This year my Google Reader has become significantly overloaded. That's because there are just too many good blogs out there. Here are my 2008 favorites, in no particular order:
Katie's blog is a very recent discovery. I love how fun, creative, and spontaneous she is. I'm kind of jealous of her, because she seems like an exceptional human being and she doesn't settle for doing the same boring thing over and over.
Jo commented on my blog back at the beginning of the year, and through her, I have been introduced to a world full of awesome inspirational things. Like Katie, she seems like a fun and sweet person. Big bonus: she's engaged, so she loves to think about all things wedding.
This blog has been instrumental in getting me to think "outside the box" (oh, how I hate that phrase) in regard to what I really want to do with my life. In 2009, I'd like to put some of this blog's practical advice about doing what you love to good use.
I put Matt's blog in the "Emotional Journeys" section of my Google Reader - and what a journey it's been. Watching his life evolve since the death of his wife and birth of his daughter has been moving, astonishing, and inspirational. I absolutely love Matt's writing style and photos. Most of all, I love the spirit of survival that his blog celebrates with each post.
Even if you're not religious, prayer can be a very real necessity. This is a prayer blog, one filled with poignant stories and sad recollections and heart-stopping photography. It features the prayers and the questions that are often left unanswered.
I'm not fashionable by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't really agree with most of Elizabeth's fashion choices (probably because I am fashion-challenged). I don't even have a frame of reference for most of the things she talks about. But I love this blog. It never fails to make me laugh.
A group of male photographers gets on a bus and fly (ride?) by the seat of their pants, letting their blog readers choose where they get to go next. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure book in blog form. The photographs are mind-blowing, and the hilarity is...well, hilarious.
This is probably the blog to read if you want to learn more about photography and how to take good photos. The Pioneer Woman takes a complicated subject and makes it easier to grasp, and the cool thing is that she's pretty much entirely self-taught (not to mention talented). She hosts awesome giveaways and gives practical tips. And she's funny. Really damn funny.
So this concludes my 2008 cool blog retrospective. And even though my Google Reader is vastly overloaded, why don't you share yours with me? I have plenty of room for more cool things in my life, trust me.
2008 was a great year for music. I was introduced to a lot of great new songs. I'm kind of a casual listener to music - it seems I never just sit down and listen to music while doing nothing else. I'm always listening to it while I drive, clean the house, work on the computer, etc. Still, I'm able to absorb what I'm listening to pretty well, although I must confess that I'd like to become a more conscious listener of music.
Without further ado, my top music picks for this year.
How I love this album. I listened to it constantly during the spring. I love the retro sound of it - to me, it's pretty timeless. I love Zooey Deschanel's voice and its raw imperfections. It's rare for me to like every track on an album, but I enjoy every single song on Volume One.
Roma di Luna was probably my best music discovery of the year. I had the pleasure of seeing them live on our anniversary trip; that was my introduction to them, and I've been hooked ever since. I love their folksy style, and I love the lead singer's ethereal voice.
My Favorite Song of the Year
I listened to a bunch of different songs this year, some of them over and over, but my favorite song of the year is Roma di Luna's cover of "In the Aeroplane over the Sea". I'm not a big fan of the original version, but lordy, I love Roma di Luna's version. I wish I would have known about this version back on our wedding day - I would have loved to walk down the aisle to it.
Here are the lyrics to "In the Aeroplane over the Sea":
What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here with me, me
And one day we will die And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea But for now we are young Let us lay in the sun And count every beautiful thing we can see Love to be In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me, me
What a curious life we have found here tonight There is music that sounds from the street There are lights in the clouds Anne's ghost all around Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me Soft and sweet How the notes all bend and reach above the trees, trees
Now how I remember you How I would push my fingers through Your mouth to make those muscles move That made your voice so smooth and sweet Now we keep where we don't know All secrets sleep in winter's clothes With one you loved so long ago Now he don't even know his name
What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is circling all round the sun And when we meet on a cloud I'll be laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all, at all
You can listen to Roma di Luna's version here. Do it! Do it now!
The Strangest Albums I Downloaded This Year, Neither of Which Were Actually Released in 2008
This album gives me the creeps. It's haunting and melancholy, and I can't listen to it that often. But it has just the right amount of strange to keep me intrigued.
A head trip to listen to, but it's very fun and enjoyable (and weird).
My Favorite Playlist of the Year
I love making playlists in iTunes. I used to make them based entirely on genre or mood, but now I've switched to making playlists as a soundtrack to a particular time in my life. My favorite playlist of the year is called "So Summer Doesn't Suck So Much," and it features the songs that made me feel really happy, thus saving this past summer from complete suckage.
(I'm too lazy to link to all the songs - sorry about that.)
