Adventures in Randomness

Pssssst!

2009-02-27T07:27:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog!

I have really been ready for a change when it comes to the ol' blog landscape. Last night I bit the bullet and set up my new blog and imported all my posts from this blog.

The new blog is really bare bones right now, and I don't even know if I like the layout of it. I need to do some work on it. Can anyone point me to a good site for creating custom templates? I hate most of the templates Blogger offers.

Anyway, I won't be posting here anymore, so you can find me over there - at Love Street.

(Update your subscriptions and bookmarks, please!)

Hope to see you all over there!

Notes from the Universe: 3

2009-02-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

In both relationships and life, Leslie, trust begets trust.

Generosity begets generosity.

Love begets love.

Be the spark, especially when it's dark.

Hubba, hubba -
The Universe

I got the above note in my inbox this morning. Last night, I read this. It's no accident that these two things came into my life at around the same time. And I don't even believe in fate!

The message is hard to ignore. And I feel a sense of clarity for the first time in months. Things actually make sense! This rarely happens to me, especially lately when I have been on emotional overload.

I feel that everything's going to be okay. I feel that even though things have not turned out the way that I expected them to and that I am not the person I ever expected to be, there is nothing wrong with making some adjustments and moving on.

I don't believe in putting too much stock in making plans, because unexpected things always come up and derail said plans, but I have to confess something.

I have a plan. It's brilliant and beautiful and simple and it might just work.

At this point, there is absolutely nothing more that I could ask for.

Babymoon, Day 1: Lost in the City, Lost in Beauty

2009-02-23T22:45:00.000-08:00

Before I start recapping our babymoon trip to San Francisco, I'd like to make note of a few things:

1) These posts will probably be very photo-intensive. I used my new point and shoot as my primary camera during this trip and was very pleased with the results. My only real complaint is that it just can't handle having its ISO cranked up like my DSLRs can - which means that some of my pictures came out pretty noisy (grainy). That's what I get for refusing to use flash, yo.

Also, you may notice that many of my pictures from this trip are tilted. I think the fact that I took a lot of them from a moving vehicle had something to do with that.

2) Where's everyone been? I've noticed a really big decrease in the amount of comments I've been getting lately. Don't you love me anymore? Don't tell me you actually have lives!

3) How am I already exhausted? It's only Monday!

Okay, carrying on...

Roy and I woke up at the asscrack of dawn on Valentine's Day, and I was a total brat and took a picture of Roy's morning hair, which I am always so jealous of. My hair does boring things, like just laying there.

But Roy's... well, it's magnificent.

We did our last minute things and then picked up my mother-in-law, who dropped us off at the airport. I took pictures from the plane window. The flight attendant had to tell me to turn off my camera once the cabin door was closed. I had no idea "camera signals" interfered with all those airplane things going on.

At 8:30 AM, we landed in Oakland and took the shuttle to the rental car place. We spent awhile there because the rental car people kept insisting that we had to pay a $250 deposit since we were using a debit card to pay. Whatever. We climbed into our rental and took off. After paying the $250 deposit, of course.

I took a picture of myself, looking better than ragged and surprisingly well put together. This never happens, so I'm glad I documented it.

I had a pretty sad looking printed map that indicated we needed to take the 80 into San Francisco, but we didn't really know where the 80 was. We spent awhile driving around and trying to guess which way we should go, but it soon became clear to us that we didn't have an effing clue. So we stopped at a gas station, grabbed a map, and ate cheeseburgers at the adjoining Burger King. (Yes, cheeseburgers at 9:30 AM. It's a good life.)

With the help of the map, we made our way over the Bay Bridge and into the lovely and bustling city of San Francisco.

It was way too early for us to be able to check into our hotel, so we drove around some and then decided to head over the Golden Gate Bridge. It took us quite a long time to find the damn thing. We were following signs that eventually took us off the freeway and through some crazy street route that made absolutely no sense. I kept remarking how it shouldn't be so difficult to find a huge-ass bridge.

But it was. However, eventually we found it.

And we drove over it. (I didn't get a good picture of it. Unfortunately, I didn't get a good picture of it during the whole trip. So here, look at some street art instead.)

We drove right into Sausalito, where we had a forgettable lunch at a restaurant with an excellent view.

Lobster bisque (very bland and boring):

Crab cakes (okay, but the sauce was weird):

But the graffiti in the bathroom was cool:

We took a walk after lunch; it was gorgeous there. We loved the houseboats.

We headed back into the city and decided to go in the direction of Union Square, where our hotel was. And I kid you not, it took us an hour and a half to get there. We ran into all kinds of issues (traffic, not being able to make left turns, etc.). I was one grouchy mofo by that point because I had to pee and was extremely uncomfortable from sitting in the car for so long. I wasn't a very good navigator either, because I kept dropping the map but couldn't pick it up from the floor of the car due to giant tummy issues. I ended up using my toes to pick it up. We finally parked our car in a lot down the street, and I begged the parking lot attendants to let me use their bathroom. While I was engaging in the Longest Piss Ever, Roy grabbed our bags. Bladder empty, we made the short hike to the King George.

We checked in and then found our room, otherwise known as the Smallest Room Ever. Seriously. (I had read about the small size of the rooms when I booked the hotel, but I guess it was just one of those things that I had to see to believe.) But the Smallest Room Ever didn't stop me from stripping naked and crawling happily into bed, where I crashed for several hours. (There I go with the TMI again. But honestly, if there's one thing I love more than sleeping, it's sleeping naked.)

By the time we ventured out again, it was dark, and we had a couple of hours to kill before our dinner reservation. We decided to walk around the financial district.

It was really embarrassing to be so out of breath while walking around. Roy literally had to push me up a few hills. Once we found flat land again, we came upon a couple of really cool art galleries. One of them featured the work of Robert Deyber. His pieces were a whole lot of fun with obvious Surrealist influences.

Ass Hole:

Rock, Paper, Scissors:

The Fire Ant:

There were some very striking paintings upstairs as well:

While I really enjoyed Deyber's work, I wasn't completely in love with it. I reserved falling in love for the second (and last) gallery we visited. We were walking by, and I saw this piece in the window:

I was immediately intrigued. The colors were so bright, so primary, and the characters were so simple - yet I was mesmerized by this painting. We went in and inquired about the artist.

His name is Coplu, and he has done some magnificent work. Roy and I definitely overstayed our welcome, sitting on the couch in the back room and looking at the Coplu pieces:

The pictures here just don't do the paintings justice; they were absolutely beautiful and perfect in person - so perfect that Roy and I were seriously considering paying $3000 for the piece we saw in the window. The girl who was helping us was really pushing us to buy it (naturally) - she kept calling it the most perfect Valentine's Day gift, and you know, she was probably right. But I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money, no matter how damn beautiful the painting was or how much I wanted it. So we left - reluctantly.

And we went to Cafe Andree for dinner.

I took some pictures of our food, but they didn't turn out very well due to everything being so dimly lit. So here, have some (really grainy) pictures of us instead:

Dinner was good - not stellar, but very good. We enjoyed ourselves, and then we went back to the hotel. Of course, I kept thinking about the painting all night. All $3000 of it. I realized that I would have accepted it if Roy had bought it for me without my knowing about it, but that I would never be able to spend $3000 on something "nonfunctional" for myself. (I put nonfunctional in quotes, because I do feel that art and beauty do serve a purpose.)

I'm still not sure if we made the "right" decision in not buying it. We certainly can't afford a $3000 painting, but it sure was beautiful. I won't forget the way I felt while looking at it. And I suppose that's what art and beauty are all about; no amount of money you spend can harness the feeling you get when you see something truly beautiful.

(I'm still hoping Coplu will do children's books as his next project. I think his style would be perfect.)

Day 2 recap coming soon!

With a smile plastered on my face

2009-02-21T23:18:00.000-08:00

I watched this video tonight. Love.

A Beautiful Bridal Shower for a Beautiful Bride

2009-02-21T23:07:00.000-08:00

I attended my friend Jessica's bridal shower today and had a really great time. Jessica asked me beforehand to take pictures, so I brought all my gear and spent most of the time snapping away. (I did stop to eat and to hold an adorable baby boy, though.)

You may recall Jessica from her engagement pictures. Her wedding is in April, and while she hired an awesome photographer, I'm going to be taking her getting ready pictures. I'll be at her wedding as a guest, but I'll still be taking lots of pictures. I'm very excited - I love weddings!

At any rate, here are some of my favorite pictures from Jessica's bridal shower today. Note: I didn't really include guest photos on here just because I always feel a little weird about sharing pictures of people without their knowing it.

The color scheme was green, white, and black (just like the upcoming wedding):

Loved Jessica's shoes:

Loved that people got their gifts wrapped in the wedding colors:

Jessica and her grandmother (who is so cute):

Stretching (or something):

Opening gifts:

This might be my favorite photo so far. It's very imperfect but it's still a lovely moment:

Jessica and Josh, the bride and groom. Stunning, aren't they?

Thanks for inviting me to your shower, Jessica! Can't wait for the wedding!

26 weeks

2009-02-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know if the third trimester starts at 26 or 27 weeks, but whatever the case, I am almost there. I am 26 weeks pregnant today.

I don't really have a lot to report this week. But here are a few things:

1) I felt Charlie kick me in the rib area while we were in San Francisco. He's done that before, but only when I was lying down. This time I was sitting upright. It was pretty cool. It means that he's getting big. So big, in fact, that he kicked me so hard this morning while I was driving to work that it scared me a bit (because I wasn't expecting it). Crazy kid!

2) I did my one-hour glucose tolerance test yesterday. Basically you fast for a few hours, come in to the lab, "enjoy" a very sweet drink, and have a blood draw after an hour to see what your blood sugar level is like. If you don't pass, you do a three-hour glucose tolerance test. If you do pass, you are officially in the clear - no gestational diabetes.

And I passed. Hooray!

3) More and more strangers are commenting on my pregnancy. I saw a woman in a parking lot yesterday who gleefully said hi to me and then said happily, "You're pregnant!" It made me smile.

4) A security person at the airport asked me if I was having a boy because I'm carrying really low (according to her). It's fascinating to me how some people can just tell.

5) I've been buying things. Again. I got some nursing bras, some diapers (cloth, of course), and our convertible car seat. (I might have also gotten another diaper bag, but I will neither confirm nor deny that right now.) I got pretty good deals on everything. I have yet to pay full price on stuff for this kid. (Yes, there's still plenty of stuff left on our registries.)

6) I'm feeling a lot more pressure and general weirdness in my nether regions. I think the fact that I'm carrying low has much to do with that.

7) Charlie stole my brain. It's gone. I left the freezer open when I left the house this morning. I have emailed several people the wrong documents. I forget to pay bills. It's sad, really.

And that's pretty much all I've got for this week. I have some babymoon recapping to do, which I meant to start on a few days ago. But things have been crazy. I'll hopefully have something up by the end of the weekend.

I can't get started. So ask me anything.

2009-02-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

A hodgepodge of thoughts:

1) I saw the above e-card at someecards and got a good chuckle out of it. I think sometimes, when faced with something so absurd, there's nothing to do but laugh. It's not absurd that Heath Ledger might be awarded a posthumous Oscar (have the Oscars already happened?) - it's that the card is oddly true. A dead guy is more successful than me.

I guess that all depends on how you define success. I'm alive, he's dead - I've actually got one leg up on him just because I'm breathing and responding to stimuli. So technically I might be more successful.

2) Several people have told me lately that I am in touch with my emotions in a way that most people aren't. When I was a kid, I often hid my emotions, so much so that it backfired on me in a big way as a young adult. I didn't make the conscious choice to get in touch with my emotions; my thinking just seemed to shift (probably out of necessity), and out came Leslie, emotional whirlwind.

I still have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to feel. I've lost count of the times when I've said to Roy, "I don't know why I feel so bad/happy/angry/whatever about this." He always patiently explains to me that feelings just are. And then it all makes more sense. How sad is it that I still think that I need someone else's permission to feel the way I do?

Maybe it's not sad at all; maybe I am just still learning how to understand the need to have feelings. It is, after all, something I denied myself for quite a few years.

3) Things I want:

to dye my hair brown
to know what people say when they talk to themselves
a nap
a personal assistant
clarity
for that chick in Accounting to stop emailing me

4) I feel that lately I am just kind of floating around, or rather speeding around, and I really need something to become clear to me. I am completely aimless and yet I am hastening toward a rapidly-approaching future. I am always asking questions of the world and its inhabitants, but rarely do I feel that the world asks me anything. So here goes. Ask me something. Ask me anything. I promise I'll answer your questions later, should you decide to ask.

5) Thank you.

100 Days

2009-02-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

Today marks 100 days until my due date on May 29.

I very clearly remember when I reached the "100 days until my wedding" point - after that, time absolutely screamed by at the speed of light, and the next thing I knew, I was an old married hag. It's like I blinked and was married.

I know it's going to be the same way with having a baby. And just as it was when I was planning my wedding, my list of things to do is long. There are some big decisions that remain to be made (such as choosing a pediatrician, examining the pros and cons of circumcision, and figuring out what kind of childcare we're going to need). There are childbirth and breastfeeding classes to attend. There are books that remain to be read. There's a birth plan to write, a room to be painted and fixed up, showers to attend, and babyproofing to be done. Oh, and I'm also supposed to continue to work full time, work towards finishing my MA, and do things like eat, sleep, and breathe.

I have a million emotions about entering this last phase of my pregnancy. One of them is disbelief - I still cannot believe that we will have a baby at the end of this. Even though I know he's in there, sometimes it still just doesn't feel real to me. Can this really be happening to me? After almost thirty years of living and learning, can it be that I'm really going to be a mother? I have a really hard time wrapping my mind around this sometimes.

Things are going to change forever in 100 days, give or take a few. Things just won't be the same. And I'm okay with it. And I'm scared about that. But no matter what gets done and what's left undone, we're doing this.

We're having a baby.

"The world needs to hear your voice."

2009-02-17T22:55:00.000-08:00

Melinda and I went to a Postsecret event at University of Redlands tonight. I went through the entire range of human emotions as Frank talked about secrets he's received and people stood up at the microphone to reveal their own secrets. I left with a renewed sense of hope for the human race.

Postsecret is an incredible movement doing wonderful things for the world. Attending this event reminded me that we all have some deep, dark, dirty secret inside, and while we may never share our secret with the world, the very fact that the secrets exist is enough to bind us together. I have never sent in a postcard - what is amazing is that someone else has always told my secret on their own postcard, allowing me to feel not so alone in the darkness of what's left unsaid.

I've been "collecting" secrets from the site for several years now; here are some of my favorites:

The Babymooners Are Back!

2009-02-17T22:13:00.001-08:00

Last night Roy and I returned from a whirlwind weekend trip to San Francisco. It was a cold and wet adventure, a wonderful way to celebrate our marriage before our little guy makes his appearance and changes our lives forever.

I will, of course, be recapping the trip in detail through words and photos this week. Stay tuned!

25 weeks

2009-02-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

Today I am 25 weeks pregnant.

Earlier this week I was on the "how big is baby?" page, and I noticed that I am kind of dangerously close to the bottom of it. I still have a few months to go, but I kind of never thought I would get here - to the eggplant stage.

Yep, Charlie weighs over a pound now and is also over a foot long. He'll stay in the eggplant stage for awhile until he becomes a nice big squash.

Here I am this week:

I've decided that red is not my best pregnant color. I normally look awesome in red, but it makes me look like a big ol' blimp these days.

Here's a naked belly shot:

(The mirror was smudged. No stretch marks yet, just veins.)

My belly has started getting in my way. I can no longer do certain things normally; it takes more effort, and I find myself grunting. (Side note: I used to call myself a "grunting cavewoman with acne" back when I was in the first trimester, and it appears I'll be revisiting that very pleasant side of pregnancy once again - sans acne, hopefully.) This is probably the beginning of the uncomfortable stage.

And that makes sense considering that HOLY CRAP, I AM ALMOST IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER.

The third trimester scares me. Being huge and uncomfortable just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to waddle. I don't want to swell. I don't want to deal with insomnia any more than I have this entire pregnancy. But it looks like that's what these last few months hold for me.

And then there's the giving birth part. I've actually never really been scared to give birth. I know women have done it since the dawn of the human race, and so I can do it, too. I'm not scared of the pain (yet), but give me some time - I might get there.

What am I scared of? Oh, how about parenting? I am scared to death of it. I'm scared of breastfeeding. I'm scared of changing diapers. I'm scared of baby vomit. I'm scared of having to make decisions about things like circumcision, vaccinations, childcare, etc. It all just freaks me out, man.

But you know what I feel the most?

Love. I already love him so much. Feeling his kicks, hearing his heartbeat, watching him make my tummy move - he is so undeniably a part of me, and since his very beginning back in September, he's been preparing to make his entrance into the world. This means that right when I give birth to him, I'll be letting go of him - not a lot, just a tiny bit.

Pregnancy has been one huge lesson in letting go. I've had to let go of my pre-pregnancy body (and I wish I would have been better about embracing its imperfections). I've had to let go of the notion that I can do everything and be the same person I was before I got pregnant - physically, mentally, and emotionally, it just isn't possible. And I've had to let go of the nagging "what if" voice that lives in the back of my mind - What if he's not healthy? What if I miscarry? What if I have post-partum depression? What if this? What if that? (The "what if" voice can never be completely silenced. I still deal with it every day. But I have learned not to let it control me.)

I guess it's only appropriate that I learn how to let go now, because as soon as he is born, the time will start flying, and next thing I'll know, he'll be laughing, crawling, eating solids, walking, going to kindergarden, graduating from high school, getting married... And I won't be able to keep him safe. It's not like I can even really keep him safe now. I mean, I do what I need to do to take care of him, but there are so many things that are out of my control. I think that's the really scary part, knowing that no matter what you do right, it's not always a guarantee that things will turn out right.

It sounds a bit silly and premature to be talking about such things when I haven't even given birth to Charlie yet, but with great love comes great risk. I don't need to give birth to him to know that I love him. I don't need to give birth to him to know that I'm his mother and he's my son. I just did, and he just was, right from the beginning. And right from the first positive pregnancy test, there was that potential for great happiness as well as the possibility of overwhelming devastation. The closer I get to meeting him for the first time, the higher the stakes become. It's really fucking scary sometimes.

But pregnancy is also the best thing I've ever done, and it has been worth every one of the 25,000 emo tears I have shed in the last six months. I truly can't wait for the challenge of parenthood.

Today I am 25 weeks pregnant, and I love my son Charlie.

Notes from the Universe: 2

2009-02-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

Here's the thing, Leslie. Admission into time and space requires a belief in limits: a belief that both time and space are real; that you can therefore have and have-not; that love can be lost or found; and that you are what your physical senses show you and no more.

