A Mother's Grace

My mom called me last night and wearily told me that she'd had to put one of our family cats, Riley, to sleep earlier in the day. He was sixteen years old, and his age had finally caught up with him.

Riley and I were not close. My brother referred to him as "intense," and that's probably a good word choice - we never formed a close bond, but still, this was sad for me to hear. My mom's house will be a little more empty without our black and white buddy. I wish Riley the most perfect peace.

Here's to you, Riley. Your slobbering was top-notch, and you were annoying as all hell. You look a little crazy in the picture below, and I wish I could blame it entirely on the flash. But you were one of a kind, and I'm going to miss you. RIP, ol' buddy.



These phone calls I receive from my mom are the ones that I dread; they are reminders of what I had, what's been lost, and the time that's passed. When I moved to California back in 2001, my mom had four dogs and 10+ cats, remnants of our growing up and our addiction to taking in strays - that's a whole lot of pets, but living in the country on a large plot of land, we always had plenty of space for them to roam and be happy. They've all had lives full of fields, food, and love, and that is the only comfort I know when one of them passes away. When I come back to my mom's house, the place where I grew up, there's that feeling of emptiness - all four dogs are gone now, and most of the cats have died as well. I will never see any of my favorites again. (I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but there were those that I was really attached to. I still get that telltale lump in my throat any time I think of any of them.)

Every time we lose a family pet, there's my own sadness to deal with, but there's also the acknowledgment that my mom is a quiet hero. She accompanies our pets as they take their final breaths; she is there as they slip away. She calls me when it's over and listens to me cry. Sometimes she shares in the tears with me, but most of the time, it's about her comforting me. She's the one who does the hard, dirty work, and she does it with grace.

As I prepare for my own journey to motherhood, I know that this is one of those really difficult things that I'm eventually going to have to deal with. Some day I'm going to have to tell our kids that their favorite kitty or puppy is very sick and needs to be put to sleep. I'm going to have to explain the fact of death, that most unexplainable thing, and I'm going to have to watch my children experience heartbreak.

How will I do this? Will I cry with them? Will I wait until they've gone to bed and then let it all out? How do you balance a mother's grace with that sorrow? How do you put aside your own pain while shouldering the sadness of your children?

I do not have the answers to those questions. But one thing I do know is that my mom will always be my hero, because even though I'm pushing 30 and my brother is 33, all she still wants to do is protect us from the pain of the world. It's a hard, selfless job that I'm taking on, and I sometimes wonder if I have it in me to be that kind of a hero (or a hero at all, really).

And then there's the knowledge that I would do anything to protect this little life inside me. I know this, because every time I see Bunlet moving and wiggling away on the ultrasound screen, all the crappy pregnancy side effects are totally worth it. I'll take more insomnia, more dry-heaving, and more leakage if it means that Bunlet will thrive. You can even throw in some vomiting and constipation for good measure.

Bunlet seems to have unlocked some strength inside me that I didn't know I had. So I guess you could say that Bunlet is my hero, too. I'm proud to be my kiddo's mom, and I'm proud to be my mom's kiddo. Without them, I wouldn't know grace, and I sure as hell wouldn't know this kind of love.

bite me

So I've been a really horrible blogger and blog commenter. Things have been off-the-wall insane, and they're going to get worse (busier) before they get better. All I have to say is, "What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for NaBloPoMo this year?" I had a million great ideas for posts, and I have several that I've written in my head. And that's where they'll stay for now.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some pictures of Mao doing what she does best: biting everything...





...and then sleeping:




Ahh, the life of a cat. I need that life.

November begins.

November is a problematic month for me, because it marks the anniversary of two major life-changing events. It's impossible for me to enter into this month and not think about how these things have shaped the person I am today. However, I'm pretty proud of the person I've become, and I've learned that past events don't have to dictate my future.

That said, I am really excited about this November. I'm cautiously excited about the results of the election, but more than anything, I'm ready for the election roller coaster ride to be over. It has been a troubling and emotional time for us. I'm ready for things to settle down a bit, although I have a feeling that there will continue to be a major uproar even after Election Day. I feel strangely honored to be a part of such an important election, though. And having a sense of humor about things goes a long way!



I'm also thrilled about our new house. We got the keys last weekend and moved in most of our books and half of our storage unit. This weekend is devoted to moving the other half of our storage unit and most everything in our office at our current place. The big move will take place next weekend, but hopefully we'll only have to worry about getting our furniture over there. I'm ready to get in and get all settled.