1) "Appels and Oranjes" - Smashing Pumpkins 2) "Blue Monday" - New Order 3) "Bury Me Beneath the Killin' Fields" - Roma di Luna 4) "Effigy" - Natalie Merchant 5) "Fight Test" - The Flaming Lips 6) "Funky Goes to Hollywood" - DJ Earworm 7) "Head On" - Jesus and Mary Chain 8) "I Can't Afford to Be Broke" - Roma di Luna 9) "I Hate Everything About You" - Three Days Grace 10) "In the Mood" - Cadillac Kolstad and the Flats 11) "Lost!" - Coldplay 12) "Lost?" - Coldplay 13) "Radio Song" - REM, featuring KRS-One 14) "The Romance of Wolves" - Roma di Luna 15) "Safe in my Lover's Arms" - Bering Strait 16) "These Arms of Mine" - Otis Redding 17) "Trouble Down the Road" - Roma di Luna 18) "Violet Hill" - Coldplay
And this concludes my 2008 Musical Retrospective.
Now I'd like to hear your top picks of 2008 - or of all time. I'm in desperate need of new music for our vacation, so the more recommendations you can give me, the better. Thanks, everyone!
My mom called me last night and wearily told me that she'd had to put one of our family cats, Riley, to sleep earlier in the day. He was sixteen years old, and his age had finally caught up with him.
Riley and I were not close. My brother referred to him as "intense," and that's probably a good word choice - we never formed a close bond, but still, this was sad for me to hear. My mom's house will be a little more empty without our black and white buddy. I wish Riley the most perfect peace.
Here's to you, Riley. Your slobbering was top-notch, and you were annoying as all hell. You look a little crazy in the picture below, and I wish I could blame it entirely on the flash. But you were one of a kind, and I'm going to miss you. RIP, ol' buddy.
These phone calls I receive from my mom are the ones that I dread; they are reminders of what I had, what's been lost, and the time that's passed. When I moved to California back in 2001, my mom had four dogs and 10+ cats, remnants of our growing up and our addiction to taking in strays - that's a whole lot of pets, but living in the country on a large plot of land, we always had plenty of space for them to roam and be happy. They've all had lives full of fields, food, and love, and that is the only comfort I know when one of them passes away. When I come back to my mom's house, the place where I grew up, there's that feeling of emptiness - all four dogs are gone now, and most of the cats have died as well. I will never see any of my favorites again. (I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but there were those that I was really attached to. I still get that telltale lump in my throat any time I think of any of them.)
Every time we lose a family pet, there's my own sadness to deal with, but there's also the acknowledgment that my mom is a quiet hero. She accompanies our pets as they take their final breaths; she is there as they slip away. She calls me when it's over and listens to me cry. Sometimes she shares in the tears with me, but most of the time, it's about her comforting me. She's the one who does the hard, dirty work, and she does it with grace.
As I prepare for my own journey to motherhood, I know that this is one of those really difficult things that I'm eventually going to have to deal with. Some day I'm going to have to tell our kids that their favorite kitty or puppy is very sick and needs to be put to sleep. I'm going to have to explain the fact of death, that most unexplainable thing, and I'm going to have to watch my children experience heartbreak.
How will I do this? Will I cry with them? Will I wait until they've gone to bed and then let it all out? How do you balance a mother's grace with that sorrow? How do you put aside your own pain while shouldering the sadness of your children?
I do not have the answers to those questions. But one thing I do know is that my mom will always be my hero, because even though I'm pushing 30 and my brother is 33, all she still wants to do is protect us from the pain of the world. It's a hard, selfless job that I'm taking on, and I sometimes wonder if I have it in me to be that kind of a hero (or a hero at all, really).
And then there's the knowledge that I would do anything to protect this little life inside me. I know this, because every time I see Bunlet moving and wiggling away on the ultrasound screen, all the crappy pregnancy side effects are totally worth it. I'll take more insomnia, more dry-heaving, and more leakage if it means that Bunlet will thrive. You can even throw in some vomiting and constipation for good measure.
Bunlet seems to have unlocked some strength inside me that I didn't know I had. So I guess you could say that Bunlet is my hero, too. I'm proud to be my kiddo's mom, and I'm proud to be my mom's kiddo. Without them, I wouldn't know grace, and I sure as hell wouldn't know this kind of love.
I checked my grades today, and I almost fell over when I saw that I ended up with an A- in the class I just finished. I did very well in the class up until the end when I turned in my final paper late and a few pages too short (due to extreme insomnia). I was really afraid that it would ruin my GPA, but apparently my professor saw that I was having a difficult time and decided to cut me some slack.
To be honest, even though the paper was late and not long enough, I worked really damn hard on it, and I feel that I really earned the A- in the class. I really appreciate the fact that my professor took my circumstances into account, because if he hadn't, I might have ended up with a B or something (which isn't really all that acceptable for grad school - or my program, at least).
So yeah, this week is shaping up to be much better than last week. Potential crappy GPA crisis averted!
Stick a fork in me! I'm done with my final paper for the quarter, which means I'm done with the quarter. Finally.
As I mentioned, last week was hard. (I've heard that the full moon made things crazy for Geminis.) I had to ask my professor for an extension on my final paper, which was due on Wednesday. He granted me an extension until Thursday. Then I had to ask for an incomplete. As he doesn't like to give incompletes, he gave me an extension until this morning.
Good enough. This may ruin my GPA that I've worked so hard to maintain, but good enough. At this point, I am not picky. In fact, I am so not picky that the paper I turned in didn't meet the page requirement at all. I am normally a much better student, but I also don't usually have a human being growing in me. One thing pregnancy has made me realize is that I'm not Superwoman. Not anywhere close.
