Thursday, January 3, 2008

For a moment, it's all so very clear.

Do you ever have those moments where you can see yourself with perfect clarity?

Today was one of those days. It was truly the most horrid day I've had in quite some time, but strangely, nothing significant happened. It was just another day where I rolled out of bed (late, as usual) went to work (late, as usual) and did next to nothing all day (as usual), and came home and did my normal random things.

On the other hand, something amazingly significant happened today. I was granted the ability to see all my flaws with perfect vision.

I actually consider myself a very self-aware person. I am probably too self-aware. I have always known what my flaws are and am usually very good about owning up to them. My philosophy is that no one can hurt me by pointing out my weak points, because I know myself much better and can hurt myself so much more. It's a defense mechanism. And while it's admirable to have insight into one's motivations and character, it also feels like complete bullshit sometimes.

There are just some flaws that I don't want to own up to. There are some flaws that I'm truly ashamed to have. I'm afraid to admit to them because I'm truly scared that they make me a bad person. And I have never wanted to be a bad person. I've always tried to do my best and be my best.

In the distant past, I had those days where I didn't like myself at all. For the past few years, I'm not sure if I've had a single one of those days. Sure, I always have doubts about whether I could have handled something better or whatnot, but I've usually been able to like myself despite my failings.

I realize that this is all very cryptic, but I don't really know how to describe what it is I'm experiencing at the moment. Let's just say that I feel really weak, sad, scared, and on the verge of a major existential crisis. There are times when I don't know what I'm doing, and this is one of those times.

Tonight my flaws feel incredibly deep. And when I look in the mirror, I see someone that is a stranger. I'm not sure if I can be friends with her.

I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, I will feel differently. Maybe this is all a product of being tired.

God, I hope so.


Kim Photography said...

Is this what I think it's about? If so, you are being WAY too hard on yourself. Or maybe I am just as flawed and don't give a shit. ;)

Hope you feel better today.

dapotato said...

i hope it's a result of tiredness. during undergrad, i a had a lot of those types of days/nights. once i had lived on good sleep for awhile, i realized i am a much better person and like myself much better when i have rest.

anyway, hope you feel better today.

Discombobulated said...

This make so much sense to me, I definitely have those days too.

I hope things did get better today, I am always hear to listen if you want to talk.

amber said...

i hope you start feeling better soon :(

Nanette said...

Oh, I totally have days like that!

WeezerMonkey said...

And, no, I'm not being snide!