month. Basically, it's just as it sounds - trading photos with a partner each month. The photos are all based on a theme. The theme for September is "Still."

Here are the two photos I'm going to send out. I hope my partner likes them!




You can see other people's photos here.

In other news:

1) Roy and I worked out again tonight. I cussed at the TV quite a bit.

2) My computer is still being kind of a douchebag.

3) Last night I actually wrote a couple of poems that didn't suck sweaty balls.

4) I am reading a really good book.

5) I actually haven't been hating my job these days.

The end, for tonight.

weekending

I feel compelled to list my weekend plans.



1) Do a photo shoot with Melinda and her husband for their one year anniversary.

2) Fix my computer, or at least find out what the problem is.

3) Finish changing my name at the bank; order new checks with my new name on them.

4) Work on our place! (Last night we completely rearranged the living room, and it looks a lot more open and inviting. But we still have to find homes for a lot of stuff.)

5) Fix my 50mm lens. (The other night I dropped my camera - on carpet - and the lens cap is now jammed onto the filter. At least the lens isn't damaged. This is why you should always buy filters for your lenses. Class dismissed.)

6) Do the regular weekend stuff - a bit of grocery shopping, laundry, catching up on some TV on DVD, etc.

7) Whatever else I feel like, dammit.

***

The above photo was taken by my latest flickr crush, andrewlee1967. andrewlee1967, I am in awe of your talent and love the way you can make a sink full of dishes look so beautiful. Keep on doin' what you do. Thanks.

Hi.

I'm breaking my five-day silence with a pretty random post. Without pictures, unfortunately.

-My computer and external hard drive have both been giving me a lot of trouble since last week. Frankly, at the moment I feel like throwing both of them out of the window and starting fresh. I want to get a Mac, but I can't really justify it right now because my computer is still under warranty. And yes, I took my computer in to be fixed last week, and it came out even worse.

-I did a photo session this past weekend, and I haven't been able to share it due to my computer issues. It's not like my computer is not working at all, but last night I opened Lightroom to do some editing - only to find that everything I've worked on since June is gone. It's a good thing that I am good about saving things on the hard drive. It's a bad thing that I can't trust my computer enough to keep everything on the hard drive. It's also a bad thing that I can't even do a backup of my files because the external hard drive makes my computer crash.

-I am also going crazy because I feel like we have too much stuff. None of it seems to have a place.

-At work today I was hit with the desire to rearrange our bedroom. So that's what we've been working on tonight. I'm sure it will take awhile to complete it. Of course, this is leading me to rethink all the rooms in our house to see how we can better utilize our space. But so far the notable changes in our bedroom are: 1) We removed all the books, the TV and DVD player, and our bed frame and headboard. Now our bed sits directly on the floor underneath the only window in the room. 2) We moved the fishtank into the bedroom onto the stand where the TV was. I think this is a better place for it as it's a much steadier foundation for the tank. I'm pretty excited about these changes, because our bedroom feels much more open now. We have a lot more wall space, which I am going to use to display a whole lot of art that we have floating around on our walls. I'm also stoked about removing the TV, because I've heard that it's better to keep things like that out of the bedroom.

-I am not a big fan of the wood panelling in our house and am dying to paint over it. But alas, we are renters, not owners.

-I spent the majority of this summer being pretty darn lazy. All of a sudden, I feel this desire to get things done. It hit me yesterday, and so I have been keeping pretty busy catching up on things. Productivity is a good feeling. I think it's come about because it's September, and my body is very in tune with the changes that September brings.

-Speaking of changes and September, I figured out a way to finish my MA this year without hardly ever having to go on campus. I'm going to take my foreign language online, and the only thing I will have to do other than that is work on my thesis. Fortunately, I don't need to be on campus to do that. After many, many years of adjusting my life for my school schedule, I finally won't have to. This is amazing to me. I feel like a different person.

-I signed up to participate in several cool projects, all designed to nurture my creative soul. I am very excited. Feel free to sign up too, if you want.

-I feel that there are big things on the horizon. I'm not sure what they are. For all I know, it could just be that feeling I get when the seasons change, but it feels that things are stirring, things are happening.

-Tonight I am content with my life.