These illusions immediately lead you to believe that you are incomplete. Yet, far from indicating you are flawed, they reveal your brilliance by filling you with desire, igniting your emotions, fueling your passions, and catapulting you out into the world where journeys are begun, connections are made, and dreams come true... only to be replaced by new dreams as your divine sense of incompleteness persists.

This is by design, Leslie. Feeling incomplete does not make you so. It's how legends are born, giants are made, and history is written. It's why you're here. To ever so briefly escape your true identity as you live with an unquenchable thirst that will lead into adventures of grandeur, discovery, and a realization that love is all there is.

Your trusty accomplice,
The Universe

I needed to read this today.

Ouch.

2009-02-11T21:01:00.000-08:00

So I had an appointment with my massage therapist today. And this is what he did to me:

After trying a long time to work out a particularly stubborn sore spot (that was huge), he pulled out the big guns: a flame and a small glass container. He used these things to create a vacuum, which in turn he stuck on my back, which gave me giant hickies. And it was really! really! painful! But it got rid of the sore spot. I'm all good now. Please don't call the cops on my massage therapist - kthnxbai.

In other news, I woke up this morning feeling like a brand spankin' new woman! Thanks for all the cold remedy suggestions. In the end, I ended up taking a bath, eating some homemade turkey soup, and going to sleep. And that apparently did the trick.

So yeah, I'm on the mend. I'll have giant hickies for at least a week, but hey, I haven't gone through a whole box of Kleenex since yesterday. Awesome.

Cold remedies, anyone?

2009-02-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am on day five of the World's Nastiest Cold. It looked like it was getting better, but today I literally feel as if my eyes are on fire, my ribs are broken (since they are bruised from sneezing), and my nose is going to fall off if I blow it one more time. Being as I am limited on what I can take, I could really use some good old-fashioned cold remedies. I need to kick this cold's ass by this weekend, so that Roy and I can actually enjoy our trip up north.

Here's what I'm already doing:

drinking fluids
taking Zicam
douching my nose with saline
using a humidifier at night
using Breathe Right strips at night (I should use these during the day; they are so awesome!)
taking warm baths
trying to take it easy (which isn't really working)

Do any of you have any ideas? I'm open to pretty much anything (within reason) at this point.

In other words, I'm dying. Help me!

24 weeks

2009-02-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

I am 24 weeks pregnant. It has been an incredibly stressful week. But I am glad to have reached this milestone (24 weeks) because it is generally considered to be the point of viability. The baby now has a chance to live outside of the womb should he choose to come early. However, he still really needs to grow for at least another 14 weeks or so.

Viability has been on my mind in a major way for awhile now. It's been a tough pregnancy week (more on my own pregnancy woes later) - two people I know (one of whom I am particularly close to) have been dealing with pregnancy loss. While I have never personally experienced pregnancy loss, I know that it must be one of the difficult things that life can throw at a person. I know this because having been pregnant for 24 weeks now, I know what can be lost. It doesn't matter how early the miscarriage is - it is still a tragic loss. Because the instant the pregnancy test comes up positive, a woman is transformed into a mother. She does everything in her power to take care of her baby. And sometimes the universe offers nothing but cruelty in return. That's why I'm asking for prayers, good wishes, healing vibes, and whatever other good stuff you've got for my two friends. I think they would appreciate them, and I know I would, too.

Here I am this week:

I look awful in this picture. I'm not exactly a vision of beauty because I have the world's nastiest cold. However, the frog boxers will hopefully make up for the sick face. This picture was taken in Charlie's room. The wallpaper was taken down today; now it's time to finalize paint colors.

I've started noticing a pattern when it comes to the kiddo. Every six weeks or so, he seems to decide that he needs to give his mom a heart attack or seven. Apparently Monday was the perfect day for one. Shortly after showing up for work that morning, I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding. (Like so many other pregnant women, I am a compulsive toilet paper checker.) It wasn't a lot of blood, but it was enough to really scare me. I immediately called my OB and spoke with one of the nurses. She asked if I'd been feeling the baby move - I hadn't, which is normal for me, considering the anterior placenta and all. She told me to drink some juice to get him moving, to monitor the bleeding, and to go to L&D if I hadn't felt movement in an hour.

So I sat in my office, drank my juice, and waited to feel him move. And waited. And waited. In my mind I knew that it was normal for me to not feel him for long stretches of time, but my emotions won over. I cried a lot. Obviously I was imagining the worst. Then I went back to the bathroom to check on things and noticed more blood, and even though it hadn't been quite an hour since I'd had the juice, I left work and drove to the hospital.

I checked myself into L&D, and Roy showed up soon after. Of course, Charlie decided to give me a big strong kick after I got into the hospital gown and settled in the bed. So by the time the nurse came in to assess the situation, I was feeling much calmer. She monitored both of us for a couple of hours; I got to listen to the wooshing of Bunlet's constant movement. It made me sad to realize how little of his movements I actually feel; I'm hoping to feel more as he gets bigger, but for now I am very resentful of my placenta being anterior.

I never did get an explanation for the bleeding, which stopped on its own. There were some theories thrown out there, one being that Charlie might actually be kicking the placenta and making me bleed as a result, but nothing really definite. I was released and could have gone back to work. Instead, I opted to go home. I crawled in bed and slept for a long while.

So I think I'm good on pregnancy scares for another six weeks or so.

I also had my monthly OB appointment Thursday. I'm actually up six pounds from my last visit, giving me a grand total of nine pounds gained so far. Not too bad. I was pleased to hear I'd gained some weight. Although I have in no way been starving myself or Charlie, I felt like I wasn't gaining enough. My OB reported that the mass in my uterus is indeed a fibroid, which is what I suspected, but this is nothing to be concerned about. We talked a bit about the bleeding, and he checked my cervix for signs of premature dilation and pre-term labor. I'm happy to report that my cervix is sealed up nice and tight, so our little guy can feel free to grow. I did have another bleeding episode today, although this time it was just spotting and cleared up right away. It is never fun to see blood while being pregnant, but my OB told me that it's nothing to freak out about unless it's happening all the time, is accompanied by contractions, or is heavy.

I also had a tooth extracted this week. It wasn't too bad at all; I think the worst thing about it was the shot and my worry over having dental work done while being pregnant. The recovery has been super easy, only some mild discomfort here and there. I am so grateful for a painless recovery because it seems that nothing else this week has been easy.

All this "excitement" has clearly had an impact on me, as I got sick yesterday with a nasty cold. Today I am functional, which I am grateful for. I am pretty far behind on everything from being stressed and sick, so here's hoping next week is better.

To bring some balance into the picture, today Roy and I were both able to see our little guy kicking from the outside. What a surreal and beautiful experience. I was worried that I wouldn't experience this due to the anterior placenta, but as it turns out, this milestone is happening right on time.

Ugh.

2009-02-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

After the week from hell, I now find myself sick. Disgustingly, miserably sick. So sick I need to strap a humidifier to my face and hope that maybe, just maybe, it'll unclog my left nostril. So sick I need a robot just for the sole purpose of wiping the snot that is dripping out of my nose. That kind of sick.

To look on the bright side, I am 24 weeks pregnant today. I've got a post related to that in the works, but it's kind of hard to type too much with a humidifier strapped to one's face.

Ya know?

Project 365: January Favorites

2009-01-31T20:09:00.000-08:00

I started a 365 project at the beginning of the year. Basically, it's just an exercise in discipline. So I've been taking at least one photo a day and will hopefully continue to do so for the rest of the year (even though they don't get uploaded every day). Some of them are good, some of them are not so good, but here are my favorites from the month:

You can see all of them here.

Pictures I Haven't Blogged, Stories I Haven't Told

2009-01-31T06:16:00.000-08:00

My life really isn't all that exciting. I still document it, though. Here are some pictures/stories that didn't make it onto the blog during the month of January.

Cats!

Over breakfast one morning:

A nice long walk on MLK, Jr. Day:

A cup and saucer from my niece's new tea set:

Cheeky Charlie, a get-well-soon gift for my mother-in-law, who recently had surgery:

From a recent visit to a local antique store:

One of my favorite friends from childhood, found in a box in the garage:

A piece of our house and a whole lot of blue sky:

Our yard sale:

All you need is...

A very blurry Cerby:

Our "love wall," which we hung up the other weekend:

Sweet stray kitty:

Walking around downtown one night:

Let the insanity begin...

2009-01-30T17:01:00.000-08:00

I've been really good about not buying baby stuff. The biggest thing I had bought up until recently was the moby wrap (on sale, of course). But lately I've found such great bargains online that I couldn't help but scoop up some baby gear.

Like this Bumble Bag...

(I originally ordered it in blue paisley from babysteals, but I ended up with pink paisley. I received the bag today, and it is functional, huge, and beautiful.)

And this Micralite Fastfold stroller:

(On sale on the Mamabargains site today for a very reasonable price - wow! We got ours in black, although I was pretty drawn to the red.)

And these cute little T-shirts:

(I ordered these on sale from babysteals, but you can find them on Kee-Ka. The shirts also came in today. All the women in my office were squealing, and rightfully so!)

People keep telling me to stop buying stuff because there won't be anything left to buy for my shower. Well, I'd like to reassure everyone that there will be plenty of stuff on the registry left over. I just can't let deals like these pass by. Chances are we will have to buy a bunch of stuff ourselves anyway.

Someone at my office said that I can't have a pink diaper bag because I'm having a boy. I am now convinced that everyone in my office is crazy. Since when did I buy the diaper bag for Bunlet? It's for me! What am I gonna do? - hand him the diaper bag and say, "Here ya go, Charlie; now be a good boy and push Mommy in the stroller."

Actually, that does sound like something I'd say.

23 weeks

2009-01-30T06:42:00.000-08:00

Today I am 23 weeks pregnant. I have been entirely too emo all week. Thanks so much for all your support as I make my way through this crazy time - your comments during these weekly posts (as well as your other comments and emails) have really made me feel good.

As it turns out, morphing into a mother is not as easy as buying maternity clothes and reading pregnancy books. As a result, I sometimes feel depressed - but (for the most part) I think of depression as a natural response to change. I'm not about to jump off a building or anything, in case you were wondering.

Totally emo belly shot:

The last shot is an inside joke between me and me (okay, so Roy's in on the joke, too). I'm sure many of you have seen some photographer or another use this cheesy pose in a maternity portrait session - it's the dead horse of cheesy poses out there. Me, I think it's hilarious when I see it come up in a photo (kind of like those selective saturation shots where the whole picture is in black and white and one part of it is in color - sooooooo 90s). Roy and I plan to do our own version of the heart on belly pose in our maternity session (but sweet baby jebus, we will not partake in a selective saturation shot - thank the gods our awesome photographer knows better). I tend to walk around doing the heart pose to random people who I think might appreciate it.

Anyway, enough trash talking. This week I:

1) ate a lot of string cheese (and I mean a lot)
2) sneezed a bunch of times (but at least I don't pee when I sneeze - yet)
3) listened to a tactless co-worker (yes, another one) tell me that it's so great that I look pregnant now and not just fat (it's so good to know that I'm not fat anymore!)
4) received an article about the octuplets via email from someone who wanted to make sure that I wasn't surprised by an extra baby when giving birth (thanks for your concern, guy)
5) worked on our registries (they're coming along!)
6) signed us up for childbirth and breastfeeding classes (Roy was shocked that he would have to attend the breastfeeding class with me.)
7) did a whole lot of research on cloth diapering and making homemade baby food, both of which we intend to do (and both of which elicit lots of eyerolls and heavy sighs from other people)
8) had my follow-up ultrasound for the mass in my uterus area (no news on that yet, but the tech was nice enough to let me look at Bunlet for awhile and print out some new pictures.)
9) booked a babymoon for me and Roy to San Francisco for Valentine's Day weekend (I am so excited!)
10) made some good headway in cleaning out the extra bedroom, allowing us to set up baby's first bookshelf (the goal is to have the room painted by the end of February - I will be in the third trimester at that point.)

And now for a humorous anecdote:

I walked into the restroom at work the other day, and the department manager (DM) was in there. Here's what happened:

DM: Oh, Leslie, I have something kind of uncomfortable to talk to you about.
L: Um, okay. What's going on?
DM: Well, Derrik wants me to bring in a stethoscope so that he can listen to your baby's heartbeat.
L: Yeah, he already told me that, and I sent him a digital file of the baby's heartbeat a couple of months ago.
DM: Well, that was really nice of you. I don't see why that wouldn't be good enough. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to bring in the stethoscope then, huh?
L: Uh, no, I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
DM: Yeah, that's probably a sexual harassment complaint waiting to happen.

Gee, ya think?!

I swear, the place I work is full of crazies. It's so comforting to know that my DM needed me to tell her that Derrik's request was inappropriate. What a world.

Rite of Passage

2009-01-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't been in the best place lately. Life is... complicated. Very overwhelming. And kind of lonely. Lots of happy moments, of course, but this sense of sadness that I can't shake. I was pretty busy at work today, which kept me from thinking much about things. And then I went and got a much-needed haircut afterwards. I won't say it made me feel like a million bucks, but it was a vast improvement.

I took my normal route home, listening to music as usual. I was driving down a semi-lit street that I'm pretty familiar with, when all of a sudden a black and white flash ran right out in front of me. It was a cat. I slammed on my brakes, but you guessed it....

It was too late. I heard two thumps under my car, and I immediately freaked out and burst into tears. I turned the car around and drove slowly back the way I came.

No cat in sight. Still sobbing, I parked the car and got out and walked around a bit. No cat.

This was horrific to me, not being able to find the cat. I so desperately wanted to find it and see if it had a collar on. I wanted to notify its owner and tell them how much I suck for running over their pet. All I could think of was how bad it would be for this cat's owner.

It reminded me of our family dog Ginger. She was the most awesome dog in the world, but she had one weakness: chasing cars. One day she decided to run out to the road as this gigantic diesel truck was coming, and she got hit. She was just lying there in the road afterwards, and we all ran out to her. I petted her gently, because it was obvious she was in so much pain. My mom took her to the vet, where she died during the middle of the night. It hit us all really hard, because we loved her so damn much.

I was twelve years old when that happened. But still, every time I think of Ginger, I tear up. Because she was an amazing dog who left us far too soon.

To think that I probably killed someone's beloved pet makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Although I did what I could to avoid that tragic end, I still hate that I am the cause of that pain. I am really not happy with myself tonight.

When I got home, I was greeted by three lovely kitties, all of whom were so happy to see me. Me, the cat murderer. I went into the bedroom and cried some more. Not just over the cat, but over all the other completely unfair things in this world. Over loss and sadness and tragedy. Over how easily things can be taken away. Over the death of the sweetest dreams. I cried because I feel so damn helpless sometimes. Because I want things to be right for the people I love. Because there's absolutely nothing I can do to make their pain go away. Because some things that happen just aren't right.

I don't know why I titled this post what I did, but it just seemed right. I guess sadness is always a rite of passage, a trial which we are forced to bear. Sometimes there's a happy ending.

And sometimes, there's just an ending.

In Search of a Better Me

2009-01-27T19:55:00.000-08:00

A List of Thoughts

1) I find myself tonight in a whirlwind of self-evaluation. What makes me tick; what motivates me? How could I be better? Does anyone else gaze at themselves so critically?

2) I just want to be a better person. I'm just so far from being the person I want to be, but oddly, sometimes I am completely satisfied with who I am and the way I handle things. Is this inner conflict a human quality, or is it just my quality?

3) Sometimes I just don't understand other people, and that makes me want to pigeonhole them and perhaps make them into something they aren't. People in turn do this to me. It's never fair. No wonder we all just can't get along.

4) I decided recently that I was going to try to work on some of my bad habits, and well, the process hasn't been easy. Let's just say that quitting smoking was far easier than breaking these mental and emotional addictions. But I don't want to do things that make me feel negative. I want to be a positive force in the world.

5) The best thing to do when you're feeling a little down and out is to call someone you love. So tonight I did just that. I spoke with my mother-in-law, and then I talked to Myra. For some reason it was them I wanted to talk to; I obeyed the instinct of wanting to hear their voices and am glad I did. And then Roy and I talked a lot over dinner, and as usual, he worked wonders for my tired ol' soul. Now I'm here, talking to cyberland, which is both a void and an overflow.

6) I guess I do have a lot to say and have been feeling slightly lonely lately, even though I don't lack for loved ones or good conversation. It's nice to talk, even if all that comes out is Leslie-babble.

7) This is how I feel tonight. Tomorrow it could be totally different. That's the beauty of this wild unpredictability, this crazy life.

Guten Tag!

2009-01-26T19:15:00.000-08:00

I got tagged by phairhead to post ten truths about myself that I have not yet blogged about. Thanks, phairhead! I'm not big on tags and stuff, but I'm at home feeling kind of sneezy, so what the hell.

1) I love picking my nose. Now, before you freak out, it's not like I walk around with my finger up my nose. But if there's a goober in there that the Kleenex can't get, I don't mind discreetly digging it out with one of my cute little digits. The best boogers are the dry ones that stick to the inside of my nose - love!

2) I have about 115 credits on PaperBackSwap, which means that I am eligible to receive 115 books. I've started ordering books for the kiddo, but it will take awhile to deplete my stash of credits (a good thing).

3) I don't think I'm very interesting. I often think how cool it'd be to be someone like dooce and to be super duper popular, but I'm just not that girl. And when it comes down to it, I don't think I could handle the popularity anyway. I like anonymity. I'm a lurker by nature (online, anyway).

4) I collect links. I star things in my Google Reader that appeal to me and often never reference most of them again. I bookmark tons of links and then never use most of them. Every once in awhile, I go through my bookmarks and it's like Christmas.

5) I would love to photograph the inside of people's homes. I am pretty fascinated by the way others keep their houses.

6) I would love to be a professional snoop. I don't snoop in real life, which is probably why I do so much snooping (lurking) online. Yeah, I sound creepy.

7) I could fit in a highchair with the tray on when I was 18. I'd love to see if I still could. The end result might depress me, though.

8) I took dance lessons/classes for thirteen years, from age five to eighteen. Even though it's been a long, long while since I've performed, I still miss it.

9) I often wonder if I have what it takes to succeed. I have always had big dreams, but it seems that I just lack discipline. Because of this, I wonder what matters more: talent or diligence?

10) It took me all of ten seconds to come up with the (lame) title for this post. Here, have a picture for your troubles.

So, now you all know what a nose-picking, boring, stalking wannabe dancer I am. But at least I could still fit in a highchair when I was 18. That counts for something.

22 weeks

2009-01-24T21:46:00.000-08:00

Friday marked the day I turned 22 weeks pregnant. It was another good week with a decent amount of energy and many people telling me how good I look (which does wonders for this pregnant woman's ego). I'm feeling the kiddo kicking on a regular basis, and let me tell you, it just never gets old. I miss feeling him move when he's silent, although many women have told me that I will soon be wishing for him not to be moving so much.

