2 Days: Almost a Bride

Today was incredible. It didn't start out that way. I got up early and immediately started working on various wedding related things. Then I left and ran quite a few errands, including picking up my new set of glasses! They look fabulous and definitely will be much more photo-friendly (less glare). Roy and I had lunch with his mother and then went back to work, trying to complete everything before rehearsal. Everything was very hectic, as we were trying to coordinate the schedules of nine different people.

But we made it up to the site, and all our stuff for the wedding made it as well. We went over the details with Tarin, our coordinator, and then ran through the ceremony. My brother Wade is officiating the ceremony, and I just know he's going to do an awesome job. I know this because I was crying tonight during the practice ceremony and especially during our practice vows. Yes, we said our vows, and truly, the whole world disappeared. After all the hustle and bustle, it all fell away, and all I could see was the face of the man that I am going to marry in less than 2 days. The intense emotion I felt was incredible. It was so incredible that I already know that the wedding is totally worth it. If we would have had our rings and signed the marriage license, Roy and I would have been officially married tonight.

We then went to Roy's mom's (Patty) house, and she and her partner Cherie had set up an incredible spread for our rehearsal dinner. A few weeks ago, we told Patty that we just weren't going to be able to pay to have the rehearsal dinner in a restaurant like we originally planned and asked her if she could think of any cheap alternatives. So, she decided to take on the entire project. She got the neighborhood involved too - several of our friends and neighbors cooked different dishes and then dropped them off. Their kindness and generosity amazes me. It was an amazing candlelit dinner on their back patio.

We also gave out all the presents we painstakingly selected for each member of our bridal party (and even some non-bridal party members). To all brides everywhere, I highly recommend getting each member of your bridal party something selected especially for each member, not all the same thing. The looks on everyone's faces and their reactions were priceless. Hugs all around, even from Roy's brother Jake, who, up until this point, has had a hard time making eye contact with me. I really love giving gifts, so this was a really high point of the night. Of course, there weren't any low points.

What can I say? I'm just so happy. And I am so ready to get married to Roy. The latter part of the day totally put everything in perspective for me. Wow, what an incredible journey this has been.

Here are some photos:


Wade (my brother) and me



My mom, me, and my soon-to-be niece, Gwen. She has called me Aunt Leslie for a long time though.



Me and Patty (Roy's mom). I look evil in this pic. I think it's the eyebrow.



Paul (usher) and Mandy (woman of honor)



The table set-up. It was very intimate and personal.



I love the random psycho faces that Roy makes. And people think he's shy!



Look, I can make psycho faces too! And you can actually see my eyes!



Wade with his Angelina Jolie lips. All he has to do is adopt about 10 kids from third world countries and then he can steal her identity.



The bride and groom. We were drinking Dr. Pepper out of champagne flutes that both said "bride" on them. They were from when Patty and Cherie went to San Francisco to get married. I love how my soon-to-be husband's masculinity isn't threatened by drinking out of a "bride" champagne glass. :)



My mom and I at rehearsal. My uncle's in the background. Nice bouquet, eh?



Mandy, my almost seester. Hey, she stole my bouquet.



Jake, my almost brother, who did not steal my bouquet.



At rehearsal.



All of us at the end of rehearsal. What a fabulous bouquet I'm carrying.

3 Days: Speed-Racer Bride

A surefire way to throw a kink into the many last minute errands that a bride must do is to add her family to the mix. I was so happy to see my family today, and we had a great time, but I definitely did not accomplish all I needed to. I did, however, drive quite a bit. From the start of the day to the end of it, I felt like someone shot me up with adrenaline. Sooner or later, I will crash and burn.

And I am way too tired to write any more.

4 Days: Zen Bride

Today was my last day of work. I managed to address everything work-related that was pending and make sure my desk was clean. I hate leaving for even a short period of time and coming back to a messy area.

I got our programs, bookmarks, and annoucements in the mail today. Everything turned out beautifully. Tonight Mandy and I tied all the programs to the fans, and then once I got home, I addressed and stamped all the announcements. It felt good accomplishing things, though there is still more to be done.

I have finally reached the point where I don't feel very stressed. Someone described it to me like this: this whole time, I've been building momentum, and now I'm riding it out, and it will carry me through the wedding day. I certainly hope so, but at the same time, I hope to be fully present all day long.