Things I Learned This Week

1) Work can be good if I'm busy. Which I was. All week. A very nice change of pace.

2) Life is better when Myra is around. But she needs to be off doing her own thing, and I respect and understand that.

3) I have great friends. The best, really.

4) It does not feel good to have your vagina propped open for an extended period of time while a radiologist injects dye into your uterus to make sure your fallopian tubes are open. But it is totally worth the uncomfortableness when you see the dye spill out around your ovaries, thereby letting you know that your tubes are indeed open for business.

5) It's hard to live without a computer. But if you have a husband who recognizes that you have a strong Internet dependency and lets you use his computer, that helps lessen the pain of separation.

6) Sometimes the only thing you can do is make it through a moment. Some days are a-moment-at-a-time days.

7) It's important to keep your eyes open and notice the world around you. I found this little thing on the sidewalk outside my office building and loved photographing it. It's been hanging out on my office windowsill ever since I rescued it.



Happy weekends to all!

Macro and Meme

I'm officially dubbing this week "Macro Week." I am crazy about macros right now. I have been using my 50mm lens as a makeshift macro lens ever since the Mamarazzi workshop, and I just love the slightly blurry, abstract effect it has on photos. Even the most boring, everyday things look so cool close-up.

So, here we go!

Macro:



Yummy strawberry from the local farmer's market. I love how ghostly the leaves of the strawberry look.

Meme:

I saw this on Lydia's blog awhile back and decided to play along.


Five Things Found in My Bag

1) Camera. In my backpack, I carry my point and shoot. Currently in my purse, I'm carrying my Canon Rebel. It's an addiction, I tell you.

2) Moleskine. I am a notetaker and a listmaker. (Notetaker! Listmaker! Notetaker, don't you mess around with me!) I write down ideas, things I want to try, things that are recommended to me by others, etc.

3) Flash drive. I am forever saving things on my work computer, so I use this to move them to my home computer.

4) Eleventy billion Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons. Seriously, how much paper do they use printing these things?

5) A small copy of the Tao Te Ching. If there is one belief system that makes the most sense to me, this is it.


Five Favorite Things in My Room

Ahhh, I miss the old days of having my own room. For the purposes of this, I'm going to assume the bedroom is my room.

1) My husband, right when he wakes up in the morning. He is arguably the cutest in the morning when his hair is sticking straight up and he's radiating enough heat to warm the entire apartment.

2) Process scrapbook. I started this back when I did my internship and have kept it up since. It's basically a glorified journal/notebook.

3) Towers of books. I have all the books that I want to read stacked in various places in the bedroom. Supposedly this is not good for purposes of feng shui, but I don't care. Give me reading material or give me death!

4) My kitties! Enough said.

5) Heating pad. I'm addicted to it. I've really made a solid effort at not using it so much in recent months and so far have succeeded at it. But still, I love it.


Five Things I've Always Wanted to Do

1) Publish a book. I've published in several magazines, but I want the book (or several).

2) Travel. I have not done nearly enough of this in my life, unfortunately.

3) Buy a big, old house with hard wood floors and lots of natural light with a huge backyard. I grew up in a big house with four acres of land to run around on, and let me tell you, it's not a bad life.

4) Live in a place that feels like home. I want to live somewhere that suits me. While I'm from south Texas and now hang my hat in southern California, I know that my real home has yet to be found. I feel strongly about Portland, Oregon.

5) Make peace with my past. And by this I mean get full-on closure for things I am not likely to get it for. Yeah, it's totally unrealistic.


Five Things I Am Currently Into

1) Reading. That will never change.

2) Writing. Another thing that will never change.

3) Photography. I don't think this one will change, either.

4) Blogs. I subscribe to so many damn blogs, but I can't help it. They make me so happy.

5) TV on DVD. Hey, another thing that will never change.


In non-meme related news, I got my new driver's license in the mail today. I look like an Oompa Loompa.



Or maybe I look like a tangerine with blonde hair. It's hard to say.

A Very Literary Meme

This meme has been making the blogosphere rounds, so I thought I'd do it too. I'm such a follower.

Anyway, here are the rules:

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE.


1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Looks like I've read almost half of these - not bad.

Thanks to Amy, who told me how to change the color of the font in this post.