I'm also very pleased to announce that we finally have a name for our little orange ball of adorableness. It's a name we thought of before we even met her, and we weren't sure if it was the right fit. One week later, we've decided that if anyone can take on this name, it's her.

She's not overly complicated, so she needed (something that could be shortened to) a one-syllable name. She's orange, so that needed to be taken into consideration. She's sneaky, another characteristic that she had to have in order to be christened....

Miss Agent Orange

Or Mao for short.



Another thing about our Mao: she farts. all. the. time. I have never met a kitten that farted as much as she does. Actually, to be honest, I really didn't think cats farted. But apparently Mao is half cat, half warfare tactic - so Agent Orange makes a whole lot of sense. (And then there are the obvious political references, but make of that what you will.)

So yeah, she can stink up a room like it's nobody's business, but she has really stolen our hearts with her never-ending cuteness. The other two cats are finally beginning to warm up to her; tonight will be the first night they all sleep together in the bathroom.

Here are some pictures of our little fartastic wonder playing with Roy this morning:













Obviously, when you've got something this cute to reckon with, flatulence doesn't seem like such a deal-breaker.

Lastly, it's NaBloPoMo! Let the posting frenzy begin!

Breakthrough!

Last night, our little orange goddess finally came out of her shell. She'd spent most of her time hiding behind a chair or in a magazine rack or under our clawfoot bathtub. (Sometimes she'd reluctantly let us hold her, but only if we could catch her.) I guess yesterday she'd had enough of that hiding game, so she was out and about when I got home from class. I sat down to eat a salad and pita bread, and the next thing I knew, I saw her staring up at me.



I held out my hand to her, and she immediately began licking my fingers. (Apparently she liked the salad dressing quite a bit!) I then picked her up and was delighted to hear her purring. She didn't leave my side all night. We watched TV together, and we let her sleep with us. (We won't be making a habit out of letting her sleep with us at night. As soon as the other two are more comfortable with her, she'll be staying with them in the bathroom every night.)

It was very strange sleeping with such a small creature. I woke up probably at least once an hour to make sure she was still breathing. I have to admit that it was so wonderful waking up to that little orange face. She's pretty dang cute. I had forgotten how much I love kittens.

We still haven't named her, but I know it will come to us.

Crazy Cat Day

Back when I met Ernie the cat, I realized that I really wanted another fuzzy creature around the house. A couple of weeks ago, we were in Petsmart and ran into a lady who was fostering this little orange kitty. He was really sweet and terribly cute. Turns out he had giardia but was being treated for it. We got the foster mother's number with the intent of taking him off her hands when he got better.

As it turns out, he still wasn't better when I talked to her last week, and she had decided to take him back to Petsmart to continue to be treated, as his treatment was costing her too much money. We were unwilling to take in a sick kitten, since we already have two cats who are healthy.

Melinda recently got a kitten of her own, and so today she took us to her friend's house so that we could pick one out as well. We met Bart, Melinda's new terror, for the first time:



And we met this tiny and sweet little girl:





We brought her home, and she has been incredibly mellow but very standoffish. I don't think she's really used to being around people, but we're hoping to bring her out of her shell. Woogas and Kerwin have been skulking around being pissy since she showed up, but I'm sure they will end up being best of friends.

We still don't have a name for her. We have lots of cute ones picked out (one in particular that I love), but I'm not sure which ones, if any, fit her yet. If you have any suggestions, leave them in the comments!

Products of Insomnia

I've always been an insomniac. It flares up from time to time, usually when I have a lot on my mind. So I find myself on the computer at odd hours reading blogs and editing photos. I thought I'd share a few recent pictures of the non-human life in our household these days.

Roy has been obsessed with buying new fish lately.




And I've been obsessed with getting good pictures of our cats. This is not an easy task, as they tend to move really quickly. They don't like posing for me for some reason.




Kerwin (below) looks pissed, but let me assure you: he's a really good-natured cat. I'm pretty sure I woke him up to take this picture.

Human's Best Friend

Mandy and Paul found a lost dog in the neighborhood a couple of nights ago. She is probably less than a year old and is honestly one of the sweetest dogs I've ever met. They would love to keep her, but their dog doesn't get along with other dogs. We would love to take her, but we just don't have the space for her. Any Southern California people looking for a very sweet and beautiful puppy? We would love to find her a good home.

If you are interested, send me an email at leslie@bugweb.net.

Cerby's taking over the world!