So I spent the weekend sleeping and writing and reading and spending time with family and friends, trying not to dwell on the challenges ahead. Because even though the paper's done, there's still a mess of things to deal with.
I'd like 2009 to be simpler, please.
We had our gift exchange with Roy's family last night. Paul drew my name and got me this:
It's a toy camera kit that uses medium-format film and takes awesomely imperfect pictures. I'm extremely excited to add this to my arsenal. I've been wanting this for close to a year now.
Paul also got me two of these, except in classy, shiny silver:
They are perfect for the food-phobic.
(Thank you, Paul.)
We also celebrated Paul's birthday last night. We had yummy chocolate cake, and I loved the candles.
Happy birthday, Paul! And happy winter break to me.
This week sucked. Sucked. It would take me a long time to explain said suckage, but take my word for it. It was bad.
It's unfortunate that one can't be pregnant in a vacuum. Being pregnant is the easy part (well, that's debatable); being pregnant while trying to maintain some semblance of a normal life is what's hard.
That said, despite how much this week has sucked, I am grateful for two things in particular: my good health and Bunlet's good health.
So there's my 16 week belly pic. (It was another bad face/bad hair day, so I cropped it. And please excuse the doorknob.) This morning I was at the copy machine, and one of my co-workers started talking about my belly. This led me to explain to her that Bunlet is now the size of an avocado.
She seemed confused by the fact that Bunlet is still so small but that my belly is "so big." I'm not sure if my belly really is big, but I do have this feeling that I'm going to be absolutely huge by the end of my pregnancy.
But my burning question is where the hell are my glorious pregnancy boobs? They've grown a tiny bit, but when I hear other women talking about how much their boobs grew in early pregnancy, all I can do is look down sadly at my 34Bs (which were 34Bs before I was pregnant).
This week was our 16 week prenatal appointment. Bunlet's heartbeat was 140, down from 160+ at our most recent ultrasound. (This is no cause for concern, by the way.) I've gained a grand total of one pound since the beginning of my pregnancy. All in all, things are going well, and everything appears to be normal.
We have our big ultrasound in exactly ten days! Finding out if Bunlet is a boy or girl will be the best Christmas gift ever, provided that he/she cooperates. I'm probably going to do a little guessing game giveaway post on here for the occasion, so start thinking about whether you think Bunlet is a little man or a little lady (if you care, that is). I'll provide more details on that later.
Anyway, Bunlet and I are both looking forward to an easier time next week. Bunlet is now able to hear my voice, so the less pissing and moaning (and cussing), the better. I'm counting on giving birth to nothing less than an upstanding citizen - we can't let the potty mouth get in the way of that.
Remember this post? Remember how I said I wanted to bottle my feelings of happiness because I knew that I wouldn't always feel that way?
Well, mere days later, I've done a complete 180, and I am a sleep-deprived, pimply, stressed out ball of my former (happy) self. And it's all my professor's fault. How dare he assign us a 20 page paper for our final project? Why didn't I work on this over the weekend?
Oh, that's right. Because I was sleeping for most of the weekend. Because I was/am so sleep-deprived that I feel like I'm losing my mind. Because my husband snores and our cats cry and I'm supposed to be sleeping on my back at this point in my pregnancy but it's just not comfortable. Because our (full-sized) bed is probably not big enough to accommodate both of us and the mound of pillows I need to stay on my side so that I don't cut off Bunlet's blood supply.
Attending graduate school while pregnant = so not recommended.
It's amazing how many questions people ask when they find out you're pregnant - and how many of the same ones you hear over and over. There's a blogger out there who posted an FAQ once she announced her pregnancy, but honestly, I can't remember who it was. Whoever it was, I'm stealing your idea - thanks in advance! (And if you read this blog, let me know who you are in the comments.) (Edited to add: It was Nanette who originally did the FAQ - thanks, Nanette!)
Bunlet/Pregnancy/TTC FAQ
How far along are you?/When are you due? As of today, I am 15 weeks, 2 days pregnant, so I am still near the beginning of the second trimester. My official due date is May 29, 2009, but I will not be surprised if I have a June baby. My birthday is on June 7, and part of me is hoping that Bunlet and I will share a birthday.
How are you feeling?/Do you have morning sickness? Now that I've left the first trimester behind, I'm feeling much better. I was pretty miserable throughout it. By some stroke of luck, I haven't thrown up, but I had a lot of nausea and a general feeling of ickiness all the time. I was also extremely tired, and as luck would have it, I've had a raging case of insomnia for pretty much my entire pregnancy. I will say that the idea of morning sickness is a myth - for many women, it's all day sickness, and for me, I experienced a lot of nausea at night. Even though I'm in the second trimester now, I still have nausea, but it's mostly pretty mild.
Are you going to find out the sex of the baby?/Do you have a gender preference? Yes, we are absolutely going to find out! We don't have a preference as to gender - we are just really happy to finally be expanding our family. Beggars can't be choosers; all we really want is a healthy baby. Please and thank you.