Things That Make Me Go "Wow"

This is a collection of cool things I've come across lately.

1)



2) I found this on Kari's blog. Hilarious.



3) The Head Project!



(Image by the ever-so-lovely and talented Elle Moss.)

4) Things I've seen around town that have made me smile:





5) Angelina and I embraced our inner dancing queens when we saw Mamma Mia! today. What a great movie! I haven't been able to stop dancing yet. I'm even dancing as I write this. Just in case you've been living under a rock, here's the trailer:



6) Jenn showcased her radness when she sent me an edible arrangement as a thank you for taking her engagement pictures. Yummy, pretty, and incredibly thoughtful! Thanks so much, Jenn!





I have (what feels like) a bazillion posts in progress, so I'm going to try to catch up on those this weekend.

things that make me happy

I'm in real need of counting my blessings. Without going into a ton of detail, things have been quite hard for quite awhile now. I had a really nice weekend, though, and here are the things that are making me happy right now.

1) a baby shower for a very special Spaniard - My friend and co-worker is pregnant with her first child (due in September). We had a shower for her on Friday during lunch, and it was a really good time for all of us. My favorite part was when she teared up when she saw that we had all pitched in and gotten her the stroller she wanted.



















2) my hot pink toenails



3) revisiting the coffee shop where Roy and I used to meet when we first began dating



4) finding new places to eat that are pretty





4) visiting a new, unexplored museum









5) noticing things that normally go unnoticed





6) cookies



7) a new pretty thing to hang on our wall



8) seeing The Pierces live at Hotel Cafe - This video is not from the performance we saw, but they did open with this song. They are really wonderful performers with a strong stage presence and extremely powerful voices.



9) taking engagement pictures for Jenn and Dave - Watch for the "official" teaser coming tomorrow!

Meme Time!

I haven't had a lot to say lately, hence my lack of blogging. Actually, I'm lying. I have had a lot to say, but nothing I feel like sharing with the rest of the world. So I figured I would let my blog remain silent for awhile.

Then I remembered that I was tagged for a meme awhile back by Lydia (thanks, Lydia!), so I thought I'd give this a whirl.

1. What was I doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago, I was 19. I was still living at home with my mom and attending community college. My brother moved out that summer and went to Austin to finish his BA. His company gave me his old job (at a music store), and I only lasted for about three weeks before the crazy manager accused me of stealing money (which I did not do). I ended up walking out after that bomb was dropped on me, and I went back to my old job, flipping burgers and collecting grease. My mom had an emergency hysterectomy that summer as well, very shortly after my brother moved away, and that was a truly scary experience. I was less than a year into a very deep depression that ended up lasting about four years total. It was a very strange and stressful time.

2. What are five things on my list to do today?
Working. Or in my case, pretending to work.

Meeting Val. We are trading our photo-editing software to save money.

Watching Sex and the City. I am obsessed with re-watching the series at the moment.

Cooking. We didn't eat dinner last night because neither one of us felt like cooking.

Importing music onto my iPod. I have a ton of CDs that never made their way into my iTunes library. I've been making a solid attempt at remedying that lately.

3. Snacks I enjoy?
I love anything bad for me. Seriously. But lately, I've been eating a lot of fruit instead.

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire?
What a question. Well, I definitely wouldn't be working at my crappy job anymore. I'm sure I would have to be doing some kind of work to keep me busy though, because I'm just one of those industrious types. I'd definitely take Roy and travel the world, taking lots of photos, writing lots of poems, eating lots of good food, and reading lots of books. I'd buy a house on the California central coast (in Big Sur or Carmel), and I'd set up our family members with houses and no debt. I'd have my own photography business, my own bookstore, and my own personal library, not to mention two or three kiddos, our kitties, and a dog or two. Oh, and I would be writing a lot.

5. Three of my bad habits?
Obsessing/worrying/overthinking/overanalyzing. This is the worst habit I have. If you know me at all in real life or have read this blog for awhile, then you know this about me. I have tried to change my ways, and I've gotten better for sure. But I don't think I'll ever stop being this way. It's part of my charm.

Emotional eating. Since I don't smoke anymore, I tend to turn to comfort food when I'm upset or stressed. I'm working on that, though.

