Rite of Passage

I haven't been in the best place lately. Life is... complicated. Very overwhelming. And kind of lonely. Lots of happy moments, of course, but this sense of sadness that I can't shake. I was pretty busy at work today, which kept me from thinking much about things. And then I went and got a much-needed haircut afterwards. I won't say it made me feel like a million bucks, but it was a vast improvement.

I took my normal route home, listening to music as usual. I was driving down a semi-lit street that I'm pretty familiar with, when all of a sudden a black and white flash ran right out in front of me. It was a cat. I slammed on my brakes, but you guessed it....

It was too late. I heard two thumps under my car, and I immediately freaked out and burst into tears. I turned the car around and drove slowly back the way I came.

No cat in sight. Still sobbing, I parked the car and got out and walked around a bit. No cat.

This was horrific to me, not being able to find the cat. I so desperately wanted to find it and see if it had a collar on. I wanted to notify its owner and tell them how much I suck for running over their pet. All I could think of was how bad it would be for this cat's owner.

It reminded me of our family dog Ginger. She was the most awesome dog in the world, but she had one weakness: chasing cars. One day she decided to run out to the road as this gigantic diesel truck was coming, and she got hit. She was just lying there in the road afterwards, and we all ran out to her. I petted her gently, because it was obvious she was in so much pain. My mom took her to the vet, where she died during the middle of the night. It hit us all really hard, because we loved her so damn much.

I was twelve years old when that happened. But still, every time I think of Ginger, I tear up. Because she was an amazing dog who left us far too soon.

To think that I probably killed someone's beloved pet makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Although I did what I could to avoid that tragic end, I still hate that I am the cause of that pain. I am really not happy with myself tonight.

When I got home, I was greeted by three lovely kitties, all of whom were so happy to see me. Me, the cat murderer. I went into the bedroom and cried some more. Not just over the cat, but over all the other completely unfair things in this world. Over loss and sadness and tragedy. Over how easily things can be taken away. Over the death of the sweetest dreams. I cried because I feel so damn helpless sometimes. Because I want things to be right for the people I love. Because there's absolutely nothing I can do to make their pain go away. Because some things that happen just aren't right.

I don't know why I titled this post what I did, but it just seemed right. I guess sadness is always a rite of passage, a trial which we are forced to bear. Sometimes there's a happy ending.

And sometimes, there's just an ending.

The world is a heavy place.

I had my 21 week post all planned out and written for today, but I'm not going to post it right now. Perhaps I'll post it next week or sometime when I'm feeling more up to it.

I don't think I'll ever completely understand the way the world works. I believe in balance in the universe, but sometimes I don't see much evidence of that. And that is incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking. It makes me feel, well, heavy. Like there are a million cement blocks stacked on top of me. Like I'm trying to walk with a gravestone chained to my ankle.

I'm tired of tragic things happening to people I love and even to people I barely know. Things have happened this week that should not have happened, ever. It's not fair or right.

That's all.

(PS - I'm fine, and the baby's fine - but on an emotional level, things could be better. I realize I'm being cryptic, but that is unavoidable right now.)

Notes on 2008

This will be my last post of 2008, giving me an even 290 posts for the year.

And what a year it has been. Like so many others, the close of a year leads me down a path of introspective contemplation. I find myself in a very different place, both literally and figuratively, (and in a very different state) than I was at the start of 2008. I've said repeatedly on this blog that this was a very tough year, and actually, that's not entirely the truth.

It was more of a year of really high ups and really low downs. I think that this is what made it so hard sometimes, because with the change of the wind, my whole life tended to shift entirely. Also, several people I am close to had a really hard time this year. I'd like to see more calmness and clarity and happiness in 2009 - for all of us.

Truly, I am grateful for the life lessons I've been privileged to receive this year. I don't think I would really appreciate the many wonderful things in my life if it weren't for the hard knocks.

Here are the major events of the year.

