I wrote this list (below) yesterday after spending quite a few days in the throes of an anxiety so intense that there were times I felt that I was going to fall into small pieces of Leslie. We were waiting on the results of an important fertility test. Finally, yesterday afternoon I got the call from the restricted number that never fails to make my heart start pounding. It was the nurse practitioner at the fertility clinic letting us know that we had passed another test with flying colors. Roy and I were so ecstatic that we had a nice dinner out to celebrate. And then I added in #10 below.
There are more tests to come and more sleepless nights to live through, but for now, I am so grateful for the good results. Each test we go through is more and more nerve-racking, but if there's anyone that I want to be on this roller coaster ride with, it's Roy.
And now, my notes.
1) The waiting (for the tests to be performed, and for the results as well) is excruciating.
2) You spend a lot of time each day preparing for the news that could change your life forever.
3) You also spend a lot of time anticipating pregnancy announcements from people you know and trying to figure out ways to gracefully handle them.
4) You seem to be surrounded by babies, children, and mothers-to-be. If they aren't surrounding you in real life, they run rampant in the virtual world.
5) A story about kids in foster care can reduce you to tears in a matter of seconds.
6) You often wonder how you ended up here. You are healthy, educated, employed, and in possession of all the traits that would make one a good parent.
7) You have started to consider that conceiving a baby could cost thousands upon thousands of dollars.
8) You no longer wonder if you will get pregnant this month. Instead you wonder if you will get pregnant this year.
9) You begin to "come out" to more and more people about your issues, and you find that people are much more supportive than you expected them to be.
10) When you get the news that your husband's sperm analysis is normal, you feel like you won the lottery.
11) You begin to realize that the advice that people gave you before you got married, to marry the person you want to go through hell with, is actually very good advice. And then you realize that waiting for a diagnosis is more like purgatory than hell. And then you begin to wonder how bad it's going to get before it will get better.
12) For all your sorrows and frustrations, you know that someday it will all be worth it. Because if there's anything worth waiting for, it's your child.