Second-guessing myself. This ties into my first bad habit, but I think it deserves a mention. I hate this about myself. I am consumed with self-doubt and entirely too much self-awareness. It gets annoying, and sometimes it is entirely too loud inside my head.

6. Five places I have lived?
Victoria, Texas
Kerrville, Texas
Angelus Oaks, California
Redlands, California
Yucaipa, California
Riverside, California

7. Five jobs I've had?
Cook/cashier (and eventually shift supervisor) at a little fast food hole-in-the-wall. You can read all about it here. I spent about three and a half years of my life there.

Team leader (or something like that) at a music store (mentioned above). This job should've been cool, but it really wasn't - hence the reason I was only there for three weeks.

Food server at a cute little restaurant. This was my very first serving job, and I loved it. The people were great, the food was great, and the money was great. The only thing that wasn't great was one of my bosses. She and her husband owned the restaurant. She was a nice enough person but a really shitty boss. In wanting to keep the peace at home, her husband would not address any issues the staff had with her. So I got fed up and left after working there for a year and a half.

Inventory person at a gas compressor company. This ties with my current job as the most boring job ever. Its only saving grace was that I got to travel around different Texas shithole towns. I didn't do a whole lot of work. My co-workers were all men, and they thought I was a dainty little thing who didn't want to get hot or dirty. Guess what? They were right. I played into the traditional female stereotype a lot of the time, and that worked just fine for me. I stayed inside, read magazines, and wrote poetry. All in all, I spent about two months at this job, and I quit without any notice at all.

Food server/bartender/trainer at Chili's. Sadly (very sadly), Chili's was the best job I've ever had. Sure, my income was unstable (and sometimes downright sucked), the people could be assholes, and I smelled like fajitas and left grease stains on the carpet of my apartment, but almost every day was fun. Most of the people I worked with were on the same page as me (college students), and we were able to really bond and have a great time together. The best part? We didn't take ourselves too seriously. We laughed when we spilled drinks or food. We talked shit about the crappy customers we got (and even pulled a few innocent pranks on them). We yelled at each other and then made up at the end of the shift. We worked our butts off and walked out with a pocketful of cash at the end of the day. The general manager at the first Chili's I worked at told us once that we shouldn't get too frustrated with our jobs, because after all, "it's just burgers and beer." And he was right. After two years in beige office hell, I still long for the simple days of burgers and beer.

8. How did you name your blog?
People have told me for years how random I am. And to me, life is an adventure in randomness. There you have it.

Okay, I'm done! I'm not tagging anyone, because I tend not to do that. Play along if you want, though - leave me a comment and let me know if you do!

July, already?!

This month means our first wedding anniversary, a trip to Minneapolis to see my brother and celebrate said anniversary, taking some engagement pictures for my friend Jenn, a Lasik consultation, and hopefully lots of time with my cute husband, my camera, my notebook, and some good books.

June was very...challenging. But really, it wasn't all bad. I had some wonderful experiences, and I made a list of them.

1) went to murder mystery dinner theatre for my birthday
2) went to San Antonio to spend time with my mom and uncle
3) got my new camera
4) finished up the hardest school year of my life to date
5) lost four pounds on my five-day cleanse diet (yeah, I didn't last the full two weeks)
6) had two yard sales
7) started exercising again
8) figured out my name change dilemma (and filed with the courts today)
9) helped someone who really needed it
10) listened to the new Coldplay album (over and over and over)
11) read nine books
12) began to catch up on editing my backlog of pictures
13) had an anniversary shoot with our wedding photographer (there should be a teaser coming within the next couple of weeks)
14) made a very important decision about my future (more on that later)

Welcome, July!

Tuesday Discoveries

-I saw this awesome license plate on my lunch break.



-I finally figured out what to do about my name change issue. I found out today that the state will definitely not amend our marriage license to reflect Roy's name change, which means that in order to change my name, I will have to go through the courts. This will cost us around $400, but to be perfectly honest, I am happy to pay it if that's what it takes. You'd think I'd be upset about this, but no, I'm just relieved to finally have a definitive answer and to know what to do. I guess it's a good thing that I put off requesting the amendment, being as it wouldn't have done us any good anyway.