We had a very nice moment on Thursday night. I was lying on the couch, and Roy started reading a Beatrix Potter story to Bunlet. Right away Bunlet kicked me with all his might and kept kicking as Roy kept reading. It was pretty perfect. We are both so smitten with our little guy, who seems to just love books and music like we do.

This week was also characterized by some very strange and vivid dreams, one of which had to do with Bunlet ending up being a girl. On Monday I have my follow-up ultrasound, so let's just say that I'll be asking the tech to confirm that he is indeed a boy. I don't feel that my dream is some kind of prophecy, but we never really did get a great money shot during our big ultrasound. It'd be nice to get one this time around.

Here I am this week:

I look so tired in this picture.

For some reason, the Nest has decided that the entirety of month 5 will be represented by a papaya. I guess they ran out of fruits to compare the baby to. So I guess by the end of month 5, Bunlet will be the size of a much bigger papaya than the smaller papaya size he is now.

So, I said earlier that it was a good week, and it was. But still, I need to do some venting. So here goes.

VENT #1:

I hate registering.

I hated registering for our wedding, and I hate registering for baby stuff. Yes, it's fun to pick out sheets and a stroller and all that other fun baby stuff. But I had no clue how hard it really would be. I had no flipping idea that in choosing what products you want for your baby, you're kind of making....eep....parenting choices. Will you buy a swing, a jumper, a gym, a stationary play station? Will you use disposable or cloth diapers? Will you use chlorine-free baby wipes? Will you formula feed or breastfeed? Will you use a bumper in the crib? Will you co-sleep? Will you be a baby-wearer? Will you sentence your baby to a life of macho aggression if you buy him blue washcloths?

It is overwhelming. Of course I had given consideration to many of these questions before registering, but still: there's so much that I just. don't. know.

Roy and I spent about five hours in Babies R Us this week. What a place. It's supposed to make things easier for you, but in all reality, it makes things much harder. I think choices are great and all, but this store is just chock full of too many. The handy registry guide is not really all that helpful, considering that it contains a list of "must have" items which are really not "must have." Because don't you know that one baby needs a travel system, a jogging stroller, and an umbrella stroller? That baby needs an armoire, a dresser, a changing table, a chair, an ottoman, and a crib? Oh, and don't forget the lamp, the rug, the window valance, the mobile, the toy box, the diaper stacker, the hamper, and the trash can!

Babies are a business just like anything else, apparently. And we've managed to somewhat put a registry together, but oh, there is still work to be done. Cleaning up the registry online has been a much more positive experience. It's going to take awhile to get everything all neat and tidy. Good thing we have a month or so until the shower invites go out!

VENT #2:

It is not okay to criticize the way I handle my pregnancy or anything having to do with it.

This week a co-worker walked by my office, saw my cheesesteak sandwich, and asked, "May I ask why you're eating that?"

I told her I was hungry, and she proceeded to tell me that she gained a lot of weight at the end of her pregnancy and that I really need to watch what I eat and blah blah blah. I finally told her that I appreciated her advice but "it's my body."

Once she left, I was absolutely fuming. To imply that I was doing something terrible because I was eating something that she wouldn't eat was a crappy thing for her to do. Later on, she came back and told me that a great way to deal with cravings was to eat nuts. Since when did my lunch become some irrational pregnant craving for which I should apologize?

Unfortunately, this was not an isolated incident. Once you're pregnant, it becomes everyone's business, apparently. It's a lot like getting married, when people ask, "Are you sure you want to do this? My dirty rat of an ex-husband cheated on me with all of my friends." Only this time the implication is that I am somehow already failing at motherhood.

Don't get me wrong: I appreciate good advice, but I usually ask for it if I want it. I don't need to be torn down for my choices. I don't appreciate someone gasping over the fact that I may have a caffeinated beverage. I don't appreciate the spouting off of medical studies that I haven't even read about why I should avoid this food or that food. And I sure as hell don't appreciate someone talking about my weight, unless, of course, they want to express admiration for what a MILF I am. Why is any of this acceptable? Just because I'm pregnant does not mean that my body and what I put into it or do to it is anyone's flipping concern.

Yes, I drink caffeinated soda.
Yes, I eat candy and other things that are "bad" for me.
Yes, I have travelled by plane.
Yes, I ingest all kinds of food with soy in it.
Yes, I eat deli meat.
Yes, I eat soft cheeses if they are pasteurized.
Yes, I take Tylenol or Benadryl if I really need to.
Yes, I have even taken Ambien on one occasion.
Yes, I take hot baths.
Yes, I get pedicures.
Yes, I get massages.
Yes, I get my hair highlighted.
Yes, I have done some moderate lifting of things.
Yes, the dental hygienist numbed me a bit when she cleaned my teeth.
Yes, I had an X-ray.
Yes, I am even going to have some oral surgery in a couple of weeks.
Yes, I do all these things - and some more I've forgotten, I'm sure - but I do them in moderation.

But guess what? I also have a balanced diet, go walking almost every day, drink water, take prenatal vitamins, and try to take it easy when my body lets me know that it's time to do so. I don't smoke, drink, or use drugs. I don't go skydiving or parasailing or crowd surfing. I don't do heavy cleaning without a mask, and I won't participate in the peeling off the wallpaper and painting of Bunlet's room without said mask, if at all. But I made a choice not to live this pregnancy in a bubble. I make educated choices about the things I do, and I consult my doctor or another reliable source if I have questions.

The bottom line is that the only people who really need to have input into any of this pregnancy business are me, Roy, and my doctor. I am the research queen, and I knew a whole lot about pregnancy before I even got pregnant. I figured I'd be one of those people who would cut out all possibly questionable things during pregnancy, but as it turns out, this pregnancy has turned into an "everything in moderation" type of deal. And I am not going to feel guilty about that.

So I've decided that I will start handing out my doctor's business card to anyone who has "concerns" about my pregnancy.

So those are my vents for week 22. Obviously, my co-worker's comment really bothered me. But I'm trying hard to remember that this is good preparation for when Bunlet is actually born, because I know that's when the real "advice" is going to start. Gee, I can't wait for that.

Hope

2009-01-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

It's something we never seem to lose, no matter how downtrodden we are, but it's nice to have more of it.

Today begins a long, hopeful journey for our nation. I believe that healing is possible.

Hopefully President Obama will pick up a copy of this book of letters from youngsters and follow the advice contained within:

“If I were president, I would help all nations, even Hawaii." -- Chad Timsing, age 9, Los Angeles

“I really hope you put America back together. No pressure though." -- Sheenie Shannon Yip, age 13, Seattle

"1. Fly to the White House in a helicopter. 2. Walk in. 3. Wipe feet. 4. Walk to the Oval Office. 5. Sit down in a chair. 6. Put hand sanitizer on hands. 7. Enjoy moment. 8. Get up. 9. Get in car. 10. Go to the dog pound." -- Chandler Browne, age 12, Chicago

And, while it wasn't advice, exactly, we thought this was worth sharing:

"You are just like a big me." -- Avante Price, age 7, Seattle

Thanks and have fun running the country!

Happy Inauguration Day!

21 weeks

2009-01-20T06:30:00.000-08:00

Note: This post was written for Friday, January 16.

I am 21 weeks pregnant today! I've got a little Bunlet banana boy inside of me.

I got my weekly pregnancy email this past weekend letting me know that this would probably be one of the best weeks of my entire pregnancy. That email was right. I've been feeling great, and I've had lots of energy. I could use some more sleep (as usual), but I'm convinced that the pregnancy-related insomnia is probably here to stay, unfortunately.

Here I am this week:

For some reason I thought this week of pregnancy would be uneventful. I was completely wrong. So much has been happening! (So get ready for a long post.)

In list form:

1) Nesting. This past week I was seized with the uncontrollable urge to get everything organized and cleaned. You may recall that we moved into our new house back in November, and of course we are not entirely settled in yet. Now that I'm halfway through my pregnancy and I know we'll be bringing home a baby in five months or less, I am a cleaning, organizing, purging machine. We had a yard sale last weekend and spent the entire rest of the weekend getting things put in their proper place.

I have to say, I have no idea how we ended up with so much stuff. I feel a little ashamed at our excess, but we're doing our part to downsize and make do with only the necessities and things we absolutely love.

2) Babbling. I no longer know how to form a coherent sentence. In the past couple of weeks, I've said things like "living coexistfully" and "big bowl of bubble wrap" (instead of "big roll of bubble wrap"). One night Roy asked me if I wanted something to drink, and I said, "Yes! I want that...what is it? You know what I mean! That stuff!" Poor Roy was as bewildered as I was - finally, I yelled out "GREEN CAN!", hoping he would know that I meant ginger ale.

And that's not all. On Wednesday night, I was eating dinner, and I told Roy, "This fork doesn't cut too well." Again, the poor bewildered face of Roy, and still I kept saying, "This fork isn't cutting well." Finally, I realized that what I actually meant was "knife."

Oh, brain, I miss you.

3) Pregnancy brain. I think that #2 is part of this. My memory is pretty terrible now, and I make silly mistakes. I sent an email to my boss requesting to have a couple of hours off on 9/22 when I meant 1/22. One of the attorneys I work with asked me to make a phone call requesting some information, and I wrote down all the pertinent info. I just didn't make the phone call, and she ended up making it herself.

And those are just two examples. I'd give you more, but I can't remember them.

4) Leg cramps. I've been woken up a couple of nights this week with severe leg cramps. No fun.

5) Sneezing. I do this a lot. I have actually been sneezing quite a bit throughout my pregnancy, but it's gotten worse lately. I'm sure the winds don't help.

6) Cravings. These are out of control. Most people tend to ask if I crave strange things, but my cravings are for normal foods, not for strange combinations. This week, it's been popcorn, Doritos, cookies, and milkshakes (notice a theme here?). Last week, it was Sour Patch Kids.

In addition to the cravings, I am hungry much more often than I used to be. Either Bunlet or I (or both) of us may be going through a growth spurt, because about an hour after I've eaten a meal, I'm hungry again. I am thankful that I'm one of those people who knows when to stop when it comes to food; otherwise, I'd probably be a fat cow by now.

7) Gingivitis. Unfortunately, I'm one of the many women who develops gingivitis during pregnancy. I have always had a shitty set of teeth (yay! genetics!) so this was no surprise to me. I visited the dentist this week to inspect one of my teeth (the crown fell off last week - how horrifically white trash) and to have a cleaning done. It was relatively painless, but of course I wasn't shocked to find out that I do need to have some dental work done - but most of it, if not all of it, can wait until after Bunlet is born.

8) Pre-pregnancy pants. The light of possibility shone down on me Wednesday morning as I got dressed for work. I saw one of my favorite pairs of pre-pregnancy pants hanging in the closet and decided to give them a whirl, even though I gave up wearing them when I was 13 weeks.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I was able to button them up and wear them that day! They fit pretty well under my belly, and I walked into work feeling like an absolute rock star. I had to take a picture, of course.

(This picture makes me look like I just have a large, white stomach that is big just for the sake of being big. Which is awesome.)

All was wonderful in pre-pregnancy pants land, and then I ate lunch. And apparently everything expanded, because the next thing I knew, I was rushing for the bathroom, bella band in hand, so that I could unbutton my pants and leave them that way for the rest of the day.

It was fun while it lasted.

9) Movement. Yes, we can feel our little guy moving around! Remember when I said I had felt some small explosions in my belly last week? Well, that was him, but I wasn't certain of it at the time. I became pretty sure during my dentist appointment. I was listening to my iPod, and I put one of the earbuds on my tummy. Right away, I felt something similar to gas. Before bed that night, I tried it again with the music, and I got an immediate (and strong) reaction. I summoned Roy into the room and had him put his hand on my belly, and sure enough, Bunlet kicked and Roy was able to feel it!

It is a very cool thing to experience; it definitely makes my pregnancy feel more real and exciting. Since that night, I've been feeling him kick and punch more regularly, and it always makes me smile. It's like I have my own little secret. I often wish that I had a window into my uterus so that I could see what he's doing in there.

10) First stranger comment. Yep, someone who didn't know I was pregnant beforehand commented on my belly. It was cool to know that my belly is looking more like a baby belly and less like a beer belly.

And that's all for this week...

The Laramie Project

2009-01-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

I watched The Laramie Project today. We've had the movie at home for weeks, gathering dust by the TV, and I've often asked Roy if he wanted to watch it.

"Too depressing," he said.

And that's true. It's the story of Matthew Shepard and the hate crime committed against him in October 1998. It's not exactly light and fun. But in the spirit of what today stands for, I decided to watch it. And I'd recommend it.

The most emotional part was the dramatization of Dennis Shepard's (Matthew's father) speech, which can be heard in the video below:

The full text of the speech can be found here. It's definitely worth a read.

At the risk of sounding trite, I'll say this: I will never forget Matthew Shepard or his legacy of social justice and equality.

I have a dream.

2009-01-19T09:57:00.000-08:00

"We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children."

-MLK, Jr.-

I read MLK Jr.'s famous "I have a dream" speech this morning. Considering all that has happened in relation to Prop 8, I consider this speech to be particularly applicable to our time. I don't suppose there's ever an end to social injustice and inequality, but it sure is nice to dream about, isn't it?

Yesterday I had a casual conversation with a lesbian couple I know. After much deliberation about where to spend their lives, they decided to stay right here, at least for awhile.

"After all, "said my friend L, "California is probably the best place for domestic partnerships."

That simple sentence struck me pretty deeply, as I realized that these two, like so many, are limited to where they can go because of their sexual orientation. This is something Roy and I have never had to discuss; it's just never been a consideration for us since we're on the "right side of normal."

It saddens me that people can't live where they want to for fear of having what little rights they have taken away. What saddens and angers me even more is that there will always be people who will be okay with denying others their rights.

My thoughts today are for the future. For tolerance. For possibility. For acceptance. For justice.

But even when these things are nowhere to be seen, we still have our dreams.

(Thanks, MLK Jr.)

The world is a heavy place.

2009-01-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

I had my 21 week post all planned out and written for today, but I'm not going to post it right now. Perhaps I'll post it next week or sometime when I'm feeling more up to it.

I don't think I'll ever completely understand the way the world works. I believe in balance in the universe, but sometimes I don't see much evidence of that. And that is incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking. It makes me feel, well, heavy. Like there are a million cement blocks stacked on top of me. Like I'm trying to walk with a gravestone chained to my ankle.

I'm tired of tragic things happening to people I love and even to people I barely know. Things have happened this week that should not have happened, ever. It's not fair or right.

That's all.

(PS - I'm fine, and the baby's fine - but on an emotional level, things could be better. I realize I'm being cryptic, but that is unavoidable right now.)

School Days, Booklust

2009-01-15T14:57:00.000-08:00

So on Monday I started school again. Well, kind of. I'm taking an online French class and will be doing some work (hopefully, a lot) on my thesis. I don't have to actually attend classes on campus, which is awesome, because going up to campus totally kicked my ass last quarter.

Actually, the whole quarter kicked my ass, which makes me wonder if I'm just a bit crazy for continuing on with this school thing while being pregnant. But if I could graduate with my MA before Bunlet is born, that would be awesome!

I'm not going to kill myself trying, but it's something that I would like to see happen. So wish me luck. And while you're doing that, have a gander at my gangly toenails that desperately need a pedicure:

Now that you're done staring in awe at my toes, hop on over to our Amazon store to check out some of our wares. We're not even close to done with putting all the books up for sale. It is such a huge project and will take awhile to get each title listed. I'm happy to say, though, that we've had about twenty orders since getting started last week.

We are so not in this for the money. We just want to get rid of these books. So feel free to buy one or seven if you've got the urge. I will personally call you up and sing, "I Will Always Love You" (Whitney Houston style) if you do so.

Ezekiel 25:17

2009-01-14T19:28:00.001-08:00

The other night I saw this:

And it reminded me of how much I love this:

Particularly this:

So Roy and I sat down and watched the movie, and I had a chocolate shake that wasn't a $5 shake and thought about how awesome it would be to be Samuel L. Jackson.

The end.

Poladroid

2009-01-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

My newest obsession is Poladroid. It's software you can download to make your photos look like authentic Polaroids. While it's not exactly saving Polaroid from extinction, it's a fun little way to make photos a little more interesting.

Here are some of mine:

The cropping doesn't always turn out great, as you can see from Roy's head being cut off in our wedding picture. But he's still cute even with half a head.

There's a Poladroid flickr group here. So get out there and get Poladroiding!

20 weeks

2009-01-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

Halfway there! I can't believe it!

Bunlet is now the size of a cantaloupe.

And I am looking very pregnant. When I look down at my feet, I cannot see them anymore.

(Mao really wanted to be in the picture this week.)

Every day I hear how big my belly is (although the size tends to vary from day to day). And then people tell me that looking at me from the back, I don't look pregnant. This makes me happy. I've been avoiding checking out my ass because I'm afraid to see it spread, so maybe it's still cute.

I have to confess that I am pretty much in love with my pregnant belly. It's not that I think I am particularly attractive or sexy as a pregnant woman, but I just love my belly so much. Roy has gotten to the point where he can't keep his hands off my belly either: it's like a magnetic attraction.

Other notable things:

1) I have an unhealthy obsession with Sour Patch Kids. I freakin' love them! I've always loved them, but I love them even more during pregnancy.

2) All those rumors you hear about things looking different down there when you're pregnant are the absolute truth. I checked myself out the other night and was shocked. Shocked. They don't call it cheeseburger crotch for nothing.

3) We've been given the go-ahead to take down the wallpaper in the spare bedroom and paint the walls. This is a good thing, considering the current wallpaper looks like this:

4) I had my OB visit yesterday, and it went really well. The bottom line is that the doctor sees nothing to indicate that this is anything other than a normal, healthy pregnancy. He said the pain/pressure I felt in Texas was normal stretching of the uterus and nothing to be concerned about (unless accompanied by bleeding, of course). The results of the AFP test that I did at my last appointment were normal.

The mass that was found during our big ultrasound is more than likely a fibroid or another uterine cavity, but either way, it's nothing to be concerned about. I've been scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound later on in the month just so he can have a clearer idea of what it is we're dealing with. If I do have a separate uterine cavity, it increases the chances that I may have to have a C-section because it can force the baby into a breech position. But I am not one of those people who gets freaked out at the thought of having a C-section.

Also, I do have anterior placenta, so the fact that I haven't definitively felt Bunlet move yet is normal. (Although I did feel some very small "explosions" in my tummy last night.) I'm hoping that I'll be able to really feel him soon, if his moving is indeed what I felt. Lastly, I'm up two pounds from my last appointment, which makes my total weight gain so far three pounds.

I'm feeling really good and positive about everything, and I'm really hoping that the second half of this pregnancy will be much less eventful than the first half. I'm a little upset (still) about the way things unfolded in Texas. I feel that we were unnecessarily frightened (by the doctor) by the possibility of losing the baby, and naturally, neither of us appreciates that. But what's done is done and there is nothing I can do about what happened. The thing I always hang onto is that we have a healthy baby on the way. Being pregnant is harder than I ever thought it would be, but every day I am grateful for the journey that will lead us to our Charlie.

