Thursday, August 14, 2008
Little Missus in the Hall of Judgment: A Play in Ten Acts
ACT I. May 14, 2006.
Long Suffering Roy (LSR): Leslie, you are the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Even more beautiful than Angelina Jolie. Will you marry me?
Obsessive Compulsive Leslie (OCL): Absofuckinlutely I think we should get married outside and I want you to wear a grey suit and I want to wear a long flowy dress and I want to keep the wedding small and simple do you want to go check out possible wedding sites tomorrow?
LSR: Um, okay.
ACT II. Fall 2006.
OCL: I am a feminist. I have decided to make you pay for the past sins that you crazy lot of males have committed against females. I now refuse to take your name when we get married because I think it is totally unfair and inconvenient to me. I sentence you to a name change. And then I will change my name to your new name because I'm trying to be all innovative and stuff.
OCL: Huzzah! Victory is mine.
ACT III. June/July 2007.
LSR: I have decided to wait until the last possible minute to change my name because I am bound and determined to inconvenience you, even though we are picking up the marriage license tomorrow.
OCL: Why are our florists so fucking stupid? And why do I have the feeling that something is going to go wrong with our videographer?
LSR: So, about the name change...
OCL: Can we talk about this later? Maybe at a time when I'm not too busy trying not to throw myself out the window?
ACT IV. July 14, 2007.
OCL: Yay, we're married!
LSR: Wanna have sex?
OCL: Please, I'm done with all that. Must bake pies instead.
ACT V. August 8, 2007.
LSR: Your Honor, may it please the court....
Really Stern Judge: Stop that useless drivel, sonny boy. I accept your petition to change your name.
LSR: Hellz yeah!
ACT VI. January 2008.
OCL: I think I'll finally get off my lazy and procrastinating ass and go to the Social Security office to change my name today!
Social Security Clerk: Sorry, we can't do anything. Your marriage license has your husband's old name on it, so we can't change your name to his new one. You'll have to get the marriage license amended. Frankly, it's a stupid name if you ask me. Are you sure you don't want to keep the name you have now?
OCL: Screw you, lady. I guess I'll go to the County Recorder's office and raise hell.
Stupid County Employee: Sorry, I am a useless county employee, and I can't help you at all. As a matter of fact, my brain hurts on a daily basis just from trying to tie my shoes. But if you call the State, they can talk to you about amending your marriage license.
OCL: Okie dokie, I guess I'll call the state office and raise hell.
Stupid Voice Mail: Hi, thanks for calling the totally incompetent state department of incompetency. Please leave a message and we will be sure to never get back to you.
OCL: Hi, I'm OCL. Call me back, yo. Make sure that you don't send me an amendment package, because that would just be too damn easy.
ACT VII. April 2008.
OCL: Dang, I'm tired of waiting for the amendment package from the totally incompetent state department of incompetency. I'm going back to talk to another useless county employee.
Slightly Less Useless County Employee: Okay, here's everything you need to do to get your license amended.
OCL: I think I'm going to just sit on this for a couple of months because that's how I roll.
ACT VIII. June 2008.
OCL: Okay, dammit. I'm really going to do something about this now. I am going to make copies of all this bullshit and send it to be amended tomorrow. I am done procrastinating! I am a brand new me!
Smug Co-Worker: Hey, it says right here online that you cannot amend a name on a marriage license. You'll have to change your name through the courts. Sucks to be you!
OCL: Wow, I spent almost a year waiting on something that I could've found out about online. I love the internetz. Must petition for name change stat.
ACT IX. July 2008.
Money Hungry Clerk: Okay, that'll be $330 for the name change.
OCL: Here you go. It's always fun taking it in the ass.
MHC: I know, right?
ACT X. August 14, 2008:
OCL: Your Honor, may it please the court...
Nice Lady Judge: Please stop that useless drivel. I accept your petition to change your name.
OCL: Holy shit, it's finally over. I have a new name.
LSR: What's your name again?