Our apartment is a mess, and Roy isn't feeling well, so I'm up early tomorrow to clean before picking up my family from the airport. Here's my to-do list for tomorrow, in no particular order:

Pick up family
Buy flowers for centerpieces
Clean apartment
Shop for honeymoon
Pack
Buy more picture frames
Balance checkbook
Get more or less organized
Pay bills
Make signs
Pick up my new glasses
Make place cards
Prepare my little speech/toast
Make info packets for family and bridal party
Wrap bridal party and parent gifts and write out cards

Okay, so I probably won't get all that done tomorrow, but I do think it's doable. I will have people helping, so that will help me out a bunch. But yeah, it definitely helps that I feel calm.

5 Days: Grateful Bride

Over the course of planning my wedding, I've complained a lot...and with good reason. Unfortunately, weddings tend to bring out the worst in people.

Fortunately for brides everywhere, weddings also bring out the best in people. Today I got direct evidence of that. When I got home, I almost immediately began making dinner when Roy said, "Oh yeah, we got a box in the mail today." (Leave it to a guy to not bring that up first thing!) Anyway, I tore open the box and found a gift from someone very unexpected. (This person shall remain nameless for the time being.) All I could say was "Wow." I felt this surge of emotion at this kind gesture by someone so discreet. I was very surprised, to say the least...and also very touched.

It feels strange to say that some of the people who have supported me the most through this process of marriage are people that I didn't even know when I got engaged. People like Melinda, Myra, Kristy, the IE knotties, and this person who shall remain nameless. You know who you are. To all of you, I just have to say thank you. I am so grateful to have shared this time with you.

6 Days: Awake Bride

It is technically 5 days until the wedding, because it's past midnight, but I missed writing for the 6th day, so here I am. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling pretty crappy. I went to go get my dress - it looks great! Then I came home, climbed into bed, and pretty much stayed there. I slept some and also watched quite a few episodes of one of my favorite shows, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The idea is to not get sick if I can help it. As of right now, I am feeling better than I was when I woke up yesterday morning, but I did develop a bad headache later on in the day, and it's still around. I'm not sure what to think about that, except that I could probably use a good massage. I have a regular massage therapist, and I'm going to give him a call to see if he can fit me in before Saturday.

I actually started packing for the night before the wedding, the wedding itself, the wedding night, and the honeymoon. It may seem silly, but I'm staying in a hotel alone the night before the wedding. I think I may hang out with my family some, because I never get to see them, but otherwise I would like to devote the night to some serious reflection. This is always what I do before a major event happens in my life. I remember sitting in my bed in my old room the last night I was alone before Roy and I moved in together. I wrote in my journal and made note of how my life was not going to be the same once we moved in together. Then again, ever since Roy came into my life, nothing has been the same. He truly turned my world upside down from the get-go. I expect no less in marrying him.

I have gotten to the point where I am more excited than anything. At this point, I don't feel anxious or stressed, although I think my body is. I am so excited to have my mom walk me down the aisle to Roy. I get chills thinking about it, and I hope I'm not blowing it out of proportion in my mind. You know, like when people expect so much from a certain event that they end up being let down (i.e., losing one's virginity).

I only have two days of work left! I don't know how I'm going to make it through them as I am so incredibly unfocused on anything outside of Weddingland. After that, my family flies into town, and then it will get chaotic. Bring on the chaos, I say. After the past 14 months of chaos and drama, I can handle a few more days.

7 Days: Relaxed Bride

Today was really great. I went to Glen Ivy Hot Springs with Mandy, who is Roy's sister and my wonderful Woman of Honor, and my friend Myra. We swam, laid out (in the shade), sat in the steam room, sat in the hot tub, and played with mud. By the time we left, I felt so relaxed and very sleepy. We grabbed lunch at a little Mexican restaurant nearby and then walked around this little craft fair. After that, we came home, and I took a nap. I thought it was a very satisfying end to my bachelorette day.

But then my friend Melinda texted me and then she came over and picked me up. We went to a nearby bar and had a few drinks. A rockin' band was playing, and we couldn't hear each other talking, so we wrote notes back and forth. It was rather appropriate considering our friendship began online and through typed emails.

I was home a little after 10 PM, and Roy was home from his bachelor party by then. I think it's pretty interesting that we are so old that we get home from our bachelor/bachelorette parties by 10 PM.

Something else: I wore the bikini I bought last night and didn't feel self-conscious all day. There were so many different body types there at Glen Ivy that I couldn't have easily felt self-conscious. Plus, it is an entirely different story when you're not in a dressing room under flourescent lighting.