Wingspans and Reflections: Day Eight of Our Christmas Vacation

2009-01-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Our last day in Texas was really nice. We got up early for breakfast and headed over to the Guenther House. The Guenther House belongs to the family of the founder of Pioneer Flour Mills and is right down the street from my uncle's house. The food was really wonderful (no pics, sorry), and so was the decor.

I found it immensely entertaining that the majority of the fireplace detail was ears of corn.

I loved the gigantic house made of sweets on display on the second floor.

Some fun facts about the candy house:

Ninety pounds of candy?!

We went to the gift shop on the third floor, and I saw these. They reminded me of someone:

I tried on a chef's hat and discovered that it was a good look for me.

After we'd had our fill of the Guenther House, we came back to Uncle Charles's, where Roy and I began the final stages of packing for our trip home. We had a couple of hours to kill afterwards, so we took a walk.

Roy is my absolute favorite person to walk with; for some reason we always have the absolute best conversations while we're on a walk. That day was no exception. We walked and talked and admired several cranes in flight.

The ducks were endlessly entertaining but not very social.

We drove down to another part of the river and walked around. It was all very quiet and peaceful, a very nice thing to experience at the end of such a hectic trip.

And soon it was off to the airport, where we boarded our flight to Phoenix. For some reason, Roy and I were assigned seats at opposite ends of the plane, but I was able to use my charms to convince the guy who was originally sitting next to me to switch seats with Roy.

I had been feeling good all day (pain/pressure-wise and cold-wise), but the cold symptoms got pretty bad on our flights due to the change in altitude. Once we were back in California, I was feeling pretty crummy. Roy's uncle and grandfather picked us up from the airport and took us home. We were both really happy to be back.

Reflection time:

Our trip was very much a mixed bag. I had really high hopes for it, and it just didn't turn out the way I expected it to. I always tend to forget that family complicates things in unexpected ways. But it was really nice to be able to spend some time with my people, because our time together is always so limited.

I came back from our trip with the notion that in many ways, it seems easier to have a relationship with my family from a distance. There's less dealing with my mom's anxiety; there's less facing of the reality that my dad is not a well man. It's not that I want to live my life in a state of denial, but the distance often helps me to deal with the aspects of my family that are less-than-thrilling, not to mention those parts that are painful.

My time in California, away from my family, has (obviously) yielded a life that is completely separate and totally different from the one I had in Texas. In my late teens and early 20s, before I moved away, I had the distinct feeling that I was not living life on my own terms. I also often felt that there was no real place for me, nowhere that I actually fit in.

I've come to realize that there's probably no perfect place that will fit a person exactly as they need to be fitted every moment. But there are people who fit you. They're like a favorite pair of old jeans, a comfy sweater, or those days where you can watch the rain fall outside. They're flawed, but ultimately they get you in a way that can never be explained or completely understood. They know you.

People are what make a place home. I've got a home in Texas, and I've got a home in California. I've got two families, neither of which is perfect, and frankly, I love them despite (and because of) their imperfections.

But it's love that makes things so damn hard. It's love that makes my heart ache for my mom when she's away (even though I know she will drive me crazy the next time we see each other). It's love that makes me think of my dad and wonder if he'll remember my name the next time we see each other (even though I know he will probably say something thoughtless that will hurt my feelings). I cannot divorce myself of this love any more than I can separate myself from the place I grew up. I cannot stop the pain that comes from loving other people so much, and I cannot escape the problematic past I left behind in Texas when I moved away years ago.

To think that I could come to some sort of peaceful resolution by having every aspect of our Christmas trip fall into place was naive of me. Not because I didn't plan for the unexpected, but because peace is often elusive - it's rare to find oneself standing at the top of the Mountain of Clarity. Life is muddled and complicated, but ultimately this has been one hell of a crazy ride that I want to experience for many years to come, dysfunctional families and overwhelming love and all.

Spork it!

2009-01-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

I've been going through drafts of my unpublished blog posts, and I found this one. Only 24 more drafts of posts left to complete!

I found out about this quiz from Alejna.

You Are a Spork

You have a playful, eccentric sense of humor.

You are creative. You see the world in bold colors.

You are a dabbler. You love to experiment.

You aren't an expert in anything, but you know a little about everything.

What Utensil Are You?

She also posted two really cool pictures of giant utensils, one of which I've seen before:

And here's the giant fork, a sight which would be so awesome to experience:

These aren't my pictures, but you can click here to read a little more about them.

And don't forget to tell me which utensil you are! These things really matter!

A River Runs Through It: Day Seven of Our Christmas Vacation

2009-01-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

To continue the Christmas recaps...

I woke up feeling awesome on December 29. Despite developing a cold the day before, I felt pretty good. I was pleased to note that the pain/pressure in my uterus area had subsided a great deal. We went to El Mirador for lunch with my mom and Uncle Charles. I had enchiladas, of course. I didn't take any pictures, but here are a couple pics of the bathroom doors that I took when I ate there back in June:

Who takes pictures of bathroom doors, anyway? Apparently I do.

We went back to my uncle's house to rest. Roy and my mom took naps, my uncle went back to work, and I hopped on the laptop and spent a good amount of time organizing my photos. Would you believe that I've probably taken 5,000 photos in the last year but haven't bothered to organize them? (Actually, I am normally an organizing fool, but this has been one hell of a busy year.) It was cool going through old photos, because I got to find some like this:

I love it! It was taken in November 2007, and I had completely forgotten about it. I love how happy we look.

Once everyone was up and rested, we went out for a bit. My uncle is a big collector of art objects from different countries, so we went to a shop that he frequents. Again, no recent pics, but the shop sold stuff similar to this:

Then we decided to brave the Rivercenter, a mall that is built on the Riverwalk. The only reason I wanted to go was to get a present for Mandy and Paul. It was a dumb decision. The traffic to get there was awful because of some event going on at the Alamodome. Some of the streets were closed down, and we ended up having to get on the freeway due to lack of options.

It's a freeway, right? No big deal, right? But if you remember, nothing is simple with my mom at the wheel. You might as well tell her the world is ending. You'd get a similar reaction.

It was so frustrating trying to get my mom to understand that being on the freeway and going the wrong way for a short while wasn't really such a terrible thing. I told her many times (calmly, to my credit) to get off the freeway and to turn around, and she finally did - but not after much nail-biting, fretting, and swerving (yes, swerving!).

We pulled into the Rivercenter parking garage and parked. Hooray. Success.

The mall was a mess of people. I hate crowds, truly. After picking the perfect gift for Mandy and Paul, the three of us sat outside for a brief moment until it got too cold. The Riverwalk is especially gorgeous at Christmastime.

We inched home (through tons and tons of traffic). It was nuts. My mom was a bit on the stressed side, but she handled herself much better (probably because we weren't on the freeway). Once back at my uncle's house, we hung out. And I took photos - really distorted and sometimes overexposed photos.

Yes, those are my crazy eyes (in the first picture).

And that was our day. Not terribly exciting, but after all the "excitement" that came before, it was a nice day - very wonderful to be feeling like myself again. I'll take my mom's anxiety over a hospital visit any day.

Final recap coming soon!

Charles Jacob

2009-01-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

We've given our Bunlet an uber-traditional name.

We decided back during the summer (when my uncle Charles was really sick) that if we ever had a boy, we'd name him Charles after him. My uncle Charles has been a very positive force in my life, and there really is no better way to honor him. We were pretty set on Tate as a middle name, but once we found out for sure that Bunlet was a boy, Tate didn't feel right anymore. On the plane ride to Texas, it hit me. I woke Roy up and said, "Charles Jacob!"

Jacob is Roy's brother's name, and they have always had a good relationship. We finally told Jake the news tonight, and here was his reaction:

We feel happy knowing that our Bunlet's got a good name with which to enter into the world. It'll serve him well on the playground and on resumes. It's not hard to pronounce or spell, so he won't have to be self-conscious about that. Plus, he's named after two awesome guys.

So, it's all settled. Our baby boy is named Charles Jacob.

But actually, we're planning on calling him

My nephew Merlin drew this picture for us:

We're all excited, obviously. This is all still so surreal...but so incredible.

19 weeks

2009-01-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

I feel extremely fortunate to be 19 weeks pregnant today, when just a short week ago I didn't know what the hell was going on with my body, my baby, or my pregnancy. Things have calmed down "down there" - I have no more pressure or pain, which is good. I'll be seeing my OB next week, and we'll discuss what happened while we were in Texas.

Bunlet is now the size of a mango!

I can tell that Bunlet is getting bigger, because I huff and puff when I have to do anything remotely active, like climbing stairs. When Roy and I were in Texas, I went up to the third floor of my uncle's house (lots of stairs!) to talk with my brother, and Roy could hear me gasping for breath down on the first floor. That's hot.

Also, my back tends to start hurting if I'm walking around a lot. I feel old. Old and pregnant. And I still haven't felt movement! I guess what I felt a few weeks ago wasn't really it. I'm bummed that I still haven't experienced Bunlet moving around, but one of the nurses at the Texas hospital told me that she suspects I have anterior placenta. If that is the case, then that explains why I haven't felt movement yet. Or maybe I just haven't felt it because it's still too early. Whatever the case, this is another thing we'll be discussing with the OB next week.

Anyway, here's my belly pic for the week, taken this morning:

Here's a picture of me modeling the Moby wrap that I ordered last week from BabyCenter's huge honkin' sale.

Yeah, that's a stuffed dinosaur. He made a good stand-in baby.

Here's to another week of pregnancy!

Guessing Game Giveaway Winner!

2009-01-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

Nanette, please email me at leslie@bugweb.net to claim your prize!

Thanks to everyone who participated! It was fun.

Keeping It Low Key: Days Five and Six of Our Christmas Vacation

2009-01-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

To continue on with the story of my hospital visit...

I was awakened around 6 AM by a vampiric nurse who took some more blood. I vaguely remember this, because she turned on the very bright light above my bed (which was not a pleasant way to wake up). The OB showed up around 7 AM (and did the same trick with the lights). I don't remember much of what was said, as I had already drifted back into my Ambien-induced sleep. It's a good thing Roy was there.

The bottom line is that everything appeared to be normal and they were going to release me. I slept for awhile longer before being discharged. The nurse wheeled me downstairs and left us outside to wait for my mom to pick us up. It turned out to be quite a wait, so Roy wheeled me around the parking lot and different hospital buildings. Once my mom had picked us up, we decided to go to IHOP for breakfast. I was starving.

We ordered, after our waitress made note of how sad I looked. I guess I was sad, but I was more out of it than anything. I didn't get nearly enough sleep, and if/when you take Ambien, you should get at least eight hours of sleep, or else you feel drugged. I also was still having the pain/pressure, and I know I looked horrible from not brushing my hair or putting on any makeup.

For some reason, once we started eating, I started crying. We left quickly after that and drove out to my mom's house. Roy and I crashed for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling much better, though the pressure/pain was still there. I had a little bit of time to gather some things that I wanted to bring back home with me. Once we'd gathered everything together, I puttered around taking pictures of my mom's cats.

This is Zero, the one who was/is sick.

This is Bilbo and Oreo, who were Riley's litter mates.

And this is Right Tail/Little Kitty.

My mom has one other cat named Annabelle, but I couldn't get a good photo of her.

So we packed up and headed out. We were scheduled to meet my dad for an early dinner. On the way, my mom got pulled over for speeding, but she escaped with just a warning. We made it to the restaurant a few minutes late, and my dad was already there waiting.

It'd been two years since I'd last seen him. He looked good, and I could tell that he recognized me, but when he asked, "Who are you?," it stung a little. Still, we had a good dinner. He was very happy to hear that we're having a little boy. We ended up giving him a ride home and then we left town.

It was, overall, a very disappointing trip to my hometown. I really wanted more from it, but I guess it just wasn't in the cards. In talking with my friend Chris, who was always dying to escape Victoria as a teenager, I began to understand that my feelings about Victoria weren't so strange. It's essentially a place where many people grow up and then never leave. As a result, it's a town full of people who haven't experienced much of what the rest of the world has to offer. Now, I am far from being well-traveled, but I have always wanted more from life than what Victoria has to offer. It strikes me as strange that many people never leave. And I find it rather depressing.

(Oddly, I know plenty of people who have grown up in this area of California and have never lived outside of it, but they seem different than the natives of Victoria. Maybe it's just my perspective on both places.)

Our time in Victoria was so short because we wanted to get back to spend some time with my brother before he went back to Minneapolis the next day. So naturally we were all disappointed when we got back to San Antonio and discovered that my brother had gone out. We waited up as long as we could and then went to bed. It kind of sucked, but them's the breaks, right?

The next day we all hung out and then went out for lunch. I took photos.

I had woken up feeling like I was coming down with something, so Roy and I took it easy for most of the day. I had a crying episode (because I was still having the pain/pressure), which led to a mini-fight between me and my mom, which in turn made me feel even more crappy. I was so upset that I decided not to go along to take my brother to the airport. He seemed to understand when he saw I was crying. Roy and I watched a ton of episodes of Lost, which was totally awesome as usual.

All in all, days four, five, and six really kind of sucked. But things did improve after that.

(Note: Ugh, sorry these recaps are so tedious. I bore myself.)

I Went to My Hometown, and All I Got Was This Stupid Hospital Bracelet: Day Four of Our Christmas Vacation

2009-01-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

This is where things began to go downhill.

The day after Christmas, we woke up early and prepared to leave for my oh-so-boring and oh-so-problematic hometown of Victoria, Texas. My brother had decided to stay in San Antonio while we were gone, because he needed to finish a paper. So Roy, my mom, and I piled into the car for what I thought would be an illuminating visit to the place I grew up. It was to be a short trip. My mom had a sick kitty (yes, another one) she needed to check on, and as for me, my plans for my time in Victoria were big and vast. It would be a lot to cram into a short amount of time, but I had faith that we could do it.

The thing I most wanted to do was document Victoria through photographs and later use them to write a photo essay. It sounds silly, but this was something I felt I absolutely needed to do. I have a very troubled and complicated relationship with my hometown, and I had finally begun to feel that I needed to make some sense of it.

I also wanted to see some of my extended family. I haven't seen most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins in years, and I was looking forward to seeing them and introducing them to Roy.

And lastly, I wanted the opportunity to go through the attic of my mom's house, bring down the things I wanted to keep, and store them in my room. I also wanted to go through my grandmother's quilting and bring home some of her unfinished projects.

As it turned out, none of these things happened.

But wait, that was the day that I turned 18 weeks pregnant and celebrated Bunlet's sweet potato size.

Okay, moving on. The drive to Victoria was nice and without much incident. I was on the lookout for this really beautiful, old building that I always felt drawn to when I would pass through. It had been there for years. I had photographed it before, but never with a decent camera or any amount of skill. Much to my dismay, it was gone. That sucked. To me, it is a crime to replace something historical with something "progressive" and new.

We arrived at my mom's house, and I heard from my old friend Chris. Chris and I were good buddies our last couple of years in high school, and we went our separate ways when he left for the Air Force after high school. We reconnected through myspace several years ago, and he decided to drive down to Victoria from Austin to hang out with me and see his parents.

We headed to Chili's to meet up with Chris. We spent about an hour there catching up. It was awesome seeing him again, being as it had been over ten years, and I loved that he and Roy got along well. We decided to go to a nearby book and music store to kill some time. On the way, I called my doctor to inquire about some pelvic discomfort I'd been experiencing all day. I'd been feeling a good amount of pressure in my uterus area and wasn't sure if it was normal. I spoke with the nurse, who was unable to reassure me that what I was feeling was perfectly natural, and she said that if the pressure got worse or if I started bleeding to go to the ER.

You see where this is going, right?

Yeah, I ended up in the ER. This was after the three of us drove out to my mom's house and took it easy on the couch while watching the fourth season of Lost. I thought for sure that taking it easy would help with the pressure, but it just got worse. After making a few calls to different clinics in the area, we decided to head to the ER.

You'd think that a pregnant woman would be seen right away, but apparently you have to be pregnant and bleeding in order to make something happen, at least at this hospital. We sat in the waiting room for about two hours. I was brought back three different times, once for a blood draw, once to hear the heartbeat (which the nurse couldn't hear clearly), and once for an ultrasound (which was ordered after the nurse couldn't hear Bunlet's heartbeat to her satisfaction). I wish I could say that the ultrasound was a wonderful experience, but it really wasn't. It was, of course, wonderful to see that Bunlet was okay, but all the ultrasound did was raise more questions.

(You see, back when we had our big ultrasound (on December 22), the tech discovered something odd. She asked me if I'd ever been diagnosed with a bicornuate or didelphys uterus. She mentioned it almost in passing, so I didn't think much of it. But at the end of the big ultrasound, she called someone else in to take a look, and together they puzzled over what this big dark pocket next to my uterus could be. It was determined that it was probably nothing to worry about and could likely be a fibroid, but that they would make sure to mention it to my doctor.)

I honestly didn't think that this "thing" in my uterus, whatever it was, had anything to do with the pressure I was feeling down there. But the tech at the hospital paid a lot of attention to it while she was doing the ultrasound, and I couldn't help but notice that she labeled it as a "mass" (which gave me a sinking feeling).

After being in the waiting room, we were brought back into the emergency area and given a room. The nurse was nice enough. The doctor, who was not an OB, was pretty clueless. He came in twice and couldn't determine what was wrong, but he wanted to admit me to the hospital for overnight evaluation. I was not happy about this as no one could even tell me what was going on. My best guess is that the OB on call was busy delivering babies and wanted to keep me there until he had a chance to review my ultrasound pictures. Whatever. After waiting in that ER room for another couple of hours, the doctor (the one who was not an OB) gave me a pelvic exam, which is what I'd asked for hours before (I was afraid that the pressure I was feeling was pre-term labor, and I wanted to make sure everything was sealed up tight).

The pelvic exam revealed nothing, but the doctor still wanted me to stay overnight. We finally had the opportunity to ask lots of questions, and once we got some answers, I felt that the doctor had made a good case for keeping me overnight - the word "appendicitis" was thrown out, which was concerning. He also felt the need to point out that my uterus "is just not normal," which I found extremely irritating, but which also added to his case for keeping me overnight. The kicker? He said, "Your baby is almost to the point of viability; we want to make sure you get there."

Ugh, what an asshole. There's nothing like being threatened with the possibility of losing your baby (as if I hadn't considered that before). I felt that he was really out of line in making that comment, especially because no one knew what was wrong.

At this point, we'd been in the ER for five hours, which was a ridiculous amount of time. However, they got me moved and admitted very quickly. I was given a nice room in L&D, and Roy stayed with me for the night. The nurses were great, and they gave me some Ambien to knock my grouchy, uncomfortable ass out. It worked. I slipped effortlessly into sleep.