Where did the name "Bunlet" come from? My lovely friend Myra and I were discussing someone else's pregnancy via text back in April, and she sent me a message that said, "I cannot wait until you and the Roylet have a little bunlet in the oven." From the beginning of our relationship, I have often referred to Roy as "the Roylet." It makes sense for him to have fathered a little Bunlet.
Did the length of time you tried for a baby have any effect on your pregnancy and how you feel about it? Honestly, it's hard to answer this question because trying for ten months and going through the infertility testing is really the only TTC experience I've personally had. Of course, we'd have been happy and excited if we'd gotten pregnant the first cycle trying (or the second or third or fourth). But our particular journey really gave me a whole different perspective on things once I actually got pregnant. For one, I realized right away how damn lucky we were to get pregnant after only ten months; if you had told me at the beginning of our TTC journey that it would take almost a year for us to get pregnant, I probably would've felt really discouraged and depressed about it. I also really wanted a girl when we first started TTC - but after months of trying, the sex of the baby just didn't matter anymore. A girl, a boy - as long as he/she is healthy, I am happy.
My friend Tiff says that she feels that everyone should have to TTC for at least six months before getting pregnant, because it would give people a whole lot of insight into the heartbreak of a negative pregnancy test, having your period show up when that's the last thing you want, or seeing your temperature drop at the end of a cycle. Tiff also likened getting pregnant to ordering food through a drive-thru. For some people, it really is as simple as driving up and saying, "I'd like a baby, please," and being given one right away. For others, it is not nearly that uncomplicated, and it is much more heartbreaking.
As I said before, I really am grateful for our TTC journey. Without it, we wouldn't have this baby who we already love so much. And let's face it, we all need to be taken down a notch sometimes. The last year has definitely humbled me.
Did you do anything differently the cycle you got pregnant? Yes, I had an HSG, didn't chart, and only used OPKs to time intercourse. It's been said that it's easier for some women to get pregnant after having an HSG, as the dye tends to "clean out the cobwebs," so to speak.
It's really tough to say why cycle 9 was the winner - it could be any number of things. Maybe the sperm and egg were finally in the same place at the same time, maybe the HSG cleared out some minor blockage, maybe not charting was the key.
All I know is that I was shocked beyond belief when the test came out positive.
Will you do anything differently when you try for your next child? Yes. Next time I hope that we'll ease gently into the TTC process. I feel that we (me, mostly) put too much pressure on the situation, and it really didn't help. I am a very proactive person, and I don't like to fart around when it comes to something I want. I am a go-getter to the point of obsessiveness, and this can work against me.
I think it's important for people who are TTC to relax. People who've been TTC for awhile hate being told that, because in some cases, no amount of relaxing is going to get you knocked up. I get that, but I also know that being as relaxed as possible certainly can't hurt anything.
I'd like to say that I was super relaxed the cycle I got pregnant, but with the testing we were doing, I really wasn't.
Any advice for someone new to TTC? 1 )Read TCOYF. 2) Learn how to chart in order to get familiar with your body. 3) Don't expect to get pregnant right away, but realize that if you do, you are very, very, very lucky. 4) Have fun. Relax. It will happen.
Have you had any complications with your pregnancy? No, thankfully. I did have to go to the ER at 11 weeks due to mild dehydration. I felt absolutely miserable that night. I was given fluids and had an ultrasound - that's when I first heard the heartbeat and saw Bunlet moving around. Seeing Bunlet made everything okay. Funny how that happens.
Do you like being pregnant? Yes. So far it's been a pretty rewarding process, despite the fact that the first trimester pretty much sucked. I am always amazed at how unstressed I've been about my pregnancy so far. I thought I would be a walking ball of worry. Of course, I do worry a healthy amount, but I had to wait awhile for this, so I am determined to enjoy it. I decided early on that I wasn't going to let my fears of potential bad things (miscarriage, birth defects, etc.) keep me from enjoying this time or bonding with Bunlet. I worried and stressed enough during the TTC process, and ultimately it just took too much out of me.
There is still the (remote) possibility that we could lose Bunlet or that there could be something seriously wrong with him/her. It's scary, very scary, and it would be devastating if it happened. However, there is also the very real possibility that something could happen to Roy, but that has never stopped me from loving him entirely. I choose to love Bunlet completely and ferociously, despite all the risks, because no matter how painful it could be to have to face losing him/her, I am Bunlet's mother - and this is what mothers do.
I am very lucky to have had a problem-free pregnancy thus far - it has, without a doubt, made it much easier to give myself over to the love I have for my kiddo. Hope is a powerful thing, but I realize that not all expectant parents have the luxury of experiencing it to its fullest potential.
Have you gained any weight?/Are you showing? Our scale at home shows that I have gained no weight. I will get weighed at my next appointment on December 11. But I am showing. At eight weeks, I was so bloated that I couldn't fit into any of my jeans and my rings were too small. I began wearing the bella band. At 12 weeks I was sporting a small baby belly and officially started wearing maternity clothes. I am really surprised I started showing so early. I thought for sure I wouldn't show until much later. Right now I have only grown in my belly; maybe that's why I'm already showing.