So, today was really affirming in many ways. A new way of looking at my body, good times with good friends, and more time to bond with my new sister. Thanks for the great day, ladies. :)

8 Days: Self-Conscious Bride

I often wonder if the lighting in dressing rooms is designed to purposely make people feel bad about their bodies. Tonight Roy and I went shopping to find a bathing suit for me. I found out very late that I need a bathing suit to go to the spa tomorrow. I haven't owned a bathing suit in years, because I avoid the sun as much as possible in the summertime. It was truly not a fun sight seeing myself in the different bathing suits I tried on. It actually made me a little weepy.

The strange thing is I haven't gained a pound. But I apparently have lost muscle and gained quite a bit of cellulite in its place. I made the effort to work out to get in better shape, but most of the time I have chosen not to go to my yoga class over actually going to it simply because of the nature of it. It's hot yoga, and every class leaves me completely useless afterward. That's fine if you're not planning a wedding. But I've had to skip classes just so I don't collapse afterwards.

If I could tell any bride one thing, it would be this: don't beat yourself up over your body the way I'm currently doing. It just isn't going to do you any good to pick apart your flaws. I wish that I would listen to my own advice, but unfortunately, whenever I look into the mirror, all I see is a very physically flawed bride looking uncertainly back at me.

9 Days: Shopaholic Bride

Now that the planning is winding down, I have some major shopping to do. I haven't bought new clothes in what feels like forever, so I went out with my friend Myra to do some shopping after work. I would just like to say that normally I hate shopping with other people, but Myra and I shop well together. We move at the same pace, and of course, many jokes are made. Anyway, I can't buy too much, being as we're broke and all, but I thought it'd be nice to have some new things for the honeymoon and after.

In other wedding related news, our presents for our mothers and my main present for Roy came in today, and they (photo albums) all look beautiful. Also, we received a wedding present from my uncle Charles, who always gives the best gifts. He is really into art, so we got some hand-carved nesting boxes. I think that's what they're called anyway. One box fits into another box which fits into another. Very cool.

There are more things to be done, but I will get to them as I can over the next week or so. I can't believe that our wedding is almost here. It feels both surreal and very real at the same time. I am more excited than worried, and I thought I would never get to this point. Whatever happens, happens. At the end of the day, I will be married to my very best friend.

10 Days: Bed-ridden Bride

I spent a good portion of the day in bed with a nasty headache. I have scoliosis and am more likely to experience tension in my neck and shoulders, especially when I'm stressed. Sometimes this leads to tension headaches, which I got today. It was absolutely no fun. It only went away once I took a muscle relaxer, which knocked me out for a few hours.

So, nothing done on the wedding today. Oh well. We are so close to being done that missing one day isn't going to kill us. Most of the projects that are left are very small ones. I did realize that my family will be flying in a week from today. I'm getting nervous about having them here, even though they've been to visit before. I don't see myself as much of an entertainer, and our apartment certainly isn't conducive to it either. I spoke to Roy's mom about it and she told me we could do meals at her house, which is awesome. Another great thing she is doing is having her friends set up our rehearsal dinner at their house, and we will not have to worry about a thing. I am very happy about that, as this rehearsal dinner issue has been hanging over my head for quite some time now.

In other news, happy birthday, USA. And I am reading a fantastic book. More on that some other time.

11 Days: Disappointed Bride

I have to constantly tell myself that my wedding is not as important to others as it is to me. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't work, I am always reminded of that fact again....the hard way.

12 Days: Bride of Few Words

Today I received the CD of our engagement pictures. I know I posted some earlier on, but there are some awesome pics that our photographer took that she didn't originally post on her blog.







We are so lucky to have found her. She really does amazing work.

This is all for tonight. I'm running out of things to say. There's only so much you can say about a wedding, and honestly, my life revolves around that right now.

13 Days: Good Time Party Girl Bride

Today I witnessed an incredible event. I saw the bottom of our hamper for the first time in probably about 2 months! We have been doing enough laundry to just get by, but now all our clothes are clean. Is it wrong that this excites me?

Today I got to escape from being a bride, for a few hours at least. I went to my friend Melinda's bridal shower. My shower was truly an awesome experience for me, and I hope hers was just as wonderful for her. It was a really fun shower, and the food was good too. Here are some highlights:


The food.



The bride with her awesome veil.



Melinda showing off her inherited china. Very beautiful, if I do say so myself.



I just love this one. Her expression is priceless!