I would also like to say something that I will probably never say again, so take note: I am actually grateful that I work in a legal office, because if it wasn't for some of my co-workers doing some digging on this issue, I never would have known for sure what to do. Also, based on this experience, I would also like to say that County employees are generally useless. I don't blame them entirely; it's the bureaucracy that causes all the miscommunication and ignorance.

And lastly, those of you who are getting married and wanting to both change your names, please have your future husband change his name before you pick up your marriage license. Honestly, it would have saved us so much time, money, and sanity had we done it this way. That was our original plan, but someone *coughRoycough* decided to wait until a month before our wedding to file for his name change (and to be fair to my long-suffering husband, the County employee he spoke to did say that everything would be fine if his name change went through after our wedding). Try to give it at least a couple of months for the whole process to be completed, because it takes awhile.

-I often check out the organized collection photo pool, and today this photo in particular made me happy.



-I have finally figured out how to control the temperature in my office. Last week, I was freezing, so I covered up my A/C vent (which is right over my chair) with a piece of cardboard. Yesterday afternoon, though, the heat coming in through my window was sweltering. So today I cut a small rectangle in the cardboard, and now I have controlled A/C. Yay. It's the little things, right?

General Monday Randomness

-I normally can't stand summer, but this year in particular I am very grateful for it. The evenings are long and peaceful instead of rushed like they were during the school year.

-Day 1 of the cleanse is done and went well. The hardest time was lunchtime and the afternoon. I got tempted quite a few times, but I managed to avoid most of it. I did have a bit of peanut butter with my celery when I got home, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. At least I didn't eat the pan dulce in the break room at work.

-This is my new favorite song. It is amazing. I listen to it over and over. The whole album is worth checking out.

-I started reading this book. I'm not one for self-help, but this one called to me last week.

-I meditated tonight. Actually, I have no idea if I did it right. It felt a lot like I took a short nap. Is there a wrong way to meditate?

-I got my grade in my fairy tales class: A-. The perfectionist in me is not happy with this grade, especially because of what happened before. This is my third A- in grad school. I got two last year, but I earned them rightfully. I really should have gotten an A in this class. I busted my ass. Apparently I didn't deliver. I emailed her and inquired. We'll see what she says.

-At least I got an A in my internship.

-Roy and I went for a walk tonight. I haven't really been inspired to take any photos recently, because I've been in kind of a funk. But I decided to bring my camera along on our walk, and here are a few things we came across.







Yes, that's a headstone for a person with Shrimp as his last name. Talk about random.

Purging/Cleansing/Becoming

Today finds me tipping the scales at 150 pounds.

Most people are very surprised when/if they find out how much I weigh. I have always carried my weight well. It's pretty evenly distributed. Plus, I have a lot of muscle left over from my many years of dance lessons and waiting tables.

But the fact of the matter is - I am 5'3". I have a small frame. I am what most would refer to as a petite person. I have always had narrow hips, small boobs, and a pretty flat stomach.

I still have the narrow hips and small boobs. But my stomach is a whole other story. It's become this whole other entity. I see myself in pictures and I cringe. I look pregnant a lot of the time. And that would be okay - if I was actually pregnant.

I have become so frustrated with my body, with my overindulgence, with my fatness. I don't really think that I am fat, per se, but I think that, like most Americans, I am a huge consumer. I buy things I don't need, eat things that are bad for me, and waste my precious time doing mind-numbing, habitual, meaningless things.

Today finds me tipping the scales at 150 pounds - and searching desperately for change.

I need to change. I am not a terrible person, but I have some really self-destructive habits. I want to be better. I want to be healthy, centered, kind, and positive. I want to be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee, etc. I want to be a good person, the kind of person that people are proud to know.

So I have decided to change some things about my life. Perhaps I will change in the process. Or maybe I don't need to change at all. Maybe it's all about attitude.

The changes have actually already begun. But first, a flashback.

Last quarter, I was consumed with school work, stress, and general feelings of negativity and resentment. At the same time, I was also thriving and learning new things and feeling extremely happy about all of it. It was an odd place to be, full of tension.

I let a lot of things slide. Going to school four nights a week while working full-time forces one into pure survival mode. Our house was dirty, the dishes often left unwashed. Our laundry rarely got put away. Both of us stopped cooking and instead began eating out all the time. I began drinking soda every day, a habit that I worked very hard to beat back in the fall. There were many nights that I didn't sleep well, as insomnia has always been an issue for me. There were many days that I was just generally cranky and negative.

