Faking It

I have a love/hate relationship with grad school. There have been days when I've left class completely inspired, ready to read, write, and study my little heart out, to discover the many meanings and nuances the world has to offer.

And then there are days like today.

I spent the whole evening in class hoping that my professor wouldn't ask my thoughts on anything. Why? Because I didn't really do the reading for class tonight, and I turned in a bunch of bullshit for my homework assignment. Speaking of homework assignments, I'd like to know why we, a class full of grad students, are getting those kind of assignments. It really annoys me, to be honest. It's kind of patronizing. We're not in high school. We're perfectly capable of doing the reading, and we don't really need someone checking in on us. Argh.

Anyway. The reason why I didn't really do the reading is because I've read and analyzed these poems before as an undergrad. While I love the poems, I also recognize that there is other work out there - stuff that wasn't written by dead white guys. I would love to go off into uncharted territory, but apparently it's not going to happen right now. Also, stupid ol' me thought I could just glance through the poems really quick and then scribble something out - yeah, right. It's so not that easy for a literature class, which, coincedentally, is one of the things I love about literature. It's also going to be my fucking downfall.

What all this really means is that I am really burned out. I used to be very academically driven and motivated, and now I find myself doing a half ass job. The old me wouldn't dream of going to class without having done the reading. The new me is constantly winging it. And I feel that I have to change my attitude or I just won't make it. Right now I don't feel like I can do this.

I thought about my thesis tonight and just wanted to cry. It all seems so impossible at this point. I have to reread all 11 books in the series, find a bajillion sources, develop a proposal, and then write the sumbitch. If I want to graduate in December 2008, then I really should get on it.

The hardest part about being in grad school is the constant feeling of being a phony. I know that I'm a person of above average intelligence. But as a scholar, I really doubt myself. I listen to people spouting off their answers in class and just feel really intimidated. I often don't say anything in class because I'm afraid of being "wrong," which is totally the opposite of me in the real world.

I guess what it all boils down to right now is that I've been faking it for two whole years now, and I just don't know if I can do it anymore.