Melinda and her bridesmaids.



Melinda and Alyson, who made the rehearsal bouquet.



The bride and the bride. Yes, that's the same outfit I wore to my work shower. I did wash it though.


Oh, and I would like to add that I won the who-knows-the-bride-the-best game. I also got her the naughtiest present, hands down.

People who think that bridal showers are about gifts are wrong. I remember how I felt at my shower: just genuinely happy and loved. It is the most awesome feeling to be surrouded by people who love you. Best wishes to Melinda, aka the Worm!

14 Days: Consumed Bride

Wow, today went by so fast! I hardly slept a wink last night, so I was really dragging today. Still, I managed to get a ton of stuff done, including:

Picking up raffia fans (thanks, Reynalin!)
My second dress fitting
Picking up reception flip flops (thanks, Sher!)
Buying the rest of the presents for the bridal party
Finishing my present for my soon-to-be husband

I am consumed with things to do. Everything else waits to be done: dishes, laundry, grocery shopping. Roy has agreed to pick up the slack on those things since I'm the one primarily dealing with the wedding.

And now for pictures from my work shower on June 28th!


I'm getting gas just looking at the food.



My standard pose.



Boring and predictable me.



Me and the other queen of random.



The guests of honor.



Myra and I at DSW.

15 Days: Busy Bride

I missed blogging yesterday because I decided to be Drunk Bride after work. I definitely don't regret it - I had a great time with some friends of mine. Well worth the small headache I had this morning. It was nice checking out of Wedding Land for awhile and just being a regular person again.

This upcoming weekend promises to be very busy. I only have two weekends left to get this thing done before the big day. Two weeks from now, it will be the eve of my wedding. I have no idea how I will be feeling. Hopefully calm and relaxed.

I am getting new glasses for the wedding. I want some non-obstrusive frames as well as glare-resistant lenses. I picked out my new frames today:



It's not the greatest or most flattering picture of me, but I took it myself with my cell phone camera. I was hoping that this would be the time that I would graduate to women's frames, but no such luck. I had to buy kid's frames yet again. Oh well, at least they're Garfield frames. :)

So much to say! I had my hair trial, which turned out well. She tried my hair both up and then half up/half down. I'm going to go for a half up/half down style but not necessarily the same way she styled it. Here are some highlights:







You'll have to excuse my friend Barnaby (the pimple); he decided to come visit for a few days at just the right time. I told him he has to stay away until after the wedding.

Good night!

17 Days: Bipolar Bride

I still need some good mood stabilizers! It's been quite a few years since I've been this emotional. I go from feeling happy to hopeless within a few minutes sometimes. I feel very alienated and estranged from the old me. I wish that I could just relax and enjoy what I know is this very special time. Unfortunately, there is too much to do and not enough hours in the day. I'm still not sleeping well and am still feeling like a zombie for much of the day. I guess I'm getting tired of making all the decisions. It's funny how everyone looks to the bride for the decision-making, and I am tired of having that responsibility.

I know, I know. Cry me a river, right? I think I would be much more positive if I were sleeping better. It's amazing what a good night's sleep will do for one's attitude. Tomorrow I fully intend on at least acting happier and looking fresh. It's my work shower, and we're having a taco bar, along with ice cream, cookies, etc. Roy is even coming to meet the whole department. I'm excited. The pre-wedding parties make it all worthwhile. I mean, they make me remember what this is all about. It's so easy to get bogged down in the details. I do think that details are important, especially with an event like a wedding. A wedding should reflect the couple and their values, not be some cookie-cutter mold. I have obsessively tried to make this wedding reflect us, and I get frustrated when others don't cooperate. I shouldn't stress out over things I can't control, but right now, I still do have a measure of control. Once the wedding day gets here, it's out of my hands.

Speaking of that, I feel both extremely ready for the day to be here and at the same time I feel like I need more time. It is a strange, ambivalent road I'm on.

18 Days: Nazi Bride

Forgive me, but like any good bride to be, I'm gonna rant a bit. I've always been a person who's prompt with responses, so it's hard for me to grasp how people can just blatantly ignore an RSVP due date. Our due date was almost two weeks ago, and we still have people who have not RSVPed. I know that people have lives, but I have a final headcount due date as well!

Here's another thing that annoys me: people who say "Yeah, I'm gonna come to your wedding" and then once it's time for a confirmed answer, they say they can't come. I understand people not being able to make it, but why'd they say they were going to be there? Why so casual about it? Why not just be honest and say, "I'll try to make it"?