I discovered a new passion (photography) and learned a lot about it through practice, reading, and paying attention to my own vision. (Of course, there is still so much to learn!)
I took on the (pleasurable) task of being Mandy's HOH, gave her a kick ass bridal shower, and offered a kick ass toast at her wedding.
I went to the doctor entirely too much, for things ranging from mole removal to fertility testing to prenatal appointments.
Roy completed his internship, took his comps (and passed), got a new job in his field, and graduated.
I got a little closer to graduating with my Master's degree, although not as close as I planned.
I started and completed my internship, which included a very intimidating teaching day.
Two of my good friends, Myra and Beans, moved away.
I said goodbye to my dear canine friend, Sasha.
My uncle got sick (and is now on the mend).
We went to some really cool places, including Vegas, Minneapolis, Texas, and the Morey Mansion.
I learned to accept that my current job has nothing to do with my inherent worth as a human being.
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
We watched someone close to us get pregnant and then suffer a devastating miscarriage.
We spent most of the year trying for a baby, dealing with the possibility of infertility, and then getting pregnant in September.
I finished up with four years of therapy.
We moved into a new house.
I got Lasik and cut off my hair.
I participated in a very important Presidential election.
I wrote a lot, mostly on this blog, but I did produce some decent poetry as well.
I turned 29, officially entering into the last year of my roaring 20s.
I started the daunting task of cleansing and purging in all areas of my life.
I changed my name.
I met some new people, further solidified some friendships, and burned a few toxic bridges.
I became a mother, which I already mentioned before, but hell, it deserves another mention.
I fell more in love with my rockstar of a husband, who has taught me so much, stood beside me through so much, and loved me so much. Roy, you are amazing, and I don't know what I did to get so lucky. No matter what happens, it's always me and you. With you, I can say "forever" and mean it.

I'm too lazy to link to all the blog posts that talk about these events. If I did that, I'd be writing this damn entry all night, instead of doing really important things like blowing my nose and watching One Tree Hill.

Happy New Year! Goodbye, 2008, you fickle bitch.

Home again, home again

Happy New Year's Eve! We flew in last night after our Texas Christmas vacation. I have more recaps to come and will get to those sometime within the next few days, I imagine.

A few things of note:

1) I have a cold. I actually have had it since Sunday. It sucks to be pregnant and have a cold at the same time, since I'm very limited on what I can take. It also sucks to fly while you're pregnant and have a cold. I was feeling decent until our flights yesterday.

2) It is so wonderful to be home. I cannot express how much I was looking forward to being in our house in our bed with our kitties driving us mad. Life returns to normal on Friday when I go back to work, and I'm grateful for the extra time off so that I can recover from this cold.

3) I'm really behind on my blog reading and commenting. But I'll catch up, I promise.

4) My desktop computer is screwed up again. It worked fine last night, but this morning it hasn't been working. It'll turn on and everything, but the computer isn't actually doing anything but running the fans. Thank the gods for my Macbook; I really need to think about getting a better desktop.

5) It's the last day to enter my guessing game giveaway! So if you haven't already, place your bets before midnight tonight!

A Mother's Grace

My mom called me last night and wearily told me that she'd had to put one of our family cats, Riley, to sleep earlier in the day. He was sixteen years old, and his age had finally caught up with him.

Riley and I were not close. My brother referred to him as "intense," and that's probably a good word choice - we never formed a close bond, but still, this was sad for me to hear. My mom's house will be a little more empty without our black and white buddy. I wish Riley the most perfect peace.

Here's to you, Riley. Your slobbering was top-notch, and you were annoying as all hell. You look a little crazy in the picture below, and I wish I could blame it entirely on the flash. But you were one of a kind, and I'm going to miss you. RIP, ol' buddy.



These phone calls I receive from my mom are the ones that I dread; they are reminders of what I had, what's been lost, and the time that's passed. When I moved to California back in 2001, my mom had four dogs and 10+ cats, remnants of our growing up and our addiction to taking in strays - that's a whole lot of pets, but living in the country on a large plot of land, we always had plenty of space for them to roam and be happy. They've all had lives full of fields, food, and love, and that is the only comfort I know when one of them passes away. When I come back to my mom's house, the place where I grew up, there's that feeling of emptiness - all four dogs are gone now, and most of the cats have died as well. I will never see any of my favorites again. (I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but there were those that I was really attached to. I still get that telltale lump in my throat any time I think of any of them.)

Every time we lose a family pet, there's my own sadness to deal with, but there's also the acknowledgment that my mom is a quiet hero. She accompanies our pets as they take their final breaths; she is there as they slip away. She calls me when it's over and listens to me cry. Sometimes she shares in the tears with me, but most of the time, it's about her comforting me. She's the one who does the hard, dirty work, and she does it with grace.

As I prepare for my own journey to motherhood, I know that this is one of those really difficult things that I'm eventually going to have to deal with. Some day I'm going to have to tell our kids that their favorite kitty or puppy is very sick and needs to be put to sleep. I'm going to have to explain the fact of death, that most unexplainable thing, and I'm going to have to watch my children experience heartbreak.