Here's a picture of the (all-in-black emo) belly at 14 weeks, 5 days:
I had to cut my head off this picture because I look like ass. Truly. I've had quite a few people tell me that I'm a cute pregnant person (thanks, nice peeps who are probably lying!), but to be honest, I feel like I just look really tired most of the time. I do, however, feel much more attractive than I did in the first trimester. I was looking pretty tore up (Kim, are you listening?!!!1!1) most of the time, to the point where I probably would've had to wear pork-chop flavored panties to get a dog to even look at me. Unfortunately, I could never wear the pork-chop flavored panties because the smell is nauseating. Sucks to be me.
So, these are all of the questions I can think of for my uber-fascinating FAQ - you see how this one has dwindled into a discussion of scented underwear. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask in the comments, and I will put together another long-winded (but hopefully endlessly entertaining) FAQ.
On Thursday night, I took Roy to a local place that does fetal ultrasounds. Even though our big ultrasound (where we find out the sex) is in about two weeks, I was so anxious and excited to see Bunlet. It had been four weeks since I'd had an ultrasound, and I was missing my kiddo. (I anticipate us paying for several more ultrasounds during the last half of my pregnancy. Patience is not a virtue of mine.)
Our baby is an active one. He/she didn't stop moving the entire time. We got to see fingers and toes (and feet and hands, obviously), some long legs (or so they appeared to me), the spine, the heart, and a marvelously adorable baby butt. We saw the face, too, but it's still looking rather skeletal.
At the end of it all, we got to pick the picture we wanted, and we decided to go with the one of Bunlet yawning.
(I think that picture title needs a few more exclamation points, kind of like this: !!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!.)
I have to say that I am amazed, just amazed, by what is happening with my body and with the little person that's growing inside me. The ultrasound left me feeling absolutely giddy and teary. Roy and I went to Target afterwards, and we perused the baby section. We haven't done this much in the time I've been pregnant, and I'm not really sure why. We topped it off with a visit to the Christmas section, where we bought a new tree and some new ornaments. The whole time I just couldn't stop thinking about my life. It's just so good. It's not perfect, but damn, it's good.
On our way home, we were at a stoplight, and I looked over at Roy, his face bathed in soft red light, and I realized, in a way that I've never realized it before, that I am happy.
Thursday was also the day when I saw my therapist for the last time. I had been seeing her for close to four years. I began seeing her after my last ex and I split up, because I was convinced that it all was my fault and somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew there was something wrong with that. (That feeling has been a trend in many of my interpersonal dealings throughout my life.)
For the first few months, my therapist gave me assignments, which I worked on in my therapy notebook. After awhile, we did away with the assignments and just relied on talking through my feelings. I never had any big explosions of emotion, where I broke down in tears and sobbed on her couch, resulting in a giant breakthrough that somehow made me more enlightened. There were a few times when I cried a little bit, tears slipping slowly down my face as I talked about something that I didn't even realize was bothering me.
The changes came slowly, so slowly that I didn't even realize what was occurring. In time, I had transformed from a girl who felt completely defective and unworthy of love to a girl who recognizes her flaws and tries to do her best in spite of them. In many ways, I am still the girl who walked into her office for the first time, but I am now a stronger version of her.
It takes courage to look at the dark parts of oneself and try to figure out what to do with them. In my case, I have managed to integrate these dark parts with the rest of my character. They do not define me, but they are undeniably part of me. I have better things to do than be a martyr and remain a slave to the hurtful parts of my past. I choose now to respect that past and let it rest. I'm sure I will revisit it as necessary, as I have done in recent years, but there is no longer this overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about the hard things.
There is so much that I want to do with my life, so many things that I want to experience. Today I feel that all things are possible. For the moment, I have this beautiful, illuminating sense of clarity.
I feel whole.
Earlier this week, a very influential ex-boyfriend found me on myspace. I met J when I was 18 years old, mere months before I slipped into my Great Depression. (He was not the cause of the Great Depression, by the way, but he was there to witness some of it.) We had a long-distance relationship that was characterized by a frenzy of letter-writing. I still have all of his letters, and you can definitely trace how things unfolded between us. It was all very romantic.
He was one of the first people I'd met that dared to break the mold of boring convention, and being the curious person I've always been, he was very intriguing to me. Ultimately he opened my mind to a great many new things, which I have always been grateful for.
I was so in awe of J that I don't think I really knew how to be myself, my whole self, around him. He was so tough and so experienced and so sure of what he wanted that it was very intimidating to me. I think he sensed this about me and thus encouraged me to unlock my inner warrioress. I didn't figure out how to do this until years later. And I realized this week that she's here, she's unlocked, she's always with me.
That person I always wanted to be? Without knowing how it happened, I've become her.
There are people in my life who are going through some hard times and have been for awhile. I want to say to them that life sucks sometimes, and it does so without any consideration for who you are. Sometimes it's unfair to have this much shit piled on us, but it happens anyway, without any regard to what's fair.
The good news? Things do get better. Things will start to change. One day you'll wake up and realize that you're happy, that your inner voice is calm, and that you've made it. This hard time that you're going through may act as my Great Depression does for me and serve as the thing against which you measure all bad things. You may begin to see that if you can make it through this, then you can make it through anything.