So here are today's wedding related accomplishments so far:

Ordered the rest of the fans for the ceremony.
Made a list of duties for each member of the bridal party (I know that makes me sound like a Nazi - see today's blog title).
Wrote a huge chunk of my vendor review of my florists - so much has been going on with them that I decided to start it before the wedding in order to keep track of all the details (again, see today's blog title).
Worked on Roy's wedding present (a project in the making for quite a long while).
Went to second hair trial (will post pics once I get them).

Oh, I also washed most of the dishes that had been collecting in the sink for about a week. I so used to be cleaner until I got bride brain. This morning I managed to leave the house without either my veil or my camera.

Anyway, today's post - yep, it's rather boring. Oh well. I think I might become more of an interesting person once I'm done planning this wedding.

19 Days: Tired Bride

Wow, what a day. I basically went to work, did a little shopping, and came home, but all that took so much energy. I feel completely drained. It's not even 9 PM yet, and I'm completely ready for bed. I think I'm going to head off soon, because the earlier I get to work tomorrow, the better. Tomorrow I'm going to have my second hair trial since the first one fell, and I have to leave work early to do it. Here are some pics from my first trial (I had my makeup done too):







I look like a bride, yes? After all these months, I finally felt like a bride when I had my hair and makeup done. It's unfortunate that we associate being a bride with being a vision of beauty. I mean, brides are so much more than objects of beauty. They are amazing women going through an amazing transformation. They are mythical creatures walking the path of the archetypal maiden. They are strong women in the midst of creating a union that will last them for the rest of their lives.

That's just my theory anyway. I'm too tired to back it up with any hard evidence though, so take it or leave it.

20 Days: Insomniac Bride

So my plan is to blog every day from now until the wedding. I'd like to blog on the morning of the wedding too, but I won't really have access to a computer, I don't think.

This morning I woke up extremely early thinking about flowers. I'm one of those people whose stress shows up in the form of insomnia. I think it's been about a month now that I've been worried and concerned about flowers - actually, I've been worried about my florists' ability to produce what I want. Take, for instance, the bouquet that is the inspiration for mine:



Basically I just want the wildflower look, so we changed around some of the flowers in the above bouquet in favor of flowers in our color scheme or flowers that will last longer. The florists made me a sample bouquet. They did tell me that it wouldn't be exactly like I wanted, but still I wasn't prepared for what I did receive, which I almost immediately dubbed "the offending bouquet":





If I wasn't already stressed out enough due to our communication issues, the offending bouquet made me close to being frantic. So I told my coordinator about it, and she said she would handle it. Almost immediately, the whole issue left my mind.

Until yesterday. Roy and I, our coordinator, and the florists all met at our venue to talk decorations. We got it all figured out, and when we were leaving, we mentioned our plans (made ahead of time, mind you) to go to a flower wholesaler so we could all get a visual of what I want and expect. One of the florists had no clue about the trip to the wholesaler. I had no idea why she didn't know because my coordinator is the one who set the whole thing up. I spoke with my coordinator, and we figured out that she had told one of them about the trip, but that the information was not passed on to the other one. Talk about communication issues!

Once we reached the flower wholesaler, I told my florists that I needed another sample bouquet, and they were visibly annoyed with me. I thought telling them this had been handled already, thereby saving me from confrontation, which I hate with a passion even though I know it's necessary sometimes. I actually felt bad for being "high maintenance," but the fact of the matter is, the offending bouquet is called that for a reason. In situations like these, my stupid Catholic guilt and doormat tendencies set in, and I often feel bad or guilty for asking for something that I rightfully deserve. It's definitely a handicap.

So this is where my insomnia came from, this little instance of confrontation with my florists, who were annoyed with me for asking them to do their job, and my feeling bad for it because of my stupid guilt complex. I was able to get back to bed after awhile though. And once again, when I woke up, I had another shock come to me from the world of flowers: an invoice for $710.00 through email from the offending florists, who didn't bother to tell me that the place they buy organza from charges $8.00/yard. They had estimated that I would need 75 yards for the decorations we had decided. That adds up to $606.00 just for fabric. I was shocked at the thought of adding that huge amount to our already huge amount owed to other various vendors, not to mention appalled (but certainly not surprised) at their decision to not communicate the high price of organza to me.

Long story short: If we weren't 3 weeks from the wedding, these ladies, sweet as they are, would be so fired. Their inability to communicate well (or at all) might be funny to me if it didn't affect me.