How will I do this? Will I cry with them? Will I wait until they've gone to bed and then let it all out? How do you balance a mother's grace with that sorrow? How do you put aside your own pain while shouldering the sadness of your children?

I do not have the answers to those questions. But one thing I do know is that my mom will always be my hero, because even though I'm pushing 30 and my brother is 33, all she still wants to do is protect us from the pain of the world. It's a hard, selfless job that I'm taking on, and I sometimes wonder if I have it in me to be that kind of a hero (or a hero at all, really).

And then there's the knowledge that I would do anything to protect this little life inside me. I know this, because every time I see Bunlet moving and wiggling away on the ultrasound screen, all the crappy pregnancy side effects are totally worth it. I'll take more insomnia, more dry-heaving, and more leakage if it means that Bunlet will thrive. You can even throw in some vomiting and constipation for good measure.

Bunlet seems to have unlocked some strength inside me that I didn't know I had. So I guess you could say that Bunlet is my hero, too. I'm proud to be my kiddo's mom, and I'm proud to be my mom's kiddo. Without them, I wouldn't know grace, and I sure as hell wouldn't know this kind of love.

Superwoman

Stick a fork in me! I'm done with my final paper for the quarter, which means I'm done with the quarter. Finally.

As I mentioned, last week was hard. (I've heard that the full moon made things crazy for Geminis.) I had to ask my professor for an extension on my final paper, which was due on Wednesday. He granted me an extension until Thursday. Then I had to ask for an incomplete. As he doesn't like to give incompletes, he gave me an extension until this morning.

Good enough. This may ruin my GPA that I've worked so hard to maintain, but good enough. At this point, I am not picky. In fact, I am so not picky that the paper I turned in didn't meet the page requirement at all. I am normally a much better student, but I also don't usually have a human being growing in me. One thing pregnancy has made me realize is that I'm not Superwoman. Not anywhere close.

So I spent the weekend sleeping and writing and reading and spending time with family and friends, trying not to dwell on the challenges ahead. Because even though the paper's done, there's still a mess of things to deal with.

I'd like 2009 to be simpler, please.

We had our gift exchange with Roy's family last night. Paul drew my name and got me this:



It's a toy camera kit that uses medium-format film and takes awesomely imperfect pictures. I'm extremely excited to add this to my arsenal. I've been wanting this for close to a year now.

Paul also got me two of these, except in classy, shiny silver:



They are perfect for the food-phobic.

(Thank you, Paul.)

We also celebrated Paul's birthday last night. We had yummy chocolate cake, and I loved the candles.







Happy birthday, Paul! And happy winter break to me.

180

Remember this post? Remember how I said I wanted to bottle my feelings of happiness because I knew that I wouldn't always feel that way?

Well, mere days later, I've done a complete 180, and I am a sleep-deprived, pimply, stressed out ball of my former (happy) self. And it's all my professor's fault. How dare he assign us a 20 page paper for our final project? Why didn't I work on this over the weekend?

Oh, that's right. Because I was sleeping for most of the weekend. Because I was/am so sleep-deprived that I feel like I'm losing my mind. Because my husband snores and our cats cry and I'm supposed to be sleeping on my back at this point in my pregnancy but it's just not comfortable. Because our (full-sized) bed is probably not big enough to accommodate both of us and the mound of pillows I need to stay on my side so that I don't cut off Bunlet's blood supply.

Attending graduate school while pregnant = so not recommended.

Where is that bottle of happiness? I need it.

I want to bottle this feeling.

On Thursday night, I took Roy to a local place that does fetal ultrasounds. Even though our big ultrasound (where we find out the sex) is in about two weeks, I was so anxious and excited to see Bunlet. It had been four weeks since I'd had an ultrasound, and I was missing my kiddo. (I anticipate us paying for several more ultrasounds during the last half of my pregnancy. Patience is not a virtue of mine.)

Our baby is an active one. He/she didn't stop moving the entire time. We got to see fingers and toes (and feet and hands, obviously), some long legs (or so they appeared to me), the spine, the heart, and a marvelously adorable baby butt. We saw the face, too, but it's still looking rather skeletal.

At the end of it all, we got to pick the picture we wanted, and we decided to go with the one of Bunlet yawning.



(I think that picture title needs a few more exclamation points, kind of like this: !!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!.)