And you can. Rest assured, things are going to change for the better.
In the meantime, hang in there. It will be worth it, I promise.
The holiday season is upon us, and I'm looking forward to the holidays with a great sense of anticipation and excitement. I have always loved Christmas, but still, this year feels different. There's a different kind of electricity in the air, a strange feeling of wonder.
Maybe the holiday season hasn't changed at all. Maybe it's just me. Things in me are shifting (and not just my internal organs due to pregnancy, either!). I feel alive and conscious and absolutely electric.
This feeling I'm having? I want to bottle it. Because life is so good right now, and it won't always be this good. Because I want to remember this time in great detail, but the older I get, the less room my brain has. Because it is, quite frankly, a beautiful state in which to be.
Today, and maybe today only, the world is a beautiful, welcoming place - and life is something to be treasured.
Thanks for being there as I muck my way through it all.
I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying "I'm pregnant!". For the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I made this joyful announcement to Roy every morning. I've stopped having to say it, though, because you can tell just by looking at my stomach that I am, indeed, marvellously pregnant.
But this is something I still whisper to myself, and every time my heart smiles. (And yeah, I look a little insane in this picture.)
I feel the need to document my TTC/pregnancy journey in detail, so my apologies in advance to all the baby-haters reading - there will be a series of posts about all things Bunlet coming your way. Some of this, particularly this entry, has been covered before, but whatever, here it is, in all its glory: our journey to become parents.
If you've been reading my blog for awhile, then you know that it took us some time to get here. We started officially TTC (trying to conceive) when I started a fresh cycle on December 3, 2007 (after being off birth control for two cycles). Because my two prior cycles off birth control were very regular, I figured my body had returned to its normal, pre-birth control state.
It turned out that I was wrong. Not only were my first three TTC cycles long and erratic, but I was also covered in acne and suffered from really bad mood swings. It was pretty damn obvious to me that I was coming down hard after being on the pill for five years. Despite the unpredictable cycles, we started (and kept) trying for a baby. I charted religiously and used my morning temperatures to figure out if I'd ovulated. I used the Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor for our second and third TTC cycles, which ended up being too much of a stressor and ultimately a waste of money (because I got absolutely no good information from it). I added in ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) in our third cycle and got ten positives, all spread throughout my entire cycle (see chart below). This was not normal, and so I began to worry about the possibility of my having PCOS.
I got in to see my OB at the beginning of April 2008 (and the beginning of cycle 4 TTC), and she ordered the day 3 hormone level bloodwork to check for hormone issues, egg quality, etc. Everything came back normal.
We weren't really worried at this point. Frustrated and stressed, yes, mainly because my cycles were on the long side, but not really worried. Coincedentally, my cycles became very regular after I saw my OB in April, which did wonders for my stress level. I kept charting and using the OPKs every cycle, and every cycle ended in disappointment.
By the time the summer came around, I was getting pretty nervous. And the disappointment was turning into something more like sadness. When my temperature dropped at the end of each cycle, signalling that my period was on its way, it triggered something like a breakdown. I would cry, eventually get it all out of my system, and begin the next cycle determined to be positive.
It seemed I was surrounded by two categories of people: 1) people who were either so fertile they were getting pregnant on their first cycle trying or 2) people who were infertile. In my mind, I kept putting us in category 2 because we obviously didn't fit in category 1. At the same time, I knew it could reasonably take awhile to get pregnant.
At the end of July, we decided to go ahead and start testing for possible fertility issues. We went to an infertility seminar at the beginning of August and got in to see the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) near the end of August. They immediately ordered tests.
Thus began the Infertility Testing Reign of Terror. This is not something I would wish on anyone. While I really wanted to know if there was anything wrong, I was terribly afraid of what the tests would reveal. I had spent months in blissful ignorance (well, not exactly), and now we were going to find out some things that could potentially be very devastating. My concerns were more financial than emotional, as our insurance didn't/doesn't cover infertility treatments. But I won't lie - finding ourselves at this point was pretty emotionally trying for both of us.
I found myself in an odd in-between state during cycles 8 and 9. At that point, I had stopped charting, because the stress of it was just too much. Maybe it was the lack of charting, maybe it was that we felt defeated enough to seek the help of an RE, but I lost that sense of urgency that had propelled me full force through most of our TTC journey. I started focusing on other things, and I stopped planning anything with a baby in mind. I started making changes in other areas in my life. I cut off my hair, got Lasik, changed my name, readjusted my attitude about my job, rearranged our apartment, started doing more portrait sessions, and decided to take a class on campus to help me get jump-started on my thesis. All of these things gave me a sense of power that I really needed at that point - wrestling with the possibility of infertility makes one feel very helpless.
We went through cycle 8 without using anything to track my fertile period except plain ol' intuition. We didn't even use OPKs. When cycle 9 came around, I went in for my HSG - it was August 29. I barely slept the night before. I cried a lot. I was preparing myself for really bad news: my tubes being blocked, etc. Most people would probably have told me to "think positive," but envisioning the worst possible outcome worked for me. I was able to face my fear that night and have the test done the next day. There is nothing like the feeling I had when I saw the dye travel through my tubes and spill out around my ovaries. It was the best kind of relief. For the moment, we had avoided heartbreak.
