It's been quite awhile since I last blogged, but I've been busy. Of course, it's been primarily wedding stuff that has been keeping me busy. I finally finished my last paper of the quarter, which has left me a lot of time to catch up on the wedding.
As usual, I have mixed feelings about this road I'm traveling. Of course I'm happy to be marrying my best friend in 3 short weeks, but with every bit of happiness I feel, it seems like there is a piece of sadness that accompanies it. I've also reached a point of exhaustion where it doesn't feel like my mind is working correctly. And I've stopped having such an opinion about things and answer quite a few questions with the classic "I don't know." That last bit makes me suspect the worst: I'm turning into my future husband! He's definitely not a bad guy, but I definitely don't want to be him. (Mostly because that means I would be marrying myself.)
So, 3 weeks from now our reception will be winding down (according to timeline). We will be married. It sounds so strange to say that even after over a year of preparation. A huge part of me is so ready for this, but there's this small part inside of me that whispers, "What if you fail?" We have often talked about our fears of marriage, and one thing I am scared of is that we will wake up one day 20 years from now and won't even know each other anymore. It is up to both of us to try to be vigilant and try to make sure that doesn't happen.
If only I knew then what I know now. I would've told anyone that all of my oldest friends (all still in Texas) would be at my wedding. Now none of them are coming. I am starting a new chapter in my life without some huge pieces of my own personal history. I don't know how to feel about that, except that I'm trying to accept it. It's no one's fault. But that doesn't mean that I like it.
I have been the queen of mood swings lately. I just want someone to hand me some Prozac so I can feel a little more in control of my emotions. But at the same time I don't want to ever lose this feeling of being completely alive and completely in touch with what I feel. Despite the stressful experiences with vendors, friends, and family, I am so happy to have gone on this journey. It's a journey that so many women go on, and it carries with it all kinds of implications. One of these is that this is the final step into adulthood. There is no turning back now. It's all kids, work, and maintaining a home from here on out. Or that's the myth we buy into, anyway.
Me - I just want to stay young and just stay myself. I've found someone who will let me do that. I've found someone I want to walk the path with. In 3 weeks, I will attest to this in front of our nearest and dearest. All of my preparation will come down to that one statement of "I do."