I have to say that I am amazed, just amazed, by what is happening with my body and with the little person that's growing inside me. The ultrasound left me feeling absolutely giddy and teary. Roy and I went to Target afterwards, and we perused the baby section. We haven't done this much in the time I've been pregnant, and I'm not really sure why. We topped it off with a visit to the Christmas section, where we bought a new tree and some new ornaments. The whole time I just couldn't stop thinking about my life. It's just so good. It's not perfect, but damn, it's good.

On our way home, we were at a stoplight, and I looked over at Roy, his face bathed in soft red light, and I realized, in a way that I've never realized it before, that I am happy.



Thursday was also the day when I saw my therapist for the last time. I had been seeing her for close to four years. I began seeing her after my last ex and I split up, because I was convinced that it all was my fault and somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew there was something wrong with that. (That feeling has been a trend in many of my interpersonal dealings throughout my life.)

For the first few months, my therapist gave me assignments, which I worked on in my therapy notebook. After awhile, we did away with the assignments and just relied on talking through my feelings. I never had any big explosions of emotion, where I broke down in tears and sobbed on her couch, resulting in a giant breakthrough that somehow made me more enlightened. There were a few times when I cried a little bit, tears slipping slowly down my face as I talked about something that I didn't even realize was bothering me.

The changes came slowly, so slowly that I didn't even realize what was occurring. In time, I had transformed from a girl who felt completely defective and unworthy of love to a girl who recognizes her flaws and tries to do her best in spite of them. In many ways, I am still the girl who walked into her office for the first time, but I am now a stronger version of her.

It takes courage to look at the dark parts of oneself and try to figure out what to do with them. In my case, I have managed to integrate these dark parts with the rest of my character. They do not define me, but they are undeniably part of me. I have better things to do than be a martyr and remain a slave to the hurtful parts of my past. I choose now to respect that past and let it rest. I'm sure I will revisit it as necessary, as I have done in recent years, but there is no longer this overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about the hard things.

There is so much that I want to do with my life, so many things that I want to experience. Today I feel that all things are possible. For the moment, I have this beautiful, illuminating sense of clarity.

I feel whole.



Earlier this week, a very influential ex-boyfriend found me on myspace. I met J when I was 18 years old, mere months before I slipped into my Great Depression. (He was not the cause of the Great Depression, by the way, but he was there to witness some of it.) We had a long-distance relationship that was characterized by a frenzy of letter-writing. I still have all of his letters, and you can definitely trace how things unfolded between us. It was all very romantic.

He was one of the first people I'd met that dared to break the mold of boring convention, and being the curious person I've always been, he was very intriguing to me. Ultimately he opened my mind to a great many new things, which I have always been grateful for.

I was so in awe of J that I don't think I really knew how to be myself, my whole self, around him. He was so tough and so experienced and so sure of what he wanted that it was very intimidating to me. I think he sensed this about me and thus encouraged me to unlock my inner warrioress. I didn't figure out how to do this until years later. And I realized this week that she's here, she's unlocked, she's always with me.

That person I always wanted to be? Without knowing how it happened, I've become her.



There are people in my life who are going through some hard times and have been for awhile. I want to say to them that life sucks sometimes, and it does so without any consideration for who you are. Sometimes it's unfair to have this much shit piled on us, but it happens anyway, without any regard to what's fair.

The good news? Things do get better. Things will start to change. One day you'll wake up and realize that you're happy, that your inner voice is calm, and that you've made it. This hard time that you're going through may act as my Great Depression does for me and serve as the thing against which you measure all bad things. You may begin to see that if you can make it through this, then you can make it through anything.

And you can. Rest assured, things are going to change for the better.

In the meantime, hang in there. It will be worth it, I promise.



The holiday season is upon us, and I'm looking forward to the holidays with a great sense of anticipation and excitement. I have always loved Christmas, but still, this year feels different. There's a different kind of electricity in the air, a strange feeling of wonder.

Maybe the holiday season hasn't changed at all. Maybe it's just me. Things in me are shifting (and not just my internal organs due to pregnancy, either!). I feel alive and conscious and absolutely electric.

This feeling I'm having? I want to bottle it. Because life is so good right now, and it won't always be this good. Because I want to remember this time in great detail, but the older I get, the less room my brain has. Because it is, quite frankly, a beautiful state in which to be.

Today, and maybe today only, the world is a beautiful, welcoming place - and life is something to be treasured.

Thanks for being there as I muck my way through it all.

The End of November

It's been a truly great (but amazingly stressful) month. Here's what happened.