Day five recap coming soon!

2008: In Review, Part 2

2009-01-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?:
Got pregnant!

2. 2008’s Goals:
I know I had some goals, and I have no idea what they were.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?:
My dog, Sasha.

5. What countries did you visit?:
The good ol' US of A

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?:
Consistency and clarity

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
September 24, 2008 - the day I found out I was pregnant

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
Probably my internship. That whole quarter of school was tough, but I did well in everything.

9. What was your biggest failure?:
My thesis proposal did not pass the graduate committee back in June. Hopefully that will be remedied soon.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
Yes. I had a lot of pregnancy-related issues.

11. What was the best thing you bought?:
My Canon 40D and Macbook. LOVE!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?:
Roy - the man is a saint. My friends - it's amazing that they put up with me. My mom - she was very supportive, as she always has been.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?:
Many of the Yes on 8 people.

14. Where did most of your money go?:
Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
Being pregnant. Obama getting elected. Christmas vacation.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?:
anything by She & Him or Roma di Luna, songs from Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" album

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i) happier or sadder?: happier
ii) thinner or fatter?: fatter, for sure
iii) richer or poorer?: broke as usual

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?:
Traveling

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?:
Working at my stupid job

20. How did you spend Christmas?:
In Texas in a big house with some colorful characters

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?:
Already answered this.

23. How many one-night stands?:
Um, none.

24. What were your favorite TV programs?:
Lost, Prison Break, One Tree Hill, Heroes

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?:
I don't hate people. It takes too much energy.

26. What was the best book you read?:
Probably The Secret History or The Time Traveler's Wife

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
She & Him and Roma di Luna!

28. What did you want and get?:
Pregnant.

29. What did you want and not get?:
A new job.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?:
Probably The Dark Knight.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
29, baby! We went to Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
Finding a new job that I actually enjoy.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?:
Casual and comfortable. I just can't be bothered to be stylish.

34. What kept you sane?:
Roy, family and friends, writing, photography

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
Honestly, I don't really pay attention to celebrities.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?:
Prop 8, for sure. What a mindfuck.

37. Who did you miss?:
My family. My friends.

38. Who was the best new person you met?:
There's this girl at work who is relatively new. She's very young and wonderfully strange (and unapologetic).

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
There's balance in the universe. If your life sucks, hang in there - it will get better.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me, me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me, me

What a curious life we have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds
Anne's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees, trees

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
Now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter's clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all, at all

-Roma di Luna's version of "In the Aeroplane over the Sea" (which I already prattled on about incessantly)

2008: In Review, Part 1

2009-01-01T16:52:00.001-08:00

Okay, so 2008 is over, but Kari tagged me for a couple of "year in review" memes that I'm going to attempt. I have nothing else to do right now, as this is my fifth freaking day of being sick and I don't appear to be getting better at all. Roy is sick, too, which makes for one miserable household. Let's hope we're feeling better soon.

1) Was 2008 a good year for you?
It was a mixed bag.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Finding out I was pregnant, seeing Bunlet's heartbeat for the first time, seeing Bunlet move (on the ultrasound screen), and all these special moments that Roy and I have had as a result.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Infertility testing. And saying goodbye to Sasha, my canine companion since I was 13 years old.

4) Where were you when 2008 began?
At Mandy and Paul's house.

5) Who were you with?
Roy, Mandy, Paul, and Cerby (cutest doggie ever).

6) Where will you be when 2008 ends?
Roy and I were in the computer room, counting down together.

7) Who will you be with?
Roy and the kitties (and Bunlet)

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008?
I don't think I made one.

9) Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2009?
I have three goals: to give birth to a healthy baby, to make some progress on my MA (which may or may not include graduating), and to take some steps to building a career for myself.

10) Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yep, I truly do tend to fall in love with Roy over and over again. And I guess in a way I'm in love with Bunlet, but it's not the same kind of love.

11) If so with who?
See above.

12) If yes, do they know?
Yeah, I'm good at telling people how I feel.

13) What was the stupidest thing you did this year?
I can't think of anything offhand that screams "stupid!" I tend to beat up on myself a little too much when bad/negative things happen, but I eventually get over it. Overall I'm proud of the way I conduct myself, even if it sometimes pisses people off. If I had to pick something, though, it would probably be not putting enough work into my thesis proposal right before it was due and/or getting involved in some really stupid drama on the knot.

14) What was your favorite month of 2008?
September.

15) How many concerts did you see in 2008?
Two.

16) Did you have a favorite concert in 2008?
I loved both of them - Roma di Luna and the Pierces.

17) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
Not really. I've never been a big drinker.

18) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
Does caffeine count? Then yes, but I did cut back quite a bit.

19) How many people did you sleep with in 2008?
One (duh).

20) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?
I have no idea. I'm sure people lied to me this year, but nothing is really coming to mind.

21) Did you treat somebody badly in 2008?
Not intentionally. I tend to go overboard with being opinionated. It's not always warmly received.

22) Did somebody treat you badly in 2008?
Yep. My place of employment comes to mind.

23) How much money did you spend in 2008?
I don't even want to think about it.

24) What was your proudest moment of 2008?
It sounds silly, but my proudest moments have nothing to do with me and everything to do with Bunlet. I was also really proud of Roy for getting a new job and graduating. And I am proud of making progress in my photographic efforts and for continuing to write on a regular basis.

25) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something what?
I would change my attitude to TTC. I put too much stress on the situation.

26) What are your plans for 2009?
I just want to give birth to Bunlet, continue to nurture my marriage, and work towards living a more authentic life.

Baby Boy Bunlet

2009-01-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

Let's kick off the new year right, shall we? Roy and I are overwhelmingly happy and excited to announce that we're having a little boy!

I've had a pretty good idea that I was pregnant with a boy since our ultrasound at the beginning of December. The tech there said she was almost positive that Bunlet was a boy but that she couldn't say for sure without a shadow of a doubt. It was confirmed at our big ultrasound on December 22.

But it's strange - at the very beginning of my pregnancy (the very night I found out I was pregnant, even), I felt like Bunlet was a boy. When I thought about telling people that I was pregnant, I also imagined myself telling them, "We're having a little boy!" It's interesting to know that my intuition was spot on, even if it disappeared for awhile.

Roy and I are really excited, of course. I have to admit that I have great ideas about what girls like and what they do, but I am a little unsure as to what to do with a little boy. It seems that boys are much more limited in what they can do (meaning that society places strict limits on them from the start). As a young girl, I enjoyed the privilege of taking dance lessons and playing GI Joe. It was okay to nurture that tomboy side of me; it posed no threat to my female identity. But boys seem to be more difficult - or actually, they are probably just different.

But you know what? I'm looking forward to the challenge of raising a boy. I really am. I guess this is just me puzzling over it all, trying to wrap my brain around the fact that in about five months, I'll be holding our beautiful baby boy in my arms and will be responsible for giving him a good foundation upon which to grow and evolve as a human being. There is so much to do in the meantime.

We do have a name picked out, and it's a really good name. I'm surprised at how traditional Bunlet's name is (not that we are the type to name our kid Apple or Pilot Inspektor), but actually I can't think of a better name for our first baby. It's all about honoring those who got us here, and as soon as the time is right, I'll be sharing his name here.

This has been a wonderful journey (with many ups and downs), and right now I may be a little unsure about relating to a little boy - but I would not change a damn thing about any of it. We absolutely cannot wait to meet our baby boy.

(The winner of the guessing game giveaway will be announced soon!)

The Best Kind of Guessing Game (It's a Giveaway!)

2008-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

**This is a sticky post! Scroll down for newer posts!**

Being as our big ultrasound is coming up (Monday!), I thought I'd host a giveaway here on my blog in honor of the occasion. You could win a gift card to the Etsy store of your choice just by participating! (Why Etsy? Because I love that site, and I love the philosophy behind it. If you've never been there before, I highly suggest going over there and having a look around.)

I may end up giving away another gift card (probably to someplace else) if I get enough participants. How many is enough? I don't know. But please, play along, and tell all your friends! Tell your friends' friends! Tell your friends' friends' friends! Um, yeah.

Here's how this is going to work:

1) Leave one comment on this post telling me if you think Bunlet is a boy or girl and why. I'm really interested in hearing your reasoning, no matter how silly it is. I love silly! I love serious! I love all kinds of things! So please, indulge me.

2) I'll allow guesses in the form of comments on this post until December 31, 2008, at 11:59 PM. This post will stay at the top of my blog until then. (My first sticky post - weeeee!) One guess per person, please (and thank you)!

3) I will choose a random name from the group of people who guess correctly, and that person will be the winner.

4) I will post the winner here on my blog within the first couple of days of the New Year, so make sure you check back to see if you've won.

5) The winner will email me his/her full name and snail mail address, along with the name of his/her favorite Etsy shop for the $25 gift card. I will buy a gift card to that store and have it sent to you in the mail. And if I decide to do two or more drawings, well, I'll let you know.

6) Those of you who I know well and am likely to reveal the secret to (or who can't wait until the New Year to find out), vote early! You can't vote after you find out, you cheaters.

And now, to help you guess, here are a few clues:

1) The night I found out I was pregnant, I got a very strong boy vibe. It lasted for a few weeks and then faded away. It came back when I was 13/14 weeks and has come and gone since then.

2) Both my mom and Roy's mom think we are having a boy.

3) When I was seven weeks, the postmaster at my local post office told me that I was having a girl. (I hadn't even told him I was pregnant, and I certainly wasn't showing, either.)

4) I had a dream in the second month of my pregnancy that I was having a girl.

5) My friend Kim dreamed that I was having a girl.

6) My mom dreamed that I had a boy (with red hair).

7) Once, during a conversation with my brother-in-law Paul while in my third month of pregnancy, he referred to Bunlet as "her" without batting an eye.

8) My other brother-in-law, Jake, said that he thinks we're having a girl because of Roy's "wuss sperm." (I find this funny because female sperm, while slower, are actually more resilient than male sperm.)

9) This Chinese gender chart says I'm having a girl. *

10) If you go by the Shettles method of gender selection, we should be having a boy. *

11) If seeing how I'm carrying would be helpful, here's my most recent belly pic (again), taken at last night, at exactly 17 weeks:

No, that's not death warmed over. It's me, I promise.

12) And here is Bunlet's most recent ultrasound picture (again):

* Note: I really think that both the Chinese gender chart and Shettles method are just fun ways of guessing the sex, but I don't feel there's much to either of them.

So, now you have the rules and the clues - let the games begin!

Notes on 2008

2008-12-31T23:22:00.000-08:00

This will be my last post of 2008, giving me an even 290 posts for the year.

And what a year it has been. Like so many others, the close of a year leads me down a path of introspective contemplation. I find myself in a very different place, both literally and figuratively, (and in a very different state) than I was at the start of 2008. I've said repeatedly on this blog that this was a very tough year, and actually, that's not entirely the truth.

It was more of a year of really high ups and really low downs. I think that this is what made it so hard sometimes, because with the change of the wind, my whole life tended to shift entirely. Also, several people I am close to had a really hard time this year. I'd like to see more calmness and clarity and happiness in 2009 - for all of us.

Truly, I am grateful for the life lessons I've been privileged to receive this year. I don't think I would really appreciate the many wonderful things in my life if it weren't for the hard knocks.

Here are the major events of the year.

I discovered a new passion (photography) and learned a lot about it through practice, reading, and paying attention to my own vision. (Of course, there is still so much to learn!)
I took on the (pleasurable) task of being Mandy's HOH, gave her a kick ass bridal shower, and offered a kick ass toast at her wedding.
I went to the doctor entirely too much, for things ranging from mole removal to fertility testing to prenatal appointments.
Roy completed his internship, took his comps (and passed), got a new job in his field, and graduated.
I got a little closer to graduating with my Master's degree, although not as close as I planned.
I started and completed my internship, which included a very intimidating teaching day.
Two of my good friends, Myra and Beans, moved away.
I said goodbye to my dear canine friend, Sasha.
My uncle got sick (and is now on the mend).
We went to some really cool places, including Vegas, Minneapolis, Texas, and the Morey Mansion.
I learned to accept that my current job has nothing to do with my inherent worth as a human being.
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
We watched someone close to us get pregnant and then suffer a devastating miscarriage.
We spent most of the year trying for a baby, dealing with the possibility of infertility, and then getting pregnant in September.
I finished up with four years of therapy.
We moved into a new house.
I got Lasik and cut off my hair.
I participated in a very important Presidential election.
I wrote a lot, mostly on this blog, but I did produce some decent poetry as well.
I turned 29, officially entering into the last year of my roaring 20s.
I started the daunting task of cleansing and purging in all areas of my life.
I changed my name.
I met some new people, further solidified some friendships, and burned a few toxic bridges.
I became a mother, which I already mentioned before, but hell, it deserves another mention.
I fell more in love with my rockstar of a husband, who has taught me so much, stood beside me through so much, and loved me so much. Roy, you are amazing, and I don't know what I did to get so lucky. No matter what happens, it's always me and you. With you, I can say "forever" and mean it.

I'm too lazy to link to all the blog posts that talk about these events. If I did that, I'd be writing this damn entry all night, instead of doing really important things like blowing my nose and watching One Tree Hill.

Happy New Year! Goodbye, 2008, you fickle bitch.

Home again, home again

2008-12-31T11:26:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year's Eve! We flew in last night after our Texas Christmas vacation. I have more recaps to come and will get to those sometime within the next few days, I imagine.

A few things of note:

1) I have a cold. I actually have had it since Sunday. It sucks to be pregnant and have a cold at the same time, since I'm very limited on what I can take. It also sucks to fly while you're pregnant and have a cold. I was feeling decent until our flights yesterday.

2) It is so wonderful to be home. I cannot express how much I was looking forward to being in our house in our bed with our kitties driving us mad. Life returns to normal on Friday when I go back to work, and I'm grateful for the extra time off so that I can recover from this cold.

3) I'm really behind on my blog reading and commenting. But I'll catch up, I promise.

4) My desktop computer is screwed up again. It worked fine last night, but this morning it hasn't been working. It'll turn on and everything, but the computer isn't actually doing anything but running the fans. Thank the gods for my Macbook; I really need to think about getting a better desktop.

5) It's the last day to enter my guessing game giveaway! So if you haven't already, place your bets before midnight tonight!

Quaint Christmas: Days Two and Three of Our Christmas Vacation

2008-12-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were laid back days. Considering that my uncle's weakness from his illness earlier in the year, my brother's kidney stones, and my pregnancy, we weren't in the best shape to go out and party. Instead we stayed in for most of both days.

On Christmas Eve, we decorated the tree...

...ate candy...

...gave Buster lots of love...

...took Buster for a walk and took lots of blurry-on-purpose pictures...

...looked at the Christmas lights...

...and opened gifts!

It was a small, quiet Christmas Eve with few gifts, but it was still good.

On Christmas morning, we crowded around the laptop and showed my mom and uncle a couple of our favorite videos.

I introduced my mom to i can has cheezburger. These were her favorites:

We hung out and took it easy...

...ate an awesome lunch, where I consumed three helpings of my mom's mashed potatoes...

...napped and then later took Buster out for his evening walk...

...and then came back to my uncle's house, where we had a low-key evening of movie watching and interweb surfing.

It was a good Christmas, just the way I wanted it. No muss, no fuss. Incidentally, the muss and fuss came the next day - with a vengeance.

I'll Take a Little More Dysfunction, Please: Day One of Our Christmas Vacation

2008-12-30T06:33:00.000-08:00

Roy and I got up dark and early at 3:30 AM for our flight on December 23. Our brother-in-law Paul was nice enough to take us to the airport and watch over our kitties in our absence. Our flights were without incident, although I began to get extremely uncomfortable during the second (longer) one. (I will definitely not be doing any more air travel during this pregnancy.)

My mom and brother (Wade) picked us up from the airport and took us to eat at Taco Haven, a Mexican eatery in downtown San Antonio. (One thing I miss about Texas is the Mexican food. California just doesn’t know how to do it, in my opinion.) Afterwards, we went to my Uncle Charles’s house, where we got all settled in for our stay. Roy and I took a long nap; it was much needed.

When we woke up, it was nearing dark. We still hadn’t told any of my family about the sex of Bunlet - I was waiting until I could get them all together in the same room. I decided on the very spur of the moment to set up the surprise for my mom while she was out walking Buster (my uncle’s dog) - it only involved my putting out all our ultrasound pictures and the “it’s a ____” teddy bear Roy had found for her. I needed someone to stall my mom until I was ready, but neither Roy nor Wade jumped to it. Thus I decided to take my chances and set up the surprise and hope she didn’t walk in. I started laying out the ultrasound pictures on my uncle’s dining room table, when all of a sudden, I heard the front door open.

I quickly gathered all the stuff together and hurried upstairs. I was pretty annoyed but quickly got over it. Being as we were going out to get dinner, I figured everyone else could get in the car and I could stay behind for a few minutes and set up the surprise. My mom, brother, and uncle were all in the living room discussing something, so I hid in the downstairs bathroom while Roy went to go tell them to go out to the car and that I would join them shortly.

My mom is famous for carrying on a conversation for-frickin-ever, and I suppose she and Uncle Charles thought this was the perfect time to discuss the merits vs. dangers of acquiring driving directions from an online source. (Neither one of them has the Internet, if you can believe that.) So there I was, crouching in the downstairs bathroom, ear to the door to figure out what was going on. I finally texted my brother and said, “Get her out of there! I’m trying to set something up.”

I finally just gave up, because my mom would not stop talking. I hid the ultrasound pictures and the teddy bear amongst my uncle’s supply of toilet paper, walked out of the bathroom, and let everyone know I was ready to go. I thought it would have been cool to have my mom come home to the “it’s a ____” set up, and I was a little bummed (and again, annoyed).

As it turned out, it was probably best that it didn’t happen that way. Because while we were on our way home from picking up dinner, we got lost. When I get lost, I don’t get nervous - probably because I have a crappy sense of direction and am used to getting lost. My mom, on the other hand, has spent the majority of her life living in small Texas towns. She is a slow driver who doesn’t really know how to drive on freeways. What’s worse, she’s an anxious driver. So when we got lost, my mom’s anxiety really hit the roof. I kept trying to tell her that we just needed to turn around and go back the way we came, but instead, we just kept driving, and my mom just kept fretting. I don’t think she really understood that there were three rational adults in the car (me, Roy, and Wade) and that between us, we could figure out how to get back to my uncle’s house. (Plus, I have spent a lot of time driving around San Antonio, so as crappy as I am with directions, it’s a city I feel comfortable in.)

It truly was only a matter of time before someone got pissed off, because at this point my mom’s driving skills had dwindled to those of a 14-year-old (due to her high anxiety) and yet she wouldn’t do anything to remedy the situation. That someone who got pissed off was Wade. There was an outburst of anger (on both their parts), but my mom finally stopped the car and let my brother take over. He turned the car around, and we drove back to my uncle’s house.