Roy and I decided that he should wait to do his semen analysis after I had ovulated, as a semen analysis requires abstaining from sex. Roy gave his sample on September 18, and we were told we would get the results on September 22. This required us to wait all weekend. And that weekend (September 20 and 21) was when I began to notice that something was up.
That Sunday, Roy and I did our afternoon workout as usual, and afterwards I was so tired that I could barely get out of bed for family dinner. But I did, and we walked over to my mother-in-law's, as we did every Sunday evening. Dinner that night was enchiladas, and I ate a bit. After awhile, though, I began to feel really sick. The smell of the enchiladas was really getting to me, and every time I took a bite, I was acutely aware of the texture of the food. My mouth felt like it had entirely too much food in it. I thought this was slightly odd, but nothing out of the ordinary, as I have always had a strong sense of smell and have a lot of food-related phobias.
Roy and I did end up sitting outside for awhile (to get away from the smell), and when we came back in, I laid on the couch with him sitting beside me. At this point, the conversation amongst everyone had turned to a specific couple of foster children with whom everyone was acquainted. For some reason, the stories about these poor kids were entirely too much for me to bear, and tears began slipping down my face silently. I think Roy knew I was in big trouble and that I would soon end up wailing, so we excused ourselves and walked home.
On the way home, I was thinking about how my emotional craziness was a sure sign my period was on its way. It was due within the next couple of days. Roy mentioned how we were going to get the semen analysis results the next day, and that was all it took. I lost it. There on the streets of downtown Riverside, I began sobbing. I just felt doomed.
As it turned out, the results of Roy's semen analysis were excellent. I was elated when I got the news. I felt like we'd won the lottery. To celebrate, Roy and I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant that night. I was due to start my period the next day (or thereabouts), and as usual, I was sure that I wasn't pregnant. I honestly wasn't in any hurry to test because the results of the semen analysis were good enough for me for the time being.
Tuesday came and went without my period showing up to crash the party. That night I published this post about how I had been feeling about our testing. We also tried working out that night, and my heart was pounding so hard I couldn't finish the workout. I told my good friend and chart stalker Kim about this, and she said that I should take a pregnancy test. But I was determined to wait until my period was officially late, even though I knew I was about fourteen days past ovulation at this point. Every single cycle before this, I always caved and tested before my period was late, only to have my period show up a few hours later. I was not going to make the same mistake. Wednesday morning I would test.
Finally, early Wednesday morning (around 1:00 AM), I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I decided that my pee was concentrated enough to give me a good test result, so I decided to test. While I was peeing in the cup, the typical testing thoughts were running through my mind: "Why am I even doing this? It's just going to be negative!"
I stuck the test (an internet cheapie) into my cup of pee, waited the requisite ten seconds, and then laid the test flat on the table by the toilet. Of course, I looked at it right away. The test was behaving exactly like every other test I'd taken: I could clearly see the control line, but of course, there was no test line to be seen. But I picked up my domino magazine and began looking through it. After about a minute or so, I looked at the test.
There were two pink lines.
I literally could not even believe what I was seeing. So I grabbed a First Response test from my stash (yes, I am hardcore) and stuck it into my cup of pee.
Right away, two pink lines.
Looking back on it, my lack of a reaction is really uncharacteristic of me. I didn't cry or scream or start shaking or anything like that. I still just couldn't believe what I was seeing. And yet, there it was. Two different brands of tests had told me the same thing: I was pregnant. Seeing those lines ranked right up there with my walk down the aisle on my wedding day as the most surreal moments in my life, ever. It was something that I thought might never happen to me. And then, all of a sudden, it was happening.
I briefly considered doing some kind of cool surprise for Roy to let him know I was pregnant (you know, buying him a onesie that says "I love Daddy" and presenting it to him with the positive tests), but I quickly decided that I absolutely had to tell him right at that moment. So I went into the bedroom, woke him up, and told him that he needed to see something. He followed me into the bathroom, where I showed him my tests.
In his half-asleep state, I don't know if Roy realized what he was looking at, so when he said, "Wha??," I said, "I'm pregnant!" We hugged, and I teared up. But I still didn't cry. Instead, I paced around saying things like, "I can't believe this is happening!" I stayed up almost the entire night, registering at baby sites, writing my BFP (big fat positive) email to my homies Kim and Melinda (who had seen me through my entire TTC journey), and starting my Bunlet blog. (Yes, I have a baby blog. Sorry, but no, you can't have the link - it's set to private, and it contains my personal letters to Bunlet.)
I really couldn't believe it was happening. And honestly, I still can't sometimes. I am still anticipating waking up from this wonderful dream. Even now, at almost 15 weeks, this pregnancy sometimes still doesn't seem real. And then I hear the sweet sound of our baby's heartbeat, and I know it is.