1) We moved into our new house and said good-bye to our old apartment.
2) Obama was elected President!
3) Prop 8 passed. (Big, huge sad face.)
4) I totally screwed up NaBloPoMo. I didn't even come close to posting every day.
5) I saw our baby move (on the ultrasound screen) and have heard his/her heartbeat multiple times.
6) We came out to pretty much everyone about my being pregnant after keeping it on the DL for a couple of months.

Of course, I have more to say. I had a great weekend and would love to talk about it in detail, but my computer really is acting up. So I'm pretty limited on what I can do with pictures at the moment. (However, my Macbook should be here this coming week!)

But because I haven't shared anything from this session yet, here's some pics from a really quick shoot I did on my lunch hour a couple of weeks ago. All I can say is I have puppy fever, thanks to this session.





You can see the rest of the pics here.

And PS, thanks so much for all your kind comments and congratulations on my pregnancy. I have a looooooooooong post related to that, and hopefully I'll be able to finish it up and post it soon.

Happy December, everyone!

The Luckiest

As the holiday season sets in, I am feel like I am the luckiest person alive.

I am married to an amazing man, who is my best friend, my most enthusiastic (and yet my most mellow) cheerleader, and my partner in crime. The day we were married was truly the most wonderful day of my life. There is never a day that goes by where I don't think of how lucky I am to have him by my side.





I have a wonderful, supportive family (ducks not included). As if my own crazy and hilarious family wasn't good enough, I managed to marry into a family made up of some amazing and unique individuals. Roy and I are lucky to be surrounded on all sides by the love and support of our families.



I have the funniest and kindest friends a girl could ask for (not all of whom are pictured here, because some friends, no matter how awesome they are, don't like to be photographed. Or maybe I just don't have good photos of them.). They have seen me through some very dark times. They have laughed with me at stupid jokes and stupid people. They've emailed or texted or called to check in - for good reasons or for no reason at all. They are, essentially, my lifeline to the rest of the world.







I have a roof over my head and a home full of lovely fuzzy creatures. I am forever grateful that I have a home, a place that is comfortable and has adequate heat, air, and water. And I will never be able to express how much I love our cats. They are wonderful puffballs of unconditional love.







I am educated and employed. I have been fortunate enough to have the resources to go to college and gain an extraordinary amount of knowledge (and a considerable amount of student loan debt). And no matter what I may lose in the future, my education is something that can never be taken from me. My job, on the other hand, leaves so much to be desired, but in this scary economy, I am still lucky to have it. I make enough money to pay our bills, and I have good benefits. Things could definitely be worse.



I am continually inspired by the things you, my readers, write and produce on your own blogs - and being as big of a lurker as I tend to be, I am always in awe of people who have no idea I even exist. My Google Reader is always full, and I am so thankful that there is no lack of beauty in the blogosphere.



And, lastly, I am pregnant with our first child, due in late May/early June. We are absolutely over-the-moon, jump-up-and-down-screaming, can't-sleep-at-night, shout-it-from-the-rooftops thrilled. We cannot wait to meet our lovely Bunlet, who stole our hearts from the very first positive pregnancy test.





No matter how much I say it, I can never express my gratitude enough for the gifts that I've been given or for the support of my family, friends, and blog readers along the way. This year has been extraordinarily tough, but you, all of you, have given me the strength to push through it. Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I blew it.

Well, NaBloPoMo has hardly begun, and I missed posting yesterday. I had every intention of putting something together, but the day got away from me - and then last night got very...interesting. It's a story that will someday be told on this here blog, but today is not that day.

Because it's Moving Day! Wish us luck getting all our crap over to our new place.

November begins.

November is a problematic month for me, because it marks the anniversary of two major life-changing events. It's impossible for me to enter into this month and not think about how these things have shaped the person I am today. However, I'm pretty proud of the person I've become, and I've learned that past events don't have to dictate my future.

That said, I am really excited about this November. I'm cautiously excited about the results of the election, but more than anything, I'm ready for the election roller coaster ride to be over. It has been a troubling and emotional time for us. I'm ready for things to settle down a bit, although I have a feeling that there will continue to be a major uproar even after Election Day. I feel strangely honored to be a part of such an important election, though. And having a sense of humor about things goes a long way!



I'm also thrilled about our new house. We got the keys last weekend and moved in most of our books and half of our storage unit. This weekend is devoted to moving the other half of our storage unit and most everything in our office at our current place. The big move will take place next weekend, but hopefully we'll only have to worry about getting our furniture over there. I'm ready to get in and get all settled.