My coordinator assures me that everything will be fine. She's getting me the organza for $2.50/yard, which saves us a ton of money. And I really can't believe that I devoted an entire blog to flowers, because I know the day after the wedding that the flowers will not matter anymore. Unfortunately, they matter now. Hence, the blabbering blog about day 20.

This just makes me happy.

Nothing like a good game of human Tetris to start out the day.

Some Engagement Photos

Our incredibly talented photograher Crissy took these awesome shots of us. These are just a few of the teasers, but there are more to come later.

3 Weeks

It's been quite awhile since I last blogged, but I've been busy. Of course, it's been primarily wedding stuff that has been keeping me busy. I finally finished my last paper of the quarter, which has left me a lot of time to catch up on the wedding.

As usual, I have mixed feelings about this road I'm traveling. Of course I'm happy to be marrying my best friend in 3 short weeks, but with every bit of happiness I feel, it seems like there is a piece of sadness that accompanies it. I've also reached a point of exhaustion where it doesn't feel like my mind is working correctly. And I've stopped having such an opinion about things and answer quite a few questions with the classic "I don't know." That last bit makes me suspect the worst: I'm turning into my future husband! He's definitely not a bad guy, but I definitely don't want to be him. (Mostly because that means I would be marrying myself.)

So, 3 weeks from now our reception will be winding down (according to timeline). We will be married. It sounds so strange to say that even after over a year of preparation. A huge part of me is so ready for this, but there's this small part inside of me that whispers, "What if you fail?" We have often talked about our fears of marriage, and one thing I am scared of is that we will wake up one day 20 years from now and won't even know each other anymore. It is up to both of us to try to be vigilant and try to make sure that doesn't happen.

If only I knew then what I know now. I would've told anyone that all of my oldest friends (all still in Texas) would be at my wedding. Now none of them are coming. I am starting a new chapter in my life without some huge pieces of my own personal history. I don't know how to feel about that, except that I'm trying to accept it. It's no one's fault. But that doesn't mean that I like it.

I have been the queen of mood swings lately. I just want someone to hand me some Prozac so I can feel a little more in control of my emotions. But at the same time I don't want to ever lose this feeling of being completely alive and completely in touch with what I feel. Despite the stressful experiences with vendors, friends, and family, I am so happy to have gone on this journey. It's a journey that so many women go on, and it carries with it all kinds of implications. One of these is that this is the final step into adulthood. There is no turning back now. It's all kids, work, and maintaining a home from here on out. Or that's the myth we buy into, anyway.

Me - I just want to stay young and just stay myself. I've found someone who will let me do that. I've found someone I want to walk the path with. In 3 weeks, I will attest to this in front of our nearest and dearest. All of my preparation will come down to that one statement of "I do."

Baby Landlord

40 Days

I spoke to a particularly enlightening person today about what it means to get married. With 40 days left to go, the wedding is falling into place like I never thought it would. Things that I could never envision before are now clear in my mind and will become a reality on July 14. I have said over and over throughout this process that it's been hard because of the whole "bride" persona. I have been taken over by that persona and sometimes feel I have lost myself in the process. Dishes lay dirty in the sink for days at a time. The laundry piles up. Emails remain unread and unanswered. I am a very anal and obsessive person, and I have had to let all that go and give in to the chaos that is wedding planning. But it's so much more than that: it's MARRIAGE planning. I keep saying that I want my life back, but I keep forgetting that my life probably won't ever be the same again. In 40 days it won't just be my life. It'll be OUR life. Sometimes that scares me. Sometimes I'm elated. But always I am awestruck at the strange way that life can surprise me and how I have changed in ways I never would have foreseen.

This is the first picture Roy and I ever took together, at the end of April 2005. We were at a party, and everything was shiny and new. A little over two years later, the shiny part has mostly worn off and left behind a deep, deep love in its place. I have no idea what I was thinking in this picture, but I look happy. This is something that I want to hold onto forever, for better or for worse.

A good way to start the weekend

Sleepwalking

Due to my insomniac tendencies, I haven't slept very well all week. Last night I actually got up and out of bed instead of staying in place and trying to wish myself back to sleep. So today I have been sleepwalking. In a desperate attempt to keep myself awake, I have eaten about three Fruit Roll-Ups since lunch. They have Spiderman 3 tattoos on them. When I walk down the halls of the office, I feel like I am in a gigantic hazy labyrinth.