Now school is out, and I have my life back. And it's time to take control of the mess (not just the physical mess, but the emotional/mental messes as well) and clean it all up. It's time to purge.

Here are some of the ways I've begun to purge and cleanse:

1) After almost two years of being a member of the boards on the knot and the nest, I deleted my account. Both of those websites have operated as a safe haven for me to have fun, make friends, and blow off steam. Sometimes blowing off steam takes the shape of pure, unadulterated drama. I have found myself in the midst of a few dramatic episodes. They are usually fun at the time, but after the fact, I begin to feel bad. I am just not a person who can be nasty and not feel badly about it afterwards. At the same time, I often feel justified in being direct about how I feel concerning a person or situation, which can sometimes translate to nastiness.

I got involved in a particularly dirty exchange of words about a month or so ago. To me, it was harmless fun. It didn't mean anything to me. And then it began to get very personal. It didn't hurt my feelings, because I could see straight through my attackers. (The very things they were attacking about me would have been embraced by them if they actually liked me.) But it was a little unnerving to me to be involved in something with people who obviously take themselves very seriously.

I thought the situation over for a couple of days and then came to the conclusion that I should delete my account and stop visiting the boards. I'm not a chicken shit, but even though I hate drama, I am sometimes likely to get involved in it. Deleting my account removes the temptation of getting involved at all. Let's face it, I have too much of a guilt complex to be mean and then not feel badly about it - no matter how much that person may have deserved it.

Also, there's the fact that I have spent the last year or so going back to the boards because it's just a habit. I don't even really have a positive association with most of the regular boards I used to visit. Many of the members annoy the crap out of me, and there are too many cliques. So, why keep going back?

So I deleted my account, and I deleted all my links to all the different boards I used to visit. And frankly, I don't miss any of it. I miss some of the people, but it's easy enough for my friends to get in touch with me.

The act of deleting is very cleansing. I feel good about this decision (but I hope all you knotties and nesties who read my blog will keep reading, because I actually like you guys).

2) Roy and I have spent this week going through all of our stuff in preparation for the yard sale we're having this weekend. Wow, we have a lot of crap. I would love to have the courage to go totally minimalist, but right now, I don't. I was able to part with about 10-15 pairs of shoes and a whole lot of clothes and books, though. My goal is to hopefully not buy any more books for awhile and go to the library instead. Also, this summer I plan on making more space in our apartment, which may mean getting rid of more stuff. At the end of the quarter, I literally could not focus at home. The mess and clutter really got to me.

3) For the past month or so, I've had a standing date to go to the Farmer's Market with Mandy and Paul. Every Saturday morning, we walk there and buy our produce. The produce is delicious and cheap, and buying it there really helps the local economy. Going to the Farmer's Market is a small step towards becoming a more environmentally conscious person and family. I would like to either carpool to work or find a job closer to home so that I could walk or ride my bike. I would like to use cloth diapers for our future children, make our own baby food, and have flower and vegetable gardens. I really just want to give back to the world that has given so much to me. As issues associated with our overconsumption increase, I really feel that this is an issue that we can no longer ignore. (To give myself some credit, I have been a religious recycler for years. I have also talked about global warming to anyone who will listen. Most people don't, sadly.)

4) This week, I stopped consuming fast food, sweets, and soda. I have always been a terrible eater. And yet, up until the past year or so, I have been able to maintain a healthy weight and appearance just by having a high metabolism. Now that I'm married, off the pill, chained to a desk all day, and approaching 30, it's become apparent that I need to be diligent about diet and exercise. Yes, I have said all this before. Yes, it will be hard. But yes, I can do it. Yes, I can stop looking pregnant while not being pregnant. Yes, I can feel better in my own skin. Yes, I can change my habits. It can be done.

So here I am, weighing in at 150 pounds, really wanting to slim down in all areas of my life, except love and happiness and prosperity. I will accept all of those in abundance, naturally.

But before all the rewards comes the work. I know this, and I accept it.

Consider this my real summertime manifesto. I hope that I can meet the challenge.