I'm also very pleased to announce that we finally have a name for our little orange ball of adorableness. It's a name we thought of before we even met her, and we weren't sure if it was the right fit. One week later, we've decided that if anyone can take on this name, it's her.

She's not overly complicated, so she needed (something that could be shortened to) a one-syllable name. She's orange, so that needed to be taken into consideration. She's sneaky, another characteristic that she had to have in order to be christened....

Miss Agent Orange

Or Mao for short.



Another thing about our Mao: she farts. all. the. time. I have never met a kitten that farted as much as she does. Actually, to be honest, I really didn't think cats farted. But apparently Mao is half cat, half warfare tactic - so Agent Orange makes a whole lot of sense. (And then there are the obvious political references, but make of that what you will.)

So yeah, she can stink up a room like it's nobody's business, but she has really stolen our hearts with her never-ending cuteness. The other two cats are finally beginning to warm up to her; tonight will be the first night they all sleep together in the bathroom.

Here are some pictures of our little fartastic wonder playing with Roy this morning:













Obviously, when you've got something this cute to reckon with, flatulence doesn't seem like such a deal-breaker.

Lastly, it's NaBloPoMo! Let the posting frenzy begin!

Things Look Up, I Look Down

Do you ever have those days when you're just not proud to be yourself?



Tuesday and Wednesday were very negative days for me. There are many things that are weighing heavily on me. Obviously, Prop 8 is one of them. I am also having all kinds of interpersonal issues with co-workers, one of which came to a head yesterday after I left work early for mental health purposes.

I have to constantly remind myself that not everyone is like me and that not everyone needs to be like me. There's an element of self-righteousness in me that I cannot stand. I really can't. I hate it when people don't accept me as I am, so why do I find it so hard to accept others as they are?



Don't get me wrong - I am very tolerant of other people's belief systems; this isn't really about that.

It's more about finding it in myself to be kind, because sometimes being kind to others who make me angry really is a lot of work.

I guess I really am a work in progress. I've got lots of unfinished spots and many rough edges.



Last night I played with these macros in Lightroom and found that the end products (and the process) did a great job of soothing the savage beast in me.

It's the little things, right?

Where is Leslie?

It's been awhile since I last blogged. And apparently, judging from the emails I've gotten, I'm actually missed when I'm not blogging! Thanks to those of you who sent emails or asked me where the hell I've been/what the hell I've been doing.

I've actually been doing the same thing I've always been doing. Work, school two nights a week, photo shoots on the weekends, etc. I think I sounded a little negative awhile back, but rest assured that I am not an unhappy camper - I'm just being a slug most of the time.

Anyway. Here are two things of note about today.

1) Today is my brother's birthday. Happy birthday, Wade! I'm pretty sure that he's 33 today. I sent him two cool things in the mail, so hopefully he'll get those soon.

Here's a picture of the birthday boy:



2) Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I personally have never experienced this, but several people near and dear to my heart have.



The idea is for everyone to light a candle at 7 PM tonight, creating light for lost babies around the world. Sounds like a wonderful idea to me. I'll be in class tonight, but I will light my candle when I get home.

That's all I have for today. It's mid-October, life is good, and I'm tired.

Blahsville

Hello, hello...

I'm not sure what to say here, to be honest. There has been so much that has been going on lately but nothing that I feel prepared to talk about on here. I have been keeping extremely busy, and as a result, I am pretty worn out. I am surprisingly lacking in things to say despite the exhausting whirlwind that my life has become.

I am probably going to take a bit of a blogging break. Well, I have some photo sessions coming up, and I'll probably post some pictures from those. But honestly, I am feeling absolutely silent when it comes to this blog. I suppose that could change tomorrow, but I doubt it.

So I'm just going to enjoy the silence.

Still

I joined the Photo Trade this month. Basically, it's just as it sounds - trading photos with a partner each month. The photos are all based on a theme. The theme for September is "Still."

Here are the two photos I'm going to send out. I hope my partner likes them!




You can see other people's photos here.

In other news:

1) Roy and I worked out again tonight. I cussed at the TV quite a bit.

2) My computer is still being kind of a douchebag.

3) Last night I actually wrote a couple of poems that didn't suck sweaty balls.

4) I am reading a really good book.

5) I actually haven't been hating my job these days.

The end, for tonight.

I just might vomit.

I can't sleep. Here's why:

I am obsessive about saving emails. I have ten years of emails on my computer, some of which date back to my very first computer.

