1) I would have carried a triple-headed dildo around instead of a bouquet. (Looks like all my florist drama was for nothing!)
2) As my friend Vince suggested, I would have had my guests all wear black leather.
3) I would have had a stripper pole instead of a dance floor.
4) I would have worn a bikini instead of a wedding dress like Pamela Anderson.
5) I would have hired a cuter videographer since I probably would've slipped away with him to the bridal room for a sexual romp right after the ceremony.
Confused? Well, here's all the explanation you need: I just found out our wedding videographer does another kind of videography.
It's only 7 in the morning, and I already need a drink. Cheers!