This picture from WeeklyShot shows how I feel, only much more poetically. Thank the gods for the visionaries.

Charlatans and the Mob Mentality

Why do we need someone to tell us how we feel? Why do people fall for a leader's ideals instead of forming their own? Does it take a certain personality to engage in groupthink, or are we all susceptible to it?

Should Susan Atkins, one of most ruthless of the Manson family, get out of prison? She is supposedly a born again Christian. Does that matter? Has she exchanged one type of mob mentality for another? In other words, does she really consider herself a Christian, or did she get sucked in and brainwashed like she did as a member of the Manson family?

In no way do I mean to suggest that Christianity is the same thing as the fucked-upedness that is the Manson family. But you have to wonder.

Right?

Communication, or the lack thereof

When there's no communication, even the once strongest of relationships is destined to fail. Lately I've been thinking about how people communicate. It's rarely straightforward. We usually deliver our wants and needs thinly disguised as requests or something else that's considered more polite and less demanding.

This isn't a hidden message about the state of my relationship with Roy, but like every relationship in the world, it's not perfect and could always be improved upon. No, this is more about the professional relationships I have.

You can say anything you want to as long as you say it well. As a food server, I learned the art of saying what I needed to say for my mental health and sanity. I realized that I could insult anyone as long as I insulted them without them realizing they were being insulted. I don't necessarily enjoy insulting people, but in the precarious (and largely powerless) position I was always in, sometimes I needed that power.

I've been having major issues with one of my wedding vendors, and the main reason for it is poor communication between us. I just sent an email to them detailing exactly what I need from them. Hopefully this will resolve the problem, and I can breathe a little bit.

But not yet. This is why I am here at 4:15 in the morning. True to form, when I am stressed or worried, my insomnia flares up. I cannot wait until my wedding brain turns back into my normal brain.

Indifference

It's been said that indifference is worse than hatred. I tend to agree.

But indifference can be approached another way. Indifference can be used to describe the zen-like state of egolessness. Egolessness - is that even a word?

We, as humans, tend to care too much or not at all. This is such polarizing behavior that it is possibly damaging to us. If we were to try to change and become more (positively) indifferent, would it be a good thing? Or would we be going against our true nature?

It's hard to say. We can't divorce ourselves from our culture. To pretend that we are actually individuals is perpetuating a myth.

Catapalooza!

Our backyard is crawling with cats right now. Normally we already have quite a few adult strays hanging around, but once every few months, one of them gives birth to little stray kittens. As cute as the kittens are, it's sad to watch them at times. They tend to hang out behind our long row of trash cans, and there are unsafe objects there, like nails sticking straight up out of boards. Inevitably, at least one of the kittens has one of its eyes stuck shut because of the crappy conditions it has to live in. With the last batch of kittens, Roy and I cleaned out the eye of one of the kittens with a damp washcloth, and a massive amount of pus came pouring out. The kitten's eye was okay after that, though.

Then there are the cats who hang out on the porch of our house. One of them, who we call The Whiner, is tame enough to let us pet him but demanding enough to whine for food all the time. The other is a tiny, shy black cat who doesn't let us get near him but will accept the food we leave for them. It's so sad to see these too remain constantly hungry - and skinny. But they have a better life than most strays.

Seeing animals in need is why I will never buy a purebred dog or cat from a pet store. I will always root for the underdog (or undercat, as the case may be). We got our cat Ashe from PetsMart. She was brought in by the Humane Society - they had rescued her from death row at the pound. Our other cat Kerwin was stuck up in a tree one day, and we rescued him. He had obviously belonged to someone before but had been on his own for awhile. I am so happy that we were able to give these guys a home. I only wish we could do it for all the strays of the world.

This is Ashe (Woogas) the night we rescued her.

This is Kerwin a couple of days after we saved him from the tree.

Cat Fight!

My friend sent me this video; it's too funny. The cats in it resemble my cats, so it makes it even funnier for me.

Good riddance, Rev. Falwell!

I suppose this is very un-PC of me, but I'm glad that Jerry Falwell has left this life and probably moved on to the fiery pits of hell. Actually, I don't really believe in hell, but if there is one, I think he's probably there.

The rhetoric of weddings

One year ago exactly was the eve of Roy's official proposal. I did not know then what this proposal and subsequent engagement would do to me and my life. Ever since then, I have become a wedding planning fiend. I have nightmares about guests showing up early and expecting to be entertained right then. I wake up distressing over flowers. I have spent almost a year obsessing over details - from centerpieces to programs to the "problem" of being a bride in glasses.