The most important ones are the personal emails that I've received and sent over the years. For some reason, anytime someone writes me something, I feel compelled to keep it. I think it's because I take the act of writing so seriously that I consider each email a gift or something. Also, a lot of my life has been recorded via email, and that's important to me as well.

Currently, Staples has my computer, and they are going to have to reinstall Windows to get rid of all the spyware. Before they do that, though, they will have to back up all my email. I wasn't able to do it here at home, and I keep having doubts that they'll be able to do it either.

Just when I thought I had this little fear under control, I woke up in the middle of the night sweating over this.

Life will go on if I lose my email - I know this. Besides, didn't I just write a post about letting go?

Letting Go

This weekend I was able to get most of my to-do list done, although I didn't really get to do the anniversary shoot with Melinda and Chris. We did meet up and I did get some pictures, but we were pretty disorganized and ended up wasting a lot of time (and light). So I think we're going to have to meet up again, with it all figured out beforehand. The upside is that I got to hang with Melinda, who is a wonderful friend of mine. I don't get to see her nearly enough.

I spent a lot of time this weekend trying to diagnose and fix my computer and working on our place. We think the issue with the computer is spyware, and it's currently being worked on. (I'm just going to interject here and say that my next computer will be a Mac and that I will never use any Norton products again.) Our apartment is looking totally awesome, although something really does need to be done about the brown carpet and wood panelling. Truly, though, moving things around and getting rid of more unnecessary crap has been so therapeutic for me.

One thing that I decided we needed was to have each room's purpose clearly defined. For example, our bedroom was a mess of books, VHS tapes, and electronics, with all the regular bedroom stuff mixed in. I didn't realize how much crap we had in there until we took a lot of it out. Now it feels like a calmer, open area, which makes for a calmer, open me.

The living room, too, was crammed full of stuff, and moving a lot of that stuff out and rearranging the furniture has created positive new energy. The computer room is definitely a work of progress and will probably never feel open or uncrowded, unless we decide to get rid of a ton of books. But it's getting better.



All this sorting, rearranging, and cleaning has made me think back to my summertime manifesto, the list of things I wanted to accomplish over the summer:

1) eat better and exercise and really keep it up instead of doing it for a week and then going back to my old habits - This has not been done. I am still the 150 lb. person I was at the beginning of the summer, but I have a new workout video on the way to me. I am really tired of feeling fat, complaining about fat, etc. It's time to do something about it. I keep telling myself that if I can quit smoking, then I can do this.

2) look for a new job - Done. I have applied for about 50 positions at this point. I've had a few companies express interest in me, but nothing has worked out.

3) purge our living quarters of unnecessary crap - In progress. What a great feeling.

4) have a yard sale - Done. We had two of them in June.

5) complete the documents necessary to amending our marriage license, so that I can finally change my name (hopefully) - Done. Got the new name to prove it.

6) get organized - this means everything: my computer, our apartment, my work computer, and everything else in between (everything has been entirely too chaotic for entirely too long) - In progress. Work computer is done. Apartment is close to being done. My personal computer is a whole other story. It's a mess. Once I get it all fixed, this is going to become a high priority.

7) edit all leftover photos - In progress. I was working on this when my computer decided to crap out on me.

8) take lots of pictures - Done.

9) write a lot - Done, but not as much as I'd like.

10) research and read for my thesis - Oh, please. This is so not done. School really is the farthest thing from my mind.

11) sign up for a consultation for Lasik - Done. Got the 20/15 vision to prove it.

12) relax and have fun - Done.



I can't say this was a good summer. I can't say it was a bad one, either. I can say that it was extremely complicated and emotional, with some really joyous moments mixed in as well as some overwhelming downers. Overall, though, I'd say that I learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of handling. So I'm starting the fall with a renewed sense of self-confidence and strength.

To continue on that note, this summer I've realized how much I desire simplicity in my life. There are some things that are never going to be simple, like relationships and my own inner workings. I'm learning to balance that by simplifying the other things in my life, like our home, our finances, and my daily routine.

There are also those things that I will never be able to control. I've spent a lot of time hating my job, and I've spent a lot of time trying to improve it and/ or trying to find a new one. The bottom line is that I have done what I can to make myself more professionally fulfilled at this point in my life, and I will continue to hang tight to my dreams and obey my creative longings. Now I'm just making the best of a bad situation. I don't have more work to do, but I have been keeping myself busy anyway with my own personal work. If they want to utilize me, I'm there and in favor of it. If not, then I'll just do my own thing. Maybe I'll write the Great American Novel on their dime. I already got paid to plan my wedding!