Listen:
It's amazing, isn't it? I am completely in awe of this little human. I am filled with happiness at life's little surprises and how quickly they can become the most important thing in your life. In this case, in the wee hours of September 24, 2008, a new mother was born. It's been a little over two months since that night, but there is no going back to the way things were before. I can't feel Bunlet moving, and I don't know if Bunlet is a boy or girl yet - but one thing I do know is this: I am already a mother, and I love this kiddo with everything I am.
And the journey, that sometimes painful journey - well, needless to say, it was all worth it. I realized almost right away that it was a piece of cake compared to what others go through. And sometimes it's best not to get what you want right away; sometimes it's better to delay that gratification and have to wait an extended period of time for your heart's desire. Because, as I've said before, if there's anything worth waiting for, it's your child.
This past weekend I drove out to meet up with my friend Tiff and her husband David for a maternity shoot. (Baby bump shoot? I don't know, I still don't like "maternity" shoot.) I met Tiff on the Nest last year - I think she liked my (really bad) attitude, and we began emailing as a result. This was our first (and hopefully not our last) time meeting in person.
We went to her parents' property in Cherry Valley for the shoot. The place was an absolute goldmine of beautiful light and really cool photo opps. I have already professed my love for Cherry Valley before, but this shoot sealed the deal.
Tiff and David are expecting twin girls (Cambria and Kaylin) in March. They had quite the road to get to where they are, and I am super happy for them. I can't wait to meet the twins - I even bought matching hats for them!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, here are some of the pics from the shoot:
Helloooo, hot stuff!
Tiff wanted some shadow pictures, and I was happy to oblige. This was taken on the garage door.
Tiff, David, thanks for letting me practice on you - you guys were great. I loved being a part of the twinsanity!
It's been a truly great (but amazingly stressful) month. Here's what happened.
1) We moved into our new house and said good-bye to our old apartment. 2) Obama was elected President! 3) Prop 8 passed. (Big, huge sad face.) 4) I totally screwed up NaBloPoMo. I didn't even come close to posting every day. 5) I saw our baby move (on the ultrasound screen) and have heard his/her heartbeat multiple times. 6) We came out to pretty much everyone about my being pregnant after keeping it on the DL for a couple of months.
Of course, I have more to say. I had a great weekend and would love to talk about it in detail, but my computer really is acting up. So I'm pretty limited on what I can do with pictures at the moment. (However, my Macbook should be here this coming week!)
But because I haven't shared anything from this session yet, here's some pics from a really quick shoot I did on my lunch hour a couple of weeks ago. All I can say is I have puppy fever, thanks to this session.
And PS, thanks so much for all your kind comments and congratulations on my pregnancy. I have a looooooooooong post related to that, and hopefully I'll be able to finish it up and post it soon.
As the holiday season sets in, I am feel like I am the luckiest person alive.
I am married to an amazing man, who is my best friend, my most enthusiastic (and yet my most mellow) cheerleader, and my partner in crime. The day we were married was truly the most wonderful day of my life. There is never a day that goes by where I don't think of how lucky I am to have him by my side.
I have a wonderful, supportive family (ducks not included). As if my own crazy and hilarious family wasn't good enough, I managed to marry into a family made up of some amazing and unique individuals. Roy and I are lucky to be surrounded on all sides by the love and support of our families.
I have the funniest and kindest friends a girl could ask for (not all of whom are pictured here, because some friends, no matter how awesome they are, don't like to be photographed. Or maybe I just don't have good photos of them.). They have seen me through some very dark times. They have laughed with me at stupid jokes and stupid people. They've emailed or texted or called to check in - for good reasons or for no reason at all. They are, essentially, my lifeline to the rest of the world.
I have a roof over my head and a home full of lovely fuzzy creatures. I am forever grateful that I have a home, a place that is comfortable and has adequate heat, air, and water. And I will never be able to express how much I love our cats. They are wonderful puffballs of unconditional love.
I am educated and employed. I have been fortunate enough to have the resources to go to college and gain an extraordinary amount of knowledge (and a considerable amount of student loan debt). And no matter what I may lose in the future, my education is something that can never be taken from me. My job, on the other hand, leaves so much to be desired, but in this scary economy, I am still lucky to have it. I make enough money to pay our bills, and I have good benefits. Things could definitely be worse.
I am continually inspired by the things you, my readers, write and produce on your own blogs - and being as big of a lurker as I tend to be, I am always in awe of people who have no idea I even exist. My Google Reader is always full, and I am so thankful that there is no lack of beauty in the blogosphere.
And, lastly, I am pregnant with our first child, due in late May/early June. We are absolutely over-the-moon, jump-up-and-down-screaming, can't-sleep-at-night, shout-it-from-the-rooftops thrilled. We cannot wait to meet our lovely Bunlet, who stole our hearts from the very first positive pregnancy test.
No matter how much I say it, I can never express my gratitude enough for the gifts that I've been given or for the support of my family, friends, and blog readers along the way. This year has been extraordinarily tough, but you, all of you, have given me the strength to push through it. Thank you.
30-something woman-child. Outnumbered by a darn cute husband and two adorable little boys. Maker of poems and images. Animal lover. Birth protector. Earth saver. Chronic insomniac. Seeker of simplicity. Cultivator of love. Lost in color and shadow. Oh, and I tell penis jokes, too.
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