I have become convinced that the wedding industry is poison that slowly seeps into the veins of the most practical woman and makes her into some sort of monster bride. It certainly has happened to me. I never daydreamed about my wedding, because weddings aren't my thing. Deep down I didn't ever really think I would get married. Once Roy put the ring on my finger, all bets were off. I almost immediately became connected with The Knot, one of the most popular wedding websites around. The Knot has been both a blessing and a curse. I have come to know some fabulous women and have had the opportunity to really personalize my wedding. However, being a member of The Knot has also made me extremely competitive in a way I never was before. I have become obsessed with having the most beautiful wedding, even though I know it's not the wedding that matters. I truly know this. And yet still I plan, and still I obsess. It isn't healthy, but maybe, just maybe, it's necessary.

I think that, as hard as this year has been, I would not have changed a thing. Sure, we could have put a down payment on a house with the money we are using to pay for the wedding, but at the same time, I am walking through this rite of passage the best (and only) way I know how. At the other end of the tunnel will be Roy, my beautiful groom and the love of my life. Beyond the dress, the invitations, the flowers, the music, and the food - beyond all this is love. Love is what has brought us to this point, and love is what will remain long after the flowers have wilted away.

Dance Envy

Roy and I have taken some West Coast Swing lessons, but we are nowhere near as good as the couple in this video. I swear I have watched this video about 5 times back to back, just marveling at the comfort level of this couple. It's pretty amazing.

Land of the Dead

I've been holed up in our apartment since about 4:30 PM Wednesday. I have not gone outside once. I suppose that the stress finally caught up with me in the form of canker sores, a cold, and finally, some really nasty cold sores. Okay, so the canker sores have been nasty too, not to mention extremely painful. I have taken many long naps, watched endless episodes of Buffy and Life Goes On (and a few movies too), and reread some of the Harry Potter books. The break has been nice, but meanwhile, time marches on without me. Which means that I am behind in school, my job, and wedding planning goals. This also means that I have no more sick time left at work, and I'm working on using up my vacation time as well. I don't call lying in bed blowing my nose and rinsing my mouth out with salt water a vacation.

So today I decided to try to do a bit of productive things. I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen a bit. Then I got tired and took a nap. Then I watched a couple of episodes of Buffy. I am hoping that tomorrow I will venture out to the grocery store, and that on Monday I will venture back to work. Being sick and alone for several days has made me crave the world again. I'm anxious to get back to it.

Dick in a box

I think it would be fun to have a "dick in a box" themed bachelorette party.

Loser, party of one

There is nothing quite so humiliating as being in front of the classroom and giving an embarassingly shitty presentation. That was me a mere 6 hours ago. I was very unprepared. I had spent most of my time on a different project, and boy, did my lack of preparation for my presentation show. To make matters worse, I spent most of yesterday in pain due to the root canal/mouth ulcer/extremely cracked lips factors and hadn't slept well the night before.

Anyway, even sitting there at the front of the room, I was *this* close to bursting into tears. My professor isn't one to hide what she is feeling or thinking, and so that made it slightly easier not having to pretend that I knew what I was talking about. I pretty much sat there and realized that my powers of bullshitting had failed me. Too much damn pain meds.

Afterwards, I called my fiance and brother and cried to both of them. I came home, ate some macaroni and cheese, and watched an episode of Buffy. I realized how tragic and doomed Buffy and Angel's relationship was/is, and yet how perfect they were for each other. The Romeo and Juliet of the supernatural world. A shitty presentation pales in comparison to the tragedy of the slayer-vampire love dynamic.

Why did the Californian cross the street, right in the middle of it, instead of using the crosswalk?

Because he's a dumbass, that's why.

Seriously. I went out for lunch and almost ran over 3 people in the 5 minute drive from my work. These were people who decided they had to cross the busiest street at noon without using the crosswalk. Or people who didn't see any traffic coming and then meandered across without a care in the world.

Many people in California are stupid and lazy. Let's hope these people don't have children. I say that this particular stupidity gene should end with our generation.

Fun with Root Canals!

I hardly slept at all last night. I had a root canal two days ago that was pretty brutal. Oddly enough, it's not the pain from the root canal itself that is bothering me. My mouth was stretched open so wide that my lips are cracked in the corners. And I have a huge, painful mouth ulcer where my cheek/upper lip meets my gums. It's a great way to start this Tuesday.