I think I am just tired of feeling angry about my job situation. Anger is exhausting. It can be a great motivator, but sometimes I just have to let go. I think this is one of those times where I just need to acknowledge the situation and move on. Things could be so much worse, especially considering the state of the economy.

So, this is where I am right now at this moment. And frankly, it's not a bad place to be. It's actually a place that feels eerily like...well, happiness.

***

PS - I feel another long, completely self-indulgent post coming on sometime within the next few weeks.

Photo credit goes to borealnz, another talented flickr photographer. (As long as my computer keeps sucking, I'll have to use other people's photos. They sure are pretty to look at, aren't they?)

weekending

I feel compelled to list my weekend plans.



1) Do a photo shoot with Melinda and her husband for their one year anniversary.

2) Fix my computer, or at least find out what the problem is.

3) Finish changing my name at the bank; order new checks with my new name on them.

4) Work on our place! (Last night we completely rearranged the living room, and it looks a lot more open and inviting. But we still have to find homes for a lot of stuff.)

5) Fix my 50mm lens. (The other night I dropped my camera - on carpet - and the lens cap is now jammed onto the filter. At least the lens isn't damaged. This is why you should always buy filters for your lenses. Class dismissed.)

6) Do the regular weekend stuff - a bit of grocery shopping, laundry, catching up on some TV on DVD, etc.

7) Whatever else I feel like, dammit.

***

The above photo was taken by my latest flickr crush, andrewlee1967. andrewlee1967, I am in awe of your talent and love the way you can make a sink full of dishes look so beautiful. Keep on doin' what you do. Thanks.

Hi.

I'm breaking my five-day silence with a pretty random post. Without pictures, unfortunately.

-My computer and external hard drive have both been giving me a lot of trouble since last week. Frankly, at the moment I feel like throwing both of them out of the window and starting fresh. I want to get a Mac, but I can't really justify it right now because my computer is still under warranty. And yes, I took my computer in to be fixed last week, and it came out even worse.

-I did a photo session this past weekend, and I haven't been able to share it due to my computer issues. It's not like my computer is not working at all, but last night I opened Lightroom to do some editing - only to find that everything I've worked on since June is gone. It's a good thing that I am good about saving things on the hard drive. It's a bad thing that I can't trust my computer enough to keep everything on the hard drive. It's also a bad thing that I can't even do a backup of my files because the external hard drive makes my computer crash.

-I am also going crazy because I feel like we have too much stuff. None of it seems to have a place.

-At work today I was hit with the desire to rearrange our bedroom. So that's what we've been working on tonight. I'm sure it will take awhile to complete it. Of course, this is leading me to rethink all the rooms in our house to see how we can better utilize our space. But so far the notable changes in our bedroom are: 1) We removed all the books, the TV and DVD player, and our bed frame and headboard. Now our bed sits directly on the floor underneath the only window in the room. 2) We moved the fishtank into the bedroom onto the stand where the TV was. I think this is a better place for it as it's a much steadier foundation for the tank. I'm pretty excited about these changes, because our bedroom feels much more open now. We have a lot more wall space, which I am going to use to display a whole lot of art that we have floating around on our walls. I'm also stoked about removing the TV, because I've heard that it's better to keep things like that out of the bedroom.

-I am not a big fan of the wood panelling in our house and am dying to paint over it. But alas, we are renters, not owners.

-I spent the majority of this summer being pretty darn lazy. All of a sudden, I feel this desire to get things done. It hit me yesterday, and so I have been keeping pretty busy catching up on things. Productivity is a good feeling. I think it's come about because it's September, and my body is very in tune with the changes that September brings.

-Speaking of changes and September, I figured out a way to finish my MA this year without hardly ever having to go on campus. I'm going to take my foreign language online, and the only thing I will have to do other than that is work on my thesis. Fortunately, I don't need to be on campus to do that. After many, many years of adjusting my life for my school schedule, I finally won't have to. This is amazing to me. I feel like a different person.

-I signed up to participate in several cool projects, all designed to nurture my creative soul. I am very excited. Feel free to sign up too, if you want.

-I feel that there are big things on the horizon. I'm not sure what they are. For all I know, it could just be that feeling I get when the seasons change, but it feels that things are stirring, things are happening.

-Tonight I am content with my life.