Back when I took Mandy and Paul's engagement pictures, I also took pictures of their dog Cerby for their table numbers at their wedding. I finally got around to editing them this evening. I had to do some creative cropping, but I still think the finished product is really cute. Here are some of my favorites:

It's nice to feel loved.

My Own LOLcat

I made this earlier this morning using i can has cheezburger's lolcat builder. That's Kerwin! When Roy took this picture, he caught him in mid meow. It does kind of look like someone tried to go in the back door without his permission, but I assure you that I (who was holding him) was not engaging in surprise buttseckses.

For the Love of a Dog

Dear Sasha,

Today you departed this world and left behind a big hole in my heart.

I found you at the Humane Society when I was 13 years old. You were 6 months old and the perfect present for a brand new teenager. You were just the kind of ugly mutt that I had always loved and that the rest of the world neglected. You were covered in fleas and ticks, but you cleaned up really well when it came time for us to take you home. On the drive to your new home, you were so scared you were drooling everywhere. I felt so sorry for you.

You quickly adapted to your new home though. Soon you had earned the affections of everyone around you. We gave you so many nicknames, like "Firf" and "Firfacles" and "Maggot." (Okay, so I never once called you "Maggot.") Your life was a simple one, filled with days of sun, food, green grass, and lots of rubs. You were always so sweet. And damn, you ate a whole hell of a lot! But you won our hearts and remained there. Even after I left home, you stayed behind, but you were always so happy to see me when I came back. Truly, it was like no time had passed.

I had known for awhile that you were not going to be around much longer. You gave us quite a scare less than a year ago when you got really sick. I thought for sure you were going to leave us that day, but you got better and hung in there. It was only right that you stayed around long enough for me to get married - after all, we grew up together.

Tonight, when my mom called, I knew by her voice that something was terribly wrong. She didn't want to tell me right then because I was just getting out of class, but because I pressed her, she told me that she had to put you to sleep earlier in the day. You were in so much pain and were so old. You were incontinent and couldn't even hold yourself up anymore. I kept it all in pretty well until she told me that she was having you cremated and wanted me to have your ashes. I pretty much lost it then, right in the middle of the campus parking lot.

I really don't want your ashes. I just want you to be alive and healthy. But I know you were in so much pain, and I never wanted you to suffer. So I have decided that I am happy to take your ashes if it means that you are running around crazily in some amazing doggy heaven.

And so, my Firf, I guess this is goodbye. We watched each other grow up, and frankly, I don't know how I will ever get over losing you. I love you so very much and will miss you always. Even though I was very much expecting this, I still wasn't prepared to lose my favorite canine forever.

Safe travels, fuzzy one.

Always,

the girl who loves you


PS - If you happen to see Melinda and Chris's dog Roxy in the great beyond, please befriend her. She too passed on today and will need a good friend. Here is her picture, so you know who to look for.



PPS - Kim reminded me that both you and Roxy will have a guide in the great beyond. Her name is Molly, and she needs some good friends too.



RIP, Sasha, Roxy, and Molly

Small Wonders

Today, happiness has come in many forms.

-Rain! I have always loved all things connected to rain.

-New makeup! As Ugly Week has begun to stretch into Ugly Month, I've needed some more help in this department. Today I got some new foundation, concealer, perfume, face wash, and brushes, courtesy of my friend Nan who sells Mary Kay products. I have used Mary Kay products in the past and have found that they work well for me. I can always return anything that doesn't work out for me.

-Downsizing! Because of the new makeup, I went through all my old makeup and nail polish and threw away a ton of stuff. As I did, I thought about how much money I'd wasted on products I hardly used. In the future, I will try not to become obsessed with collecting things I don't use.

-My new flickr account! I decided to open a flickr account after all, but will continue posting photos here as well. You can subscribe to my photos if you want to, just as you would a regular blog.

-Clark's! It had been a long time since I'd been in Clark's, but Roy and I went there tonight and were awestruck at all the products. We will definitely become more regular shoppers.

-Strange coincidences! My mom called and woke me up from a dream that focused heavily on her and our relationship.

-Fuzzy kitties! When I woke up from said dream, I realized that both Kerwin and Woogas were all snuggled against me, sleeping. So cute!

-Homework avoidance! This really is not something to be excited about, but it's making the list anyway.

-Meditation! I've decided to try to add meditation to my daily routine to help reduce stress in my life. I've become aware that I am entirely too stressed out, and it is showing up in a number of areas. I have attempted meditation before with little success. I plan on trying it at the end of my yoga routine, because then I will already be very relaxed.

