Monday, October 1, 2007

Faking It

I have a love/hate relationship with grad school. There have been days when I've left class completely inspired, ready to read, write, and study my little heart out, to discover the many meanings and nuances the world has to offer.

And then there are days like today.

I spent the whole evening in class hoping that my professor wouldn't ask my thoughts on anything. Why? Because I didn't really do the reading for class tonight, and I turned in a bunch of bullshit for my homework assignment. Speaking of homework assignments, I'd like to know why we, a class full of grad students, are getting those kind of assignments. It really annoys me, to be honest. It's kind of patronizing. We're not in high school. We're perfectly capable of doing the reading, and we don't really need someone checking in on us. Argh.

Anyway. The reason why I didn't really do the reading is because I've read and analyzed these poems before as an undergrad. While I love the poems, I also recognize that there is other work out there - stuff that wasn't written by dead white guys. I would love to go off into uncharted territory, but apparently it's not going to happen right now. Also, stupid ol' me thought I could just glance through the poems really quick and then scribble something out - yeah, right. It's so not that easy for a literature class, which, coincedentally, is one of the things I love about literature. It's also going to be my fucking downfall.

What all this really means is that I am really burned out. I used to be very academically driven and motivated, and now I find myself doing a half ass job. The old me wouldn't dream of going to class without having done the reading. The new me is constantly winging it. And I feel that I have to change my attitude or I just won't make it. Right now I don't feel like I can do this.

I thought about my thesis tonight and just wanted to cry. It all seems so impossible at this point. I have to reread all 11 books in the series, find a bajillion sources, develop a proposal, and then write the sumbitch. If I want to graduate in December 2008, then I really should get on it.

The hardest part about being in grad school is the constant feeling of being a phony. I know that I'm a person of above average intelligence. But as a scholar, I really doubt myself. I listen to people spouting off their answers in class and just feel really intimidated. I often don't say anything in class because I'm afraid of being "wrong," which is totally the opposite of me in the real world.

I guess what it all boils down to right now is that I've been faking it for two whole years now, and I just don't know if I can do it anymore.


Discombobulated said...

Hmmm...I wonder if you are really faking it as much as changing what you value about your education. Maybe do not make comparisons with the "old you" but adpat and evolve with the "new you," that places importance on other things, in regards to education.

WeezerMonkey said...

Don't doubt! The people who speak the most in class usually know the least. THEY are the fakers!

A Real Librarian said...

I can totally relate - I was totally motivated when I started my masters program and now it's so hard to concentrate. I am also in a class that is making me feel like a phony - I mean, come on...Advanced Management, WTF was I thinking?!

Have faith in yourself, girl! You are doing a great job and will continue to do so!!! We are gonna rock the shiz outta grad school!

Rene Lacoste said...

Ummm...hello....firstly, my apologies for being out of the loop for so long...That part about being a fake...I guess its all about you rethinking your priorities, why you are pursuing this course, what were the reasons when you first joined it, and why they are relevant, or why they've become irrelevant. Shit...I sound so preachy :( I think thats because I just came out of a very similar difficult situation. Its all about putting your foot down once and for all...The world's an ass and thats it...