Wade retreated to the third story of the house, where he had set up his home away from home. My mom stayed downstairs with my uncle in the living room. Roy and I ate dinner and hung out a bit in the living room as well. My mom looked awfully sad, and as much as I could relate to my brother’s frustration with her, I felt really sorry for her. I had Roy grab the camera, and I did the big reveal of Bunlet’s sex on the spur of the moment. It was a really nice moment, and it made a huge difference in my mom’s demeanor. It would have been better if Wade had been there as well, but I figured I would tell him in the morning when he was in a better mood.

As it turns out, sound carries very easily in my uncle’s gigantic house, and Wade heard everything, even though he was three stories up. Naturally, he was hurt at not being included. My intention was not to leave him out, but to do something to cheer my mom up. And I had no idea that he would be able to hear it all. So that aspect of it sucked. But we cleared it up, and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were less dramatic days.

That recap (with pics!) is coming up.

Let's go back: pre-vacation, overly idealistic musings.

2008-12-29T18:30:00.000-08:00

Before we left on our week-long Christmas trip on December 23, I wrote the post below. It feels like a lifetime has passed since I wrote it.

Okay, so I haven't talked much about Christmas so far. And that's because Christmas (or the holiday season, I should say) has been really weird this year. I've had moments when I'm over-the-top excited about the holiday and moments when I snap out of my sleep-deprived haze for an instant and say, "Wha?? It's Christmas??"

This is our last Christmas together before we become parents. You'd think I'd be trying to rake in the presents because I won't be getting that many from here on out! (Well, maybe I will. Who knows?) And while there's a list of things that I want, I've reached the point where it just doesn't matter what I get. I've been like this for months now, but recently it came to a head.

Even though my time off to go to Texas and spend time with my family for the holiday was approved by my boss back in October, almost three weeks ago (the crappiest week ever) my right to take this vacation was almost revoked. Or it sure did seem that way. I'll spare you the details as to why, but let's just say that it wasn't pretty. After spending almost a week in limbo, wondering if I was still going to be able to take off from work, my vacation was approved (again) a couple of weeks ago.

So during that period of limbo, I had a lot of time to think about what it meant to me to be able to have this time in Texas. Obviously, it's about time with my family. But it's also about my mom seeing me pregnant with my first child, which may not happen again. It's about hanging out with my brother, who has been having a really hard time of late. It's about having Christmas at my favorite uncle's house, the one who's spent the vast majority of this year being sick (and now recovering). It's about revealing the sex of Bunlet and seeing my family's faces when they find out. It's about telling my dad that I'm pregnant. It's about making peace with the place I grew up, something I started having the desire to do back in the summer. It's about doing all these things with Roy by my side.

To have all these things potentially taken away from me....well, the thought was close to devastating. I know that seems a little over-the-top, but I'm at the point in my life where I truly realize that stuff doesn't matter. People do. Yes, I think it'd be great to get a lot of expensive photo gear, some TV shows on DVD, some new (maternity) clothes, etc, and I certainly won't say no if these things are offered. But more than anything, I just want to be with my family, who I am lucky to see once or twice a year.

And being as this vacation is a go and we have a healthy Bunlet on the way, I've already gotten everything that I want for Christmas. The rest is just a bonus.

Roy and I decided not to get each other gifts this year, in light of the expensive plane tickets to Texas. Once my uncle found out that we were all going to be there for Christmas, he asked us not to get him anything. My mom also said recently that she had hardly done any shopping and didn't really want anything. When I talked with my brother about his wants, he said that he couldn't really think of anything. So it looks like we're all just planning on having a very small Christmas, maybe with a few gifts or maybe with none at all.

And you know what? I couldn't be happier.

I love giving gifts, and I love receiving them. But I don't know, this year is just different. Maybe it's the economy, maybe it's the fact that we are soon going to be responsible for a tiny little being, but I already feel like we have too much stuff. I definitely am guilty of overindulging, because I love to collect things. We're in the process of putting aside everything we want to get rid of, including about half of our library that took us years to build. We'll sell the books on Amazon, the decent pieces of furniture on craigslist, and the rest in a yard sale. It just feels right.

What does it mean to own something, anyway? We've managed to amass quite the art collection in the time we've been together (I brought a few pieces into our relationship), and I have started to wondering what it means. It's nice to be surrounded by beautiful, inspiring things, but at the same time, you can't really own art, can you? You can't own beauty. It's an experience to be had, not something to be added to a collection.

So I guess I do have a Christmas wish after all. I want more experiences and less stuff. This year my family will get Christmas cards with special notes inside of them. There is no experience like reading (and rereading) the good things someone has to tell you.

Oh, the idealism. It gets me every time. We're not home from Texas yet, but let's just say that this vacation has fallen far short of what I wanted it to be. Stay tuned for my Christmas recap.

Look closely...

2008-12-25T06:13:00.000-08:00

And you'll see us wishing you the merriest of holiday seasons.

It took us a long time to get this picture right, so enjoy! And enjoy the light and love of your families.

17 weeks

2008-12-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

Today I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Wow! Almost halfway through - time is flying.

Bunlet is now the size of an onion.

I took WeeMo's suggestion on my last belly pic post and decided to take belly pics with something that is close to Bunlet's size. So this week it's our stuffed Christmas penguin.

I really don't like this picture. I need to take my belly pics in the morning, because I look like death warmed over at night.

I got my hair done this week and admitted to my hairdresser that I am indeed pregnant. She said that she immediately noticed when she saw me that I had a tummy but wasn't sure if it was due to pregnancy or just weight gain. So apparently I'm still at the "is she pregnant or has she just had too much beer" phase.

Noteworthy (pregnancy-related) events of the week:

1) It is now extremely easy to find Bunlet's heartbeat on the doppler both at home and at the doctor's office. We used to have to search quite a bit for it, but now it's a piece of cake.

2) Roy and I actually went to Babies R Us last Saturday. It was not as overwhelming as I expected it to be, maybe because I don't go crazy over baby stuff in general. But it did spur me to look for baby things online. I found a couple of bedding sets that I like, both of which seem to be gender-neutral to me.

This one is labeled for a boy, but whatever, it's cute for a girl, too. Down with the pink and blue stereotypes!

This set is really cute. I had a huge collection of stuffed monkeys as a kid, so I really love monkey stuff for kids.

Of course, I will do a ton of research before we start buying/registering, all with the help of my well-loved copy of Baby Bargains.

3) The night we celebrated Paul's birthday, my nephew Noah asked me, just as I was about to bite into my big honkin' piece of cake, "Aunt Leslie, did you have your baby?"

"No," I said, "why do you ask?"

And then he replied, "Because you're eating cake."

I couldn't help but laugh. I love kids. I love the stuff they come up with. I can't wait to hear the crazy stuff that is bound to come out of Bunlet's mouth.

4) I already know that Bunlet is moving around like crazy, but within the next few weeks I should actually begin feeling it. While Roy and I were shopping this past weekend, I felt a strange sensation. It felt like something was poking me very gently from the inside. It happened a few times in a short amount of time and then stopped altogether, and I haven't felt it since. So it probably wasn't baby movement. It's really hard to tell, though, with all the other weird things that are going on (stretching, etc).

5) Melinda, she of poo-flinging fame, has generously offered to throw us a co-ed baby shower. This is a girl who wakes up at 4:00 AM for work five days a week and will be in school until 10 PM four nights a week next quarter. She's freaking insane. But she insists she can handle it. She's a braver woman than me, that's for sure.

That's all the news I've got for now, but watch for my official vote-if-Bunlet-is-a-boy-or-girl post coming up this weekend. There's a prize in it for you - maybe even more than one prize if I get enough participants.

The Year in Cell Phone Pics

2008-12-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

My friends and I recently decided to start a cell phone photography business; little did I know that I'd been building my portfolio all year long! It all started when I got my Razr phone, thanks to my mother-in-law. I immediately began snapping photos and sending them to my contacts. People immediately took notice. I got such a good response to the blurriness and crappy quality of light in my photos that my good friends approached me about forming a business.

Thus, JealousE Douchebag Photography was born.

Here are some of the best cell phone pics I've taken this year, all of which will be featured prominently on the JD Photography website!

This one will be in the "what not to wear" gallery.

This one will feature prominently in the "best hairstyles of 2008" gallery.

This one is just pure mastery. A jaundiced-looking Melinda with a giant straw, absolutely perfect lighting, not at all posed...

Kim's license plate

a cupcake that looks like a steaming pile of poo, but that tasted much better

the cutest husband ever holding a very cute baby

Mandy getting all dolled up for her wedding

a mushroom I drew (Super Mario Bros. style!)

me wearing Mandy's sweatshirt and crinoline - totally artistically blurry and photojournalistical

the cutest husband ever, in need of a major teeth cleaning

ahhh, the joys of Lasik (I obviously didn't take this, but I have no problem taking credit for it since I'm an immoral mofo)

yay! sculpture in Minneapolis!

someone named Sylvia who is very happy but also very evil

biggest lemon ever (notice the coin for scale)

best license plate ever

Mao attacks!

dark thoughts while sitting in the most boring presentation ever

Mao, with eye crust (the day we brought her home)

big fat smiley face guy

The award for the best cell phone pic taken by someone other than me (because clearly I am the master) goes to Melinda, who drew a picture of herself flinging poo.

I'm sure the cell phone photography business will be very lucrative, but we have made a vow never to compromise our artistry just to make a buck.

Traveling Around the Blogosphere (the Best Blogs of 2008)

2008-12-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

To continue on with my 2008 retrospective...

This year my Google Reader has become significantly overloaded. That's because there are just too many good blogs out there. Here are my 2008 favorites, in no particular order:

1) Color Me Katie

Katie's blog is a very recent discovery. I love how fun, creative, and spontaneous she is. I'm kind of jealous of her, because she seems like an exceptional human being and she doesn't settle for doing the same boring thing over and over.

2) A Cup of Jo

Jo commented on my blog back at the beginning of the year, and through her, I have been introduced to a world full of awesome inspirational things. Like Katie, she seems like a fun and sweet person. Big bonus: she's engaged, so she loves to think about all things wedding.

3) Design for Mankind

This blog has been instrumental in getting me to think "outside the box" (oh, how I hate that phrase) in regard to what I really want to do with my life. In 2009, I'd like to put some of this blog's practical advice about doing what you love to good use.

4) Matt, Liz, & Madeline

I put Matt's blog in the "Emotional Journeys" section of my Google Reader - and what a journey it's been. Watching his life evolve since the death of his wife and birth of his daughter has been moving, astonishing, and inspirational. I absolutely love Matt's writing style and photos. Most of all, I love the spirit of survival that his blog celebrates with each post.

5) Wooster Collective

Street art, anyone? I happen to love it. And this blog features the best of the best from all over the world.

6) Bliss

Amazing photography. The kind I can only dream about producing. And amazing links to amazing things.

7) Dear God

Even if you're not religious, prayer can be a very real necessity. This is a prayer blog, one filled with poignant stories and sad recollections and heart-stopping photography. It features the prayers and the questions that are often left unanswered.

8) White Lightning

I'm not fashionable by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't really agree with most of Elizabeth's fashion choices (probably because I am fashion-challenged). I don't even have a frame of reference for most of the things she talks about. But I love this blog. It never fails to make me laugh.

9) Mammoth Men

A group of male photographers gets on a bus and fly (ride?) by the seat of their pants, letting their blog readers choose where they get to go next. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure book in blog form. The photographs are mind-blowing, and the hilarity is...well, hilarious.

10) Pioneer Woman Photography

This is probably the blog to read if you want to learn more about photography and how to take good photos. The Pioneer Woman takes a complicated subject and makes it easier to grasp, and the cool thing is that she's pretty much entirely self-taught (not to mention talented). She hosts awesome giveaways and gives practical tips. And she's funny. Really damn funny.

So this concludes my 2008 cool blog retrospective. And even though my Google Reader is vastly overloaded, why don't you share yours with me? I have plenty of room for more cool things in my life, trust me.

what a beautiful place I have found in your face (2008: A Musical Retrospective)

2008-12-18T12:38:00.000-08:00

2008 was a great year for music. I was introduced to a lot of great new songs. I'm kind of a casual listener to music - it seems I never just sit down and listen to music while doing nothing else. I'm always listening to it while I drive, clean the house, work on the computer, etc. Still, I'm able to absorb what I'm listening to pretty well, although I must confess that I'd like to become a more conscious listener of music.

Without further ado, my top music picks for this year.

My Favorite Albums of the Year

1) She & Him - Volume One

How I love this album. I listened to it constantly during the spring. I love the retro sound of it - to me, it's pretty timeless. I love Zooey Deschanel's voice and its raw imperfections. It's rare for me to like every track on an album, but I enjoy every single song on Volume One.

2) Coldplay - Viva la Vida

This was probably the album of the summer, at least in my world. One listen, and I was hooked. This album really carried me through the summer.

3) Roma di Luna - Casting the Bones

Roma di Luna was probably my best music discovery of the year. I had the pleasure of seeing them live on our anniversary trip; that was my introduction to them, and I've been hooked ever since. I love their folksy style, and I love the lead singer's ethereal voice.

My Favorite Song of the Year

I listened to a bunch of different songs this year, some of them over and over, but my favorite song of the year is Roma di Luna's cover of "In the Aeroplane over the Sea". I'm not a big fan of the original version, but lordy, I love Roma di Luna's version. I wish I would have known about this version back on our wedding day - I would have loved to walk down the aisle to it.

Here are the lyrics to "In the Aeroplane over the Sea":

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me, me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me, me

What a curious life we have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds
Anne's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees, trees

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
Now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter's clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all, at all

You can listen to Roma di Luna's version here. Do it! Do it now!

The Strangest Albums I Downloaded This Year, Neither of Which Were Actually Released in 2008

1) Lady & Bird - Lady & Bird

This album gives me the creeps. It's haunting and melancholy, and I can't listen to it that often. But it has just the right amount of strange to keep me intrigued.

2) Beirut - Gulag Orkestar

A head trip to listen to, but it's very fun and enjoyable (and weird).

My Favorite Playlist of the Year

I love making playlists in iTunes. I used to make them based entirely on genre or mood, but now I've switched to making playlists as a soundtrack to a particular time in my life. My favorite playlist of the year is called "So Summer Doesn't Suck So Much," and it features the songs that made me feel really happy, thus saving this past summer from complete suckage.

(I'm too lazy to link to all the songs - sorry about that.)

1) "Appels and Oranjes" - Smashing Pumpkins
2) "Blue Monday" - New Order
3) "Bury Me Beneath the Killin' Fields" - Roma di Luna
4) "Effigy" - Natalie Merchant
5) "Fight Test" - The Flaming Lips
6) "Funky Goes to Hollywood" - DJ Earworm
7) "Head On" - Jesus and Mary Chain
8) "I Can't Afford to Be Broke" - Roma di Luna
9) "I Hate Everything About You" - Three Days Grace
10) "In the Mood" - Cadillac Kolstad and the Flats
11) "Lost!" - Coldplay
12) "Lost?" - Coldplay
13) "Radio Song" - REM, featuring KRS-One
14) "The Romance of Wolves" - Roma di Luna
15) "Safe in my Lover's Arms" - Bering Strait
16) "These Arms of Mine" - Otis Redding
17) "Trouble Down the Road" - Roma di Luna
18) "Violet Hill" - Coldplay

And this concludes my 2008 Musical Retrospective.

Now I'd like to hear your top picks of 2008 - or of all time. I'm in desperate need of new music for our vacation, so the more recommendations you can give me, the better. Thanks, everyone!

A Mother's Grace

2008-12-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

My mom called me last night and wearily told me that she'd had to put one of our family cats, Riley, to sleep earlier in the day. He was sixteen years old, and his age had finally caught up with him.

Riley and I were not close. My brother referred to him as "intense," and that's probably a good word choice - we never formed a close bond, but still, this was sad for me to hear. My mom's house will be a little more empty without our black and white buddy. I wish Riley the most perfect peace.

Here's to you, Riley. Your slobbering was top-notch, and you were annoying as all hell. You look a little crazy in the picture below, and I wish I could blame it entirely on the flash. But you were one of a kind, and I'm going to miss you. RIP, ol' buddy.

These phone calls I receive from my mom are the ones that I dread; they are reminders of what I had, what's been lost, and the time that's passed. When I moved to California back in 2001, my mom had four dogs and 10+ cats, remnants of our growing up and our addiction to taking in strays - that's a whole lot of pets, but living in the country on a large plot of land, we always had plenty of space for them to roam and be happy. They've all had lives full of fields, food, and love, and that is the only comfort I know when one of them passes away. When I come back to my mom's house, the place where I grew up, there's that feeling of emptiness - all four dogs are gone now, and most of the cats have died as well. I will never see any of my favorites again. (I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but there were those that I was really attached to. I still get that telltale lump in my throat any time I think of any of them.)

Every time we lose a family pet, there's my own sadness to deal with, but there's also the acknowledgment that my mom is a quiet hero. She accompanies our pets as they take their final breaths; she is there as they slip away. She calls me when it's over and listens to me cry. Sometimes she shares in the tears with me, but most of the time, it's about her comforting me. She's the one who does the hard, dirty work, and she does it with grace.

As I prepare for my own journey to motherhood, I know that this is one of those really difficult things that I'm eventually going to have to deal with. Some day I'm going to have to tell our kids that their favorite kitty or puppy is very sick and needs to be put to sleep. I'm going to have to explain the fact of death, that most unexplainable thing, and I'm going to have to watch my children experience heartbreak.

How will I do this? Will I cry with them? Will I wait until they've gone to bed and then let it all out? How do you balance a mother's grace with that sorrow? How do you put aside your own pain while shouldering the sadness of your children?

I do not have the answers to those questions. But one thing I do know is that my mom will always be my hero, because even though I'm pushing 30 and my brother is 33, all she still wants to do is protect us from the pain of the world. It's a hard, selfless job that I'm taking on, and I sometimes wonder if I have it in me to be that kind of a hero (or a hero at all, really).

And then there's the knowledge that I would do anything to protect this little life inside me. I know this, because every time I see Bunlet moving and wiggling away on the ultrasound screen, all the crappy pregnancy side effects are totally worth it. I'll take more insomnia, more dry-heaving, and more leakage if it means that Bunlet will thrive. You can even throw in some vomiting and constipation for good measure.

Bunlet seems to have unlocked some strength inside me that I didn't know I had. So I guess you could say that Bunlet is my hero, too. I'm proud to be my kiddo's mom, and I'm proud to be my mom's kiddo. Without them, I wouldn't know grace, and I sure as hell wouldn't know this kind of love.

When hard work pays off

2008-12-17T17:01:00.000-08:00

I checked my grades today, and I almost fell over when I saw that I ended up with an A- in the class I just finished. I did very well in the class up until the end when I turned in my final paper late and a few pages too short (due to extreme insomnia). I was really afraid that it would ruin my GPA, but apparently my professor saw that I was having a difficult time and decided to cut me some slack.