Memory Month: How We Met Our Woogas

Who: me and Roy/Roy and I
What: looking for fish to fill the fishtank that we got for Christmas
When: New Years Eve 2005, approximately 6 PM
Where: Petsmart

You know how it goes. Once a girl goes into the puppy or kitten section of any store, you'd have to pry her away. Such was the case with me when I met Roy at Petsmart on New Year's Eve 2005 to buy some fish for our new fishtank. I beat him there (I had been working) and went to go look at the kittens to kill time. It was truly a good thing.

After Roy showed up, I brought him back to the room full of kittens in cages, because he's a fan of all things cute too. The Humane Society woman was struggling with a tiny grey tabby kitten who had just escaped from its cage - and that's how we met Ashe, who we adopted that night. (I admit it, I totally begged. Thankfully, I didn't have to beg much, because Roy loved her just as much.) She was sooooo cute. What's funny is that at the time we thought Ashe was a boy, because the Humane Society lady told us she was. (We figured out the truth when we took "him" in to get neutered a couple of months later.)



Anyway, Woogas was about 3 months old at the time we adopted her, and she was on Death Row at the pound when the Humane Society rescued her. She had a leaky eye, which is due to a virus and still flares up from time to time even now. But still, we fell in love with our little bundle of joy and took her home with us to stay forever.



Woogas and I have grown to be very close over the 2 years that we've been part of each other's lives. She absolutely loves for me to hold her (when she's in the mood, of course - as sweet as she is, she's still a total biatch), but only when I'm standing up and walking around. She will follow me from room to room around the house. She literally gripes at me when she's hungry or wants attention. She will lick my face and rub her face on mine. I love her to pieces and am so glad that we found her and took her home that night.



Happy 2 year anniversary, Woogas! (Don't ask me how I came up with the name "Woogas." I really can't remember. But it somehow suits her better than "Ashe.")

This calls for a recap!

1) My co-worker and friend Beans got me The Omnivore's Dilemma for Christmas. I thought that was very thoughtful of him.

2) I got an A in the class that I took last quarter. I guess my paper turned out pretty well after all.

3) When I got home from work the other night, I couldn't find Kerwin. I almost tore the entire place apart looking for him. When Roy got home, I was close to being frantic, tears in my eyes and scared out of my mind that he had gotten out somehow. We finally found him under the bed - he and Woogas had apparently torn a big hole in the thin fabric that lines the bottom of the boxspring. He was hiding out inside and was only being held up by the fabric that hadn't torn yet. Crazy cat.

4) I have really been enjoying my time off from school. It's nice not having to think about it for awhile.

5) The department manager now knows that I didn't get the job. She came to talk to me yesterday morning and told me that she wants to put me in a different position because she knows I'm not being utilized as well or as much as I should be. While I'm not sure yet that I totally want the job, it's an attractive prospect that would earn me a pay raise, a possible change in status, and an opportunity to learn a different skill set. I could still keep my proofreading duties if I wanted to as well. However, the position doesn't exist yet and has not been approved yet. I am going to think it over during the time I have off.

6) Speaking of time off, Christmas is almost here! No last minute shopping for me - I am totally done!

7) The other night when I got home from work (the same night I couldn't find Kerwin), there was a small marching band walking down the street playing that "Glory Glory Hallelujah" song. I was completely transfixed for some reason, and then 2 young girls approached me for a donation to help them in their cause. So I gave a donation, and then they asked if they could pray with me. I felt a little wary since I am not at all religious, but I just couldn't say no to these very sweet girls. So I held hands with them and then we hugged afterwards. It was actually a really nice, warming experience.

8) We our our white elephant gift exchange at work on Wednesday. I started out with this, and to my surprise, it actually got stolen from me!



So I opened a new present and got this soap.



At my insistence, another co-worker stole my soap, so I could steal this bottle, which I love.



I was happy.

9) I'm still happy. Life is good.

A Dream of Three Kitties

Last night I dreamt that Roy and I had Kerwin and Woogas with us in some building that was filled with junk. Much to our alarm, we found out that a huge python had taken up residence there, and so most of the dream was spent trying to save our cats from a terrible death. We would put them in a cage, and they would escape. We would get them in the car, and then we would notice that the car had no floor - so again, they would escape. In the end, we were able to save them and get out of there. Towards the end of the dream, Scampers, one of my old family cats who lived with my mom and died just a little over a year ago, appeared, but we were unable to save him. I have no idea why Scampers showed up in this dream, but it was so sad losing him again. I miss my buddy, although Kerwin's disposition reminds me a lot of him.