To be honest, even though the paper was late and not long enough, I worked really damn hard on it, and I feel that I really earned the A- in the class. I really appreciate the fact that my professor took my circumstances into account, because if he hadn't, I might have ended up with a B or something (which isn't really all that acceptable for grad school - or my program, at least).

So yeah, this week is shaping up to be much better than last week. Potential crappy GPA crisis averted!

Superwoman

2008-12-15T05:57:00.000-08:00

Stick a fork in me! I'm done with my final paper for the quarter, which means I'm done with the quarter. Finally.

As I mentioned, last week was hard. (I've heard that the full moon made things crazy for Geminis.) I had to ask my professor for an extension on my final paper, which was due on Wednesday. He granted me an extension until Thursday. Then I had to ask for an incomplete. As he doesn't like to give incompletes, he gave me an extension until this morning.

Good enough. This may ruin my GPA that I've worked so hard to maintain, but good enough. At this point, I am not picky. In fact, I am so not picky that the paper I turned in didn't meet the page requirement at all. I am normally a much better student, but I also don't usually have a human being growing in me. One thing pregnancy has made me realize is that I'm not Superwoman. Not anywhere close.

So I spent the weekend sleeping and writing and reading and spending time with family and friends, trying not to dwell on the challenges ahead. Because even though the paper's done, there's still a mess of things to deal with.

I'd like 2009 to be simpler, please.

We had our gift exchange with Roy's family last night. Paul drew my name and got me this:

It's a toy camera kit that uses medium-format film and takes awesomely imperfect pictures. I'm extremely excited to add this to my arsenal. I've been wanting this for close to a year now.

Paul also got me two of these, except in classy, shiny silver:

They are perfect for the food-phobic.

(Thank you, Paul.)

We also celebrated Paul's birthday last night. We had yummy chocolate cake, and I loved the candles.

Happy birthday, Paul! And happy winter break to me.

16 weeks

2008-12-12T19:37:00.000-08:00

Let me get the negativity out of the way first.

This week sucked. Sucked. It would take me a long time to explain said suckage, but take my word for it. It was bad.

It's unfortunate that one can't be pregnant in a vacuum. Being pregnant is the easy part (well, that's debatable); being pregnant while trying to maintain some semblance of a normal life is what's hard.

That said, despite how much this week has sucked, I am grateful for two things in particular: my good health and Bunlet's good health.

So there's my 16 week belly pic. (It was another bad face/bad hair day, so I cropped it. And please excuse the doorknob.) This morning I was at the copy machine, and one of my co-workers started talking about my belly. This led me to explain to her that Bunlet is now the size of an avocado.

She seemed confused by the fact that Bunlet is still so small but that my belly is "so big." I'm not sure if my belly really is big, but I do have this feeling that I'm going to be absolutely huge by the end of my pregnancy.

But my burning question is where the hell are my glorious pregnancy boobs? They've grown a tiny bit, but when I hear other women talking about how much their boobs grew in early pregnancy, all I can do is look down sadly at my 34Bs (which were 34Bs before I was pregnant).

This week was our 16 week prenatal appointment. Bunlet's heartbeat was 140, down from 160+ at our most recent ultrasound. (This is no cause for concern, by the way.) I've gained a grand total of one pound since the beginning of my pregnancy. All in all, things are going well, and everything appears to be normal.

We have our big ultrasound in exactly ten days! Finding out if Bunlet is a boy or girl will be the best Christmas gift ever, provided that he/she cooperates. I'm probably going to do a little guessing game giveaway post on here for the occasion, so start thinking about whether you think Bunlet is a little man or a little lady (if you care, that is). I'll provide more details on that later.

Anyway, Bunlet and I are both looking forward to an easier time next week. Bunlet is now able to hear my voice, so the less pissing and moaning (and cussing), the better. I'm counting on giving birth to nothing less than an upstanding citizen - we can't let the potty mouth get in the way of that.

180

2008-12-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

Remember this post? Remember how I said I wanted to bottle my feelings of happiness because I knew that I wouldn't always feel that way?

Well, mere days later, I've done a complete 180, and I am a sleep-deprived, pimply, stressed out ball of my former (happy) self. And it's all my professor's fault. How dare he assign us a 20 page paper for our final project? Why didn't I work on this over the weekend?

Oh, that's right. Because I was sleeping for most of the weekend. Because I was/am so sleep-deprived that I feel like I'm losing my mind. Because my husband snores and our cats cry and I'm supposed to be sleeping on my back at this point in my pregnancy but it's just not comfortable. Because our (full-sized) bed is probably not big enough to accommodate both of us and the mound of pillows I need to stay on my side so that I don't cut off Bunlet's blood supply.

Attending graduate school while pregnant = so not recommended.

Where is that bottle of happiness? I need it.

Bunlet/Pregnancy/TTC FAQ

2008-12-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's another Bunlet-related post.

It's amazing how many questions people ask when they find out you're pregnant - and how many of the same ones you hear over and over. There's a blogger out there who posted an FAQ once she announced her pregnancy, but honestly, I can't remember who it was. Whoever it was, I'm stealing your idea - thanks in advance! (And if you read this blog, let me know who you are in the comments.) (Edited to add: It was Nanette who originally did the FAQ - thanks, Nanette!)

Bunlet/Pregnancy/TTC FAQ

How far along are you?/When are you due?
As of today, I am 15 weeks, 2 days pregnant, so I am still near the beginning of the second trimester. My official due date is May 29, 2009, but I will not be surprised if I have a June baby. My birthday is on June 7, and part of me is hoping that Bunlet and I will share a birthday.

How are you feeling?/Do you have morning sickness?
Now that I've left the first trimester behind, I'm feeling much better. I was pretty miserable throughout it. By some stroke of luck, I haven't thrown up, but I had a lot of nausea and a general feeling of ickiness all the time. I was also extremely tired, and as luck would have it, I've had a raging case of insomnia for pretty much my entire pregnancy. I will say that the idea of morning sickness is a myth - for many women, it's all day sickness, and for me, I experienced a lot of nausea at night. Even though I'm in the second trimester now, I still have nausea, but it's mostly pretty mild.

Are you going to find out the sex of the baby?/Do you have a gender preference?
Yes, we are absolutely going to find out! We don't have a preference as to gender - we are just really happy to finally be expanding our family. Beggars can't be choosers; all we really want is a healthy baby. Please and thank you.

Where did the name "Bunlet" come from?
My lovely friend Myra and I were discussing someone else's pregnancy via text back in April, and she sent me a message that said, "I cannot wait until you and the Roylet have a little bunlet in the oven." From the beginning of our relationship, I have often referred to Roy as "the Roylet." It makes sense for him to have fathered a little Bunlet.

Did the length of time you tried for a baby have any effect on your pregnancy and how you feel about it?
Honestly, it's hard to answer this question because trying for ten months and going through the infertility testing is really the only TTC experience I've personally had. Of course, we'd have been happy and excited if we'd gotten pregnant the first cycle trying (or the second or third or fourth). But our particular journey really gave me a whole different perspective on things once I actually got pregnant. For one, I realized right away how damn lucky we were to get pregnant after only ten months; if you had told me at the beginning of our TTC journey that it would take almost a year for us to get pregnant, I probably would've felt really discouraged and depressed about it. I also really wanted a girl when we first started TTC - but after months of trying, the sex of the baby just didn't matter anymore. A girl, a boy - as long as he/she is healthy, I am happy.

My friend Tiff says that she feels that everyone should have to TTC for at least six months before getting pregnant, because it would give people a whole lot of insight into the heartbreak of a negative pregnancy test, having your period show up when that's the last thing you want, or seeing your temperature drop at the end of a cycle. Tiff also likened getting pregnant to ordering food through a drive-thru. For some people, it really is as simple as driving up and saying, "I'd like a baby, please," and being given one right away. For others, it is not nearly that uncomplicated, and it is much more heartbreaking.

As I said before, I really am grateful for our TTC journey. Without it, we wouldn't have this baby who we already love so much. And let's face it, we all need to be taken down a notch sometimes. The last year has definitely humbled me.

Did you do anything differently the cycle you got pregnant?
Yes, I had an HSG, didn't chart, and only used OPKs to time intercourse. It's been said that it's easier for some women to get pregnant after having an HSG, as the dye tends to "clean out the cobwebs," so to speak.

It's really tough to say why cycle 9 was the winner - it could be any number of things. Maybe the sperm and egg were finally in the same place at the same time, maybe the HSG cleared out some minor blockage, maybe not charting was the key.

All I know is that I was shocked beyond belief when the test came out positive.

Will you do anything differently when you try for your next child?
Yes. Next time I hope that we'll ease gently into the TTC process. I feel that we (me, mostly) put too much pressure on the situation, and it really didn't help. I am a very proactive person, and I don't like to fart around when it comes to something I want. I am a go-getter to the point of obsessiveness, and this can work against me.

I think it's important for people who are TTC to relax. People who've been TTC for awhile hate being told that, because in some cases, no amount of relaxing is going to get you knocked up. I get that, but I also know that being as relaxed as possible certainly can't hurt anything.

I'd like to say that I was super relaxed the cycle I got pregnant, but with the testing we were doing, I really wasn't.

Any advice for someone new to TTC?
1 )Read TCOYF.
2) Learn how to chart in order to get familiar with your body.
3) Don't expect to get pregnant right away, but realize that if you do, you are very, very, very lucky.
4) Have fun. Relax. It will happen.

Have you had any complications with your pregnancy?
No, thankfully. I did have to go to the ER at 11 weeks due to mild dehydration. I felt absolutely miserable that night. I was given fluids and had an ultrasound - that's when I first heard the heartbeat and saw Bunlet moving around. Seeing Bunlet made everything okay. Funny how that happens.

Do you like being pregnant?
Yes. So far it's been a pretty rewarding process, despite the fact that the first trimester pretty much sucked. I am always amazed at how unstressed I've been about my pregnancy so far. I thought I would be a walking ball of worry. Of course, I do worry a healthy amount, but I had to wait awhile for this, so I am determined to enjoy it. I decided early on that I wasn't going to let my fears of potential bad things (miscarriage, birth defects, etc.) keep me from enjoying this time or bonding with Bunlet. I worried and stressed enough during the TTC process, and ultimately it just took too much out of me.

There is still the (remote) possibility that we could lose Bunlet or that there could be something seriously wrong with him/her. It's scary, very scary, and it would be devastating if it happened. However, there is also the very real possibility that something could happen to Roy, but that has never stopped me from loving him entirely. I choose to love Bunlet completely and ferociously, despite all the risks, because no matter how painful it could be to have to face losing him/her, I am Bunlet's mother - and this is what mothers do.

I am very lucky to have had a problem-free pregnancy thus far - it has, without a doubt, made it much easier to give myself over to the love I have for my kiddo. Hope is a powerful thing, but I realize that not all expectant parents have the luxury of experiencing it to its fullest potential.

Have you gained any weight?/Are you showing?
Our scale at home shows that I have gained no weight. I will get weighed at my next appointment on December 11. But I am showing. At eight weeks, I was so bloated that I couldn't fit into any of my jeans and my rings were too small. I began wearing the bella band. At 12 weeks I was sporting a small baby belly and officially started wearing maternity clothes. I am really surprised I started showing so early. I thought for sure I wouldn't show until much later. Right now I have only grown in my belly; maybe that's why I'm already showing.

Here's a picture of the (all-in-black emo) belly at 14 weeks, 5 days:

I had to cut my head off this picture because I look like ass. Truly. I've had quite a few people tell me that I'm a cute pregnant person (thanks, nice peeps who are probably lying!), but to be honest, I feel like I just look really tired most of the time. I do, however, feel much more attractive than I did in the first trimester. I was looking pretty tore up (Kim, are you listening?!!!1!1) most of the time, to the point where I probably would've had to wear pork-chop flavored panties to get a dog to even look at me. Unfortunately, I could never wear the pork-chop flavored panties because the smell is nauseating. Sucks to be me.

So, these are all of the questions I can think of for my uber-fascinating FAQ - you see how this one has dwindled into a discussion of scented underwear. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask in the comments, and I will put together another long-winded (but hopefully endlessly entertaining) FAQ.

The end.

I want to bottle this feeling.

2008-12-06T18:15:00.000-08:00

On Thursday night, I took Roy to a local place that does fetal ultrasounds. Even though our big ultrasound (where we find out the sex) is in about two weeks, I was so anxious and excited to see Bunlet. It had been four weeks since I'd had an ultrasound, and I was missing my kiddo. (I anticipate us paying for several more ultrasounds during the last half of my pregnancy. Patience is not a virtue of mine.)

Our baby is an active one. He/she didn't stop moving the entire time. We got to see fingers and toes (and feet and hands, obviously), some long legs (or so they appeared to me), the spine, the heart, and a marvelously adorable baby butt. We saw the face, too, but it's still looking rather skeletal.

At the end of it all, we got to pick the picture we wanted, and we decided to go with the one of Bunlet yawning.

(I think that picture title needs a few more exclamation points, kind of like this: !!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!.)

I have to say that I am amazed, just amazed, by what is happening with my body and with the little person that's growing inside me. The ultrasound left me feeling absolutely giddy and teary. Roy and I went to Target afterwards, and we perused the baby section. We haven't done this much in the time I've been pregnant, and I'm not really sure why. We topped it off with a visit to the Christmas section, where we bought a new tree and some new ornaments. The whole time I just couldn't stop thinking about my life. It's just so good. It's not perfect, but damn, it's good.

On our way home, we were at a stoplight, and I looked over at Roy, his face bathed in soft red light, and I realized, in a way that I've never realized it before, that I am happy.

Thursday was also the day when I saw my therapist for the last time. I had been seeing her for close to four years. I began seeing her after my last ex and I split up, because I was convinced that it all was my fault and somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew there was something wrong with that. (That feeling has been a trend in many of my interpersonal dealings throughout my life.)

For the first few months, my therapist gave me assignments, which I worked on in my therapy notebook. After awhile, we did away with the assignments and just relied on talking through my feelings. I never had any big explosions of emotion, where I broke down in tears and sobbed on her couch, resulting in a giant breakthrough that somehow made me more enlightened. There were a few times when I cried a little bit, tears slipping slowly down my face as I talked about something that I didn't even realize was bothering me.

The changes came slowly, so slowly that I didn't even realize what was occurring. In time, I had transformed from a girl who felt completely defective and unworthy of love to a girl who recognizes her flaws and tries to do her best in spite of them. In many ways, I am still the girl who walked into her office for the first time, but I am now a stronger version of her.

It takes courage to look at the dark parts of oneself and try to figure out what to do with them. In my case, I have managed to integrate these dark parts with the rest of my character. They do not define me, but they are undeniably part of me. I have better things to do than be a martyr and remain a slave to the hurtful parts of my past. I choose now to respect that past and let it rest. I'm sure I will revisit it as necessary, as I have done in recent years, but there is no longer this overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about the hard things.

There is so much that I want to do with my life, so many things that I want to experience. Today I feel that all things are possible. For the moment, I have this beautiful, illuminating sense of clarity.

I feel whole.

Earlier this week, a very influential ex-boyfriend found me on myspace. I met J when I was 18 years old, mere months before I slipped into my Great Depression. (He was not the cause of the Great Depression, by the way, but he was there to witness some of it.) We had a long-distance relationship that was characterized by a frenzy of letter-writing. I still have all of his letters, and you can definitely trace how things unfolded between us. It was all very romantic.

He was one of the first people I'd met that dared to break the mold of boring convention, and being the curious person I've always been, he was very intriguing to me. Ultimately he opened my mind to a great many new things, which I have always been grateful for.

I was so in awe of J that I don't think I really knew how to be myself, my whole self, around him. He was so tough and so experienced and so sure of what he wanted that it was very intimidating to me. I think he sensed this about me and thus encouraged me to unlock my inner warrioress. I didn't figure out how to do this until years later. And I realized this week that she's here, she's unlocked, she's always with me.

That person I always wanted to be? Without knowing how it happened, I've become her.

There are people in my life who are going through some hard times and have been for awhile. I want to say to them that life sucks sometimes, and it does so without any consideration for who you are. Sometimes it's unfair to have this much shit piled on us, but it happens anyway, without any regard to what's fair.

The good news? Things do get better. Things will start to change. One day you'll wake up and realize that you're happy, that your inner voice is calm, and that you've made it. This hard time that you're going through may act as my Great Depression does for me and serve as the thing against which you measure all bad things. You may begin to see that if you can make it through this, then you can make it through anything.

And you can. Rest assured, things are going to change for the better.

In the meantime, hang in there. It will be worth it, I promise.

The holiday season is upon us, and I'm looking forward to the holidays with a great sense of anticipation and excitement. I have always loved Christmas, but still, this year feels different. There's a different kind of electricity in the air, a strange feeling of wonder.

Maybe the holiday season hasn't changed at all. Maybe it's just me. Things in me are shifting (and not just my internal organs due to pregnancy, either!). I feel alive and conscious and absolutely electric.

This feeling I'm having? I want to bottle it. Because life is so good right now, and it won't always be this good. Because I want to remember this time in great detail, but the older I get, the less room my brain has. Because it is, quite frankly, a beautiful state in which to be.

Today, and maybe today only, the world is a beautiful, welcoming place - and life is something to be treasured.

Thanks for being there as I muck my way through it all.

How Bunlet Came to Be

2008-12-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

I don't think I'll ever get tired of saying "I'm pregnant!". For the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I made this joyful announcement to Roy every morning. I've stopped having to say it, though, because you can tell just by looking at my stomach that I am, indeed, marvellously pregnant.

But this is something I still whisper to myself, and every time my heart smiles. (And yeah, I look a little insane in this picture.)

I feel the need to document my TTC/pregnancy journey in detail, so my apologies in advance to all the baby-haters reading - there will be a series of posts about all things Bunlet coming your way. Some of this, particularly this entry, has been covered before, but whatever, here it is, in all its glory: our journey to become parents.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, then you know that it took us some time to get here. We started officially TTC (trying to conceive) when I started a fresh cycle on December 3, 2007 (after being off birth control for two cycles). Because my two prior cycles off birth control were very regular, I figured my body had returned to its normal, pre-birth control state.

It turned out that I was wrong. Not only were my first three TTC cycles long and erratic, but I was also covered in acne and suffered from really bad mood swings. It was pretty damn obvious to me that I was coming down hard after being on the pill for five years. Despite the unpredictable cycles, we started (and kept) trying for a baby. I charted religiously and used my morning temperatures to figure out if I'd ovulated. I used the Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor for our second and third TTC cycles, which ended up being too much of a stressor and ultimately a waste of money (because I got absolutely no good information from it). I added in ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) in our third cycle and got ten positives, all spread throughout my entire cycle (see chart below). This was not normal, and so I began to worry about the possibility of my having PCOS.

I got in to see my OB at the beginning of April 2008 (and the beginning of cycle 4 TTC), and she ordered the day 3 hormone level bloodwork to check for hormone issues, egg quality, etc. Everything came back normal.

We weren't really worried at this point. Frustrated and stressed, yes, mainly because my cycles were on the long side, but not really worried. Coincedentally, my cycles became very regular after I saw my OB in April, which did wonders for my stress level. I kept charting and using the OPKs every cycle, and every cycle ended in disappointment.

By the time the summer came around, I was getting pretty nervous. And the disappointment was turning into something more like sadness. When my temperature dropped at the end of each cycle, signalling that my period was on its way, it triggered something like a breakdown. I would cry, eventually get it all out of my system, and begin the next cycle determined to be positive.

It seemed I was surrounded by two categories of people: 1) people who were either so fertile they were getting pregnant on their first cycle trying or 2) people who were infertile. In my mind, I kept putting us in category 2 because we obviously didn't fit in category 1. At the same time, I knew it could reasonably take awhile to get pregnant.

At the end of July, we decided to go ahead and start testing for possible fertility issues. We went to an infertility seminar at the beginning of August and got in to see the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) near the end of August. They immediately ordered tests.

Thus began the Infertility Testing Reign of Terror. This is not something I would wish on anyone. While I really wanted to know if there was anything wrong, I was terribly afraid of what the tests would reveal. I had spent months in blissful ignorance (well, not exactly), and now we were going to find out some things that could potentially be very devastating. My concerns were more financial than emotional, as our insurance didn't/doesn't cover infertility treatments. But I won't lie - finding ourselves at this point was pretty emotionally trying for both of us.

I found myself in an odd in-between state during cycles 8 and 9. At that point, I had stopped charting, because the stress of it was just too much. Maybe it was the lack of charting, maybe it was that we felt defeated enough to seek the help of an RE, but I lost that sense of urgency that had propelled me full force through most of our TTC journey. I started focusing on other things, and I stopped planning anything with a baby in mind. I started making changes in other areas in my life. I cut off my hair, got Lasik, changed my name, readjusted my attitude about my job, rearranged our apartment, started doing more portrait sessions, and decided to take a class on campus to help me get jump-started on my thesis. All of these things gave me a sense of power that I really needed at that point - wrestling with the possibility of infertility makes one feel very helpless.

We went through cycle 8 without using anything to track my fertile period except plain ol' intuition. We didn't even use OPKs. When cycle 9 came around, I went in for my HSG - it was August 29. I barely slept the night before. I cried a lot. I was preparing myself for really bad news: my tubes being blocked, etc. Most people would probably have told me to "think positive," but envisioning the worst possible outcome worked for me. I was able to face my fear that night and have the test done the next day. There is nothing like the feeling I had when I saw the dye travel through my tubes and spill out around my ovaries. It was the best kind of relief. For the moment, we had avoided heartbreak.

Roy and I decided that he should wait to do his semen analysis after I had ovulated, as a semen analysis requires abstaining from sex. Roy gave his sample on September 18, and we were told we would get the results on September 22. This required us to wait all weekend. And that weekend (September 20 and 21) was when I began to notice that something was up.

That Sunday, Roy and I did our afternoon workout as usual, and afterwards I was so tired that I could barely get out of bed for family dinner. But I did, and we walked over to my mother-in-law's, as we did every Sunday evening. Dinner that night was enchiladas, and I ate a bit. After awhile, though, I began to feel really sick. The smell of the enchiladas was really getting to me, and every time I took a bite, I was acutely aware of the texture of the food. My mouth felt like it had entirely too much food in it. I thought this was slightly odd, but nothing out of the ordinary, as I have always had a strong sense of smell and have a lot of food-related phobias.

Roy and I did end up sitting outside for awhile (to get away from the smell), and when we came back in, I laid on the couch with him sitting beside me. At this point, the conversation amongst everyone had turned to a specific couple of foster children with whom everyone was acquainted. For some reason, the stories about these poor kids were entirely too much for me to bear, and tears began slipping down my face silently. I think Roy knew I was in big trouble and that I would soon end up wailing, so we excused ourselves and walked home.

On the way home, I was thinking about how my emotional craziness was a sure sign my period was on its way. It was due within the next couple of days. Roy mentioned how we were going to get the semen analysis results the next day, and that was all it took. I lost it. There on the streets of downtown Riverside, I began sobbing. I just felt doomed.

As it turned out, the results of Roy's semen analysis were excellent. I was elated when I got the news. I felt like we'd won the lottery. To celebrate, Roy and I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant that night. I was due to start my period the next day (or thereabouts), and as usual, I was sure that I wasn't pregnant. I honestly wasn't in any hurry to test because the results of the semen analysis were good enough for me for the time being.

Tuesday came and went without my period showing up to crash the party. That night I published this post about how I had been feeling about our testing. We also tried working out that night, and my heart was pounding so hard I couldn't finish the workout. I told my good friend and chart stalker Kim about this, and she said that I should take a pregnancy test. But I was determined to wait until my period was officially late, even though I knew I was about fourteen days past ovulation at this point. Every single cycle before this, I always caved and tested before my period was late, only to have my period show up a few hours later. I was not going to make the same mistake. Wednesday morning I would test.

Finally, early Wednesday morning (around 1:00 AM), I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I decided that my pee was concentrated enough to give me a good test result, so I decided to test. While I was peeing in the cup, the typical testing thoughts were running through my mind: "Why am I even doing this? It's just going to be negative!"

I stuck the test (an internet cheapie) into my cup of pee, waited the requisite ten seconds, and then laid the test flat on the table by the toilet. Of course, I looked at it right away. The test was behaving exactly like every other test I'd taken: I could clearly see the control line, but of course, there was no test line to be seen. But I picked up my domino magazine and began looking through it. After about a minute or so, I looked at the test.

There were two pink lines.

I literally could not even believe what I was seeing. So I grabbed a First Response test from my stash (yes, I am hardcore) and stuck it into my cup of pee.

Right away, two pink lines.

Looking back on it, my lack of a reaction is really uncharacteristic of me. I didn't cry or scream or start shaking or anything like that. I still just couldn't believe what I was seeing. And yet, there it was. Two different brands of tests had told me the same thing: I was pregnant. Seeing those lines ranked right up there with my walk down the aisle on my wedding day as the most surreal moments in my life, ever. It was something that I thought might never happen to me. And then, all of a sudden, it was happening.

I briefly considered doing some kind of cool surprise for Roy to let him know I was pregnant (you know, buying him a onesie that says "I love Daddy" and presenting it to him with the positive tests), but I quickly decided that I absolutely had to tell him right at that moment. So I went into the bedroom, woke him up, and told him that he needed to see something. He followed me into the bathroom, where I showed him my tests.

In his half-asleep state, I don't know if Roy realized what he was looking at, so when he said, "Wha??," I said, "I'm pregnant!" We hugged, and I teared up. But I still didn't cry. Instead, I paced around saying things like, "I can't believe this is happening!" I stayed up almost the entire night, registering at baby sites, writing my BFP (big fat positive) email to my homies Kim and Melinda (who had seen me through my entire TTC journey), and starting my Bunlet blog. (Yes, I have a baby blog. Sorry, but no, you can't have the link - it's set to private, and it contains my personal letters to Bunlet.)

I really couldn't believe it was happening. And honestly, I still can't sometimes. I am still anticipating waking up from this wonderful dream. Even now, at almost 15 weeks, this pregnancy sometimes still doesn't seem real. And then I hear the sweet sound of our baby's heartbeat, and I know it is.

Listen:

It's amazing, isn't it? I am completely in awe of this little human. I am filled with happiness at life's little surprises and how quickly they can become the most important thing in your life. In this case, in the wee hours of September 24, 2008, a new mother was born. It's been a little over two months since that night, but there is no going back to the way things were before. I can't feel Bunlet moving, and I don't know if Bunlet is a boy or girl yet - but one thing I do know is this: I am already a mother, and I love this kiddo with everything I am.

And the journey, that sometimes painful journey - well, needless to say, it was all worth it. I realized almost right away that it was a piece of cake compared to what others go through. And sometimes it's best not to get what you want right away; sometimes it's better to delay that gratification and have to wait an extended period of time for your heart's desire. Because, as I've said before, if there's anything worth waiting for, it's your child.

Twinsanity!

2008-12-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I drove out to meet up with my friend Tiff and her husband David for a maternity shoot. (Baby bump shoot? I don't know, I still don't like "maternity" shoot.) I met Tiff on the Nest last year - I think she liked my (really bad) attitude, and we began emailing as a result. This was our first (and hopefully not our last) time meeting in person.

We went to her parents' property in Cherry Valley for the shoot. The place was an absolute goldmine of beautiful light and really cool photo opps. I have already professed my love for Cherry Valley before, but this shoot sealed the deal.

Tiff and David are expecting twin girls (Cambria and Kaylin) in March. They had quite the road to get to where they are, and I am super happy for them. I can't wait to meet the twins - I even bought matching hats for them!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, here are some of the pics from the shoot:

Helloooo, hot stuff!

Tiff wanted some shadow pictures, and I was happy to oblige. This was taken on the garage door.

Tiff, David, thanks for letting me practice on you - you guys were great. I loved being a part of the twinsanity!

The End of November

2008-11-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's been a truly great (but amazingly stressful) month. Here's what happened.

1) We moved into our new house and said good-bye to our old apartment.
2) Obama was elected President!
3) Prop 8 passed. (Big, huge sad face.)
4) I totally screwed up NaBloPoMo. I didn't even come close to posting every day.
5) I saw our baby move (on the ultrasound screen) and have heard his/her heartbeat multiple times.
6) We came out to pretty much everyone about my being pregnant after keeping it on the DL for a couple of months.

Of course, I have more to say. I had a great weekend and would love to talk about it in detail, but my computer really is acting up. So I'm pretty limited on what I can do with pictures at the moment. (However, my Macbook should be here this coming week!)

But because I haven't shared anything from this session yet, here's some pics from a really quick shoot I did on my lunch hour a couple of weeks ago. All I can say is I have puppy fever, thanks to this session.

You can see the rest of the pics here.

And PS, thanks so much for all your kind comments and congratulations on my pregnancy. I have a looooooooooong post related to that, and hopefully I'll be able to finish it up and post it soon.

Happy December, everyone!

The Luckiest

2008-11-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

As the holiday season sets in, I am feel like I am the luckiest person alive.

I am married to an amazing man, who is my best friend, my most enthusiastic (and yet my most mellow) cheerleader, and my partner in crime. The day we were married was truly the most wonderful day of my life. There is never a day that goes by where I don't think of how lucky I am to have him by my side.

I have a wonderful, supportive family (ducks not included). As if my own crazy and hilarious family wasn't good enough, I managed to marry into a family made up of some amazing and unique individuals. Roy and I are lucky to be surrounded on all sides by the love and support of our families.

I have the funniest and kindest friends a girl could ask for (not all of whom are pictured here, because some friends, no matter how awesome they are, don't like to be photographed. Or maybe I just don't have good photos of them.). They have seen me through some very dark times. They have laughed with me at stupid jokes and stupid people. They've emailed or texted or called to check in - for good reasons or for no reason at all. They are, essentially, my lifeline to the rest of the world.

I have a roof over my head and a home full of lovely fuzzy creatures. I am forever grateful that I have a home, a place that is comfortable and has adequate heat, air, and water. And I will never be able to express how much I love our cats. They are wonderful puffballs of unconditional love.

I am educated and employed. I have been fortunate enough to have the resources to go to college and gain an extraordinary amount of knowledge (and a considerable amount of student loan debt). And no matter what I may lose in the future, my education is something that can never be taken from me. My job, on the other hand, leaves so much to be desired, but in this scary economy, I am still lucky to have it. I make enough money to pay our bills, and I have good benefits. Things could definitely be worse.

I am continually inspired by the things you, my readers, write and produce on your own blogs - and being as big of a lurker as I tend to be, I am always in awe of people who have no idea I even exist. My Google Reader is always full, and I am so thankful that there is no lack of beauty in the blogosphere.

And, lastly, I am pregnant with our first child, due in late May/early June. We are absolutely over-the-moon, jump-up-and-down-screaming, can't-sleep-at-night, shout-it-from-the-rooftops thrilled. We cannot wait to meet our lovely Bunlet, who stole our hearts from the very first positive pregnancy test.

No matter how much I say it, I can never express my gratitude enough for the gifts that I've been given or for the support of my family, friends, and blog readers along the way. This year has been extraordinarily tough, but you, all of you, have given me the strength to push through it. Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Our Bohemian Love Nest

2008-11-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

When we moved into our cramped little apartment in downtown Riverside over two years ago, it wasn't under the best of circumstances. I had just started a new job and bought a new car, so our income wasn't exactly stable. Still, we really loved the apartment's historic charm and decided to take it.

It was never the perfect place. We had issues with the landlord not fixing the heat in a timely manner; we had no central air (or heat); the bedroom walls made good use of wood paneling. There were many things wrong with the place.

But it was our place. It was the place where we collected and stored everything for our wedding, the place where we feverishly worked on grad school papers, the place we came home to after our honeymoon, the place where we made the decision to expand our family. It was our bohemian love nest.

One week ago, Roy and I finished cleaning the apartment and closed the door behind us for the last time. The place we're now in is much better for us, but I can't help but feel a little bittersweet about moving on.

So many good memories...

...like the time when Roy and I shared earphones and sang "American Pie" while lying in bed in the dark.

...and all those months when the bathroom door wouldn't latch, and I tied my bathrobe belt to the faucet and the doorknob to keep Kerwin from nosing his way in while I was using the bathroom.

...the day my wedding dress came in, and I traipsed around the place with it on.

...and the multiple times we'd blow a fuse when we ran the space heater and the hair dryer at the same time.

I'll miss our bohemian love nest. I'll probably miss this lovely stray girl most of all. We only got to know her in our last month living there, but she had no qualms with coming right up to either one of us and climbing into our laps. She's one of the sweetest cats I've ever met, and my heart absolutely hurts when I think of our having to leave her behind.

To celebrate our place, I took photos of what I loved most about it. In addition to the ones included in this post, you can see the rest here.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

2008-11-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

...Christmas list time.

I'm posting this for the benefit of my family, who will no doubt want to buy me/us books for Christmas. The truth is, we're in the midst of our second gigantic book purge of 2008. This one is so big that it warrants us opening up our own Amazon store to get rid of some of these books.

Anyway, I really don't want more books (or gift cards to book stores) for Christmas. Much as I love them, we need to make space for more important things, and I already have more unread books than I know what to do with.

So, here are the things I would definitely love to get for Christmas:

1) Flip Video Mino Series Camcorder

2) Gorillapod

3) Lomographic Holga Starter Kit

4) Canon 430EX Speedlite Flash

5)

I'm already buying myself a Christmas present, not necessarily because I want to but because my PC really does suck.

Here it is:

I will probably never buy a PC again. I've just had enough. So Mac it is. I'm pretty freaking excited.

But the best part about Christmas is the fact that we'll get to spend an entire week with my family in Texas for the holiday. I am absolutely stoked. Bring on the humidity! Bring on the annoying family quirks! But really, bring on the love. I really miss my family.

Notes from the Universe: 1

2008-11-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

Leslie, every challenge is a stepping stone to a happier place than you even knew existed.

Oh, the magic,
The Universe

(and)

Leslie, one day soon you will be exceedingly glad for this very path you now tread.

Apparently the Universe understands the support I'm going to need for the next couple of weeks, as the fall quarter winds down and all my projects come due. It is usually during this (crunch) time of the quarter that I begin to really question what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

Even though I now see myself going in a different direction in my life and career, I do not regret taking on this massive project known as graduate school. My degrees in English may or may not figure into what I ultimately end up doing for a living, but they are reminders of the things that I love: language, stories, poetry, writing, reading, metaphor, allusion.

Before I was anything, I was a writer. I am a writer, to this day.

And now, to finish out this quarter, I must write. Write until my hand hurts, write until I have no words left, write until I'm crying from frustration.

I'm counting on it leading to a peaceful place.

Becki + Andy + (the soon-to-arrive) baby Luke = the entire spectrum of life in an hour and a half

2008-11-23T16:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I met up with Becki and Andy for a maternity shoot. I don't really like the whole "maternity shoot" description, because it seems to leave the father out of the whole equation. I thought for about a second of calling these kinds of sessions "family in flux," but that made me think of reflux. At any rate, this is just one of those things that is begging to be renamed.

There's a really long story behind this shoot. Bear with me.

Becki asked me back in September if I would take do some pictures for her, and she mentioned wanting to do them in the downtown Riverside area. Both she and I are residents of that area, and I have done quite a few sessions there. It has never let me down - there are always new places to discover.

Awhile back I was talking to a couple of my friends, and I asked their opinions on where I should do Becki's shoot. Melinda suggested the old creepy cemetery in downtown Riverside, and I immediately knew that it was the perfect suggestion. (Becki and I had actually both expressed our mutual love for this cemetery a year or so before.) I figured it was out of the question to shoot there, because it is normally all locked up. It was a really cool surprise, then, to drive past it yesterday and see that the gates were wide open.

It was totally perfect - and fit in exactly with what I was envisioning for the session as a whole.

I wish I could claim that this was my idea, but nope - it was all Becki. She spotted the "Mother" and "Father" tombstones while we were walking through the cemetery. So we went for it. A bit morbid, perhaps, but I love odd juxtapositions.

And the "Shrimp" tombstone! It's one of my favorites. Being as Becki's growing her own little shrimp of a person, it seemed appropriate. Or maybe inappropriate. It's hard to say.

Nothing like welcoming new life while sitting on the steps of a mausoleum!

The idea for shooting at a playground literally came to me in a dream. This past week, I dreamed about an abandoned school on a street named Gethsemane. When I woke up, the dream immediately seemed to attach itself to my ideas for Becki's session. I knew I wanted to do at least part of their shoot on a playground.

So Roy drove me out to a playground near his elementary school. On the way, I noticed a church named Gethsemane Lutheran Church. It felt a little like we were headed in the right direction.

And this is where we did the second half of Becki and Andy's shoot. We'd already covered death; now it was playtime. The picture below is probably my favorite from the playground series.

Thanks to Becki and Andy for being incredibly open-minded individuals! I can't think of many people who'd want to do a maternity session in a cemetery. You guys rock, and you will certainly be very cool parents.

bite me

2008-11-18T22:50:00.000-08:00

So I've been a really horrible blogger and blog commenter. Things have been off-the-wall insane, and they're going to get worse (busier) before they get better. All I have to say is, "What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for NaBloPoMo this year?" I had a million great ideas for posts, and I have several that I've written in my head. And that's where they'll stay for now.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some pictures of Mao doing what she does best: biting everything...

...and then sleeping:

Ahh, the